Continued!
So I know I was on a date with myself, but I had some change in my plans.
-Moses text me to go to Compa's, and I was feeling a little awake and ready to mingle, so I took up the offer and was glad I did because I saw Tanya, Bolin, Ab, Bebo, Compa, Moses, David, etc., and it's always nice seeing them. They make for good laughs. I was Sober Sally for the night, which is something to be proud of. Not one sip of alcohol.
-2:30 rolled around, and I was going to go home to be responsible, and so I went, and once I got to my house and inside of it, I realized I forgot my phone charger. Ugh! And I cannot live without that. So I ventured back out.
-Got to Compa's, got my charger, and was ready to leave but Moses told me to stay, so I said 5 minutes, and some how 5 minutes turned into an hour cause I ended up taking Bebo to bust a mission. Driving large vehicles is sooome challege, fyi. Anyway, I had a pretty good sober night, but now it's 4 and I'm more tired than I was before, and a little more nauseated.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Spending my Friday night...
...watching Sex and The City drinking Diet Coke is a reeeally nice way to spend my night. Sometimes I love dating myself.
Hellooo Adulthood...
My life now consists of work/school or work/work. I now have no free time, and it's a little icky, but makes me feel good. The harder I work now, the sooner I'll get to work less and play even harder being that I'll be rolling in lots of money.
It's a really heavy schedule...you know, two jobs and school full-time, but I think it's something I have to do. I've proven I can't change as much as I said I would and thought I could, and this is what I have to do. Grow-up. I gotta think like an adult so I start acting like one. My passing out in my car is very irresponsible and trashy, and not Jackie-O.
It's really sad being this person. Like I always say "People don't change." Or "People can't change." and I hate being that person who can't change, because I'm so much better than that. I can change,
I could look at it as that maybe I am not ready for adulthood and marriage, and I can just keep partying hard and keep relationships brief and shallow, or I can look at is as I really need to want to want the change. And I want it. I do want marriage and to travel, but I can't change for those specific reasons. I need to change for myself, and my desires for that self. If that makes sense.
If I change just for those reasons, it's a fake change. I know I have it in me because I want nothing more, and my heart doesn't belong in party mode because that person isn't me. I wake up the next day puzzled at my behavior because it's like I lead a double life. It's a really weird feeling.
Anyway, I'm setting my priorities, and they're now in full-swing, and if I can hang with it, I'm ready for all I want to take on. Feels pretty good. I'm like 10 steps ahead of a lot of people. I'm going to see all that I want in the world and have it too. I'm not just saying it, I'm actually acting on it. Woo.
It's a really heavy schedule...you know, two jobs and school full-time, but I think it's something I have to do. I've proven I can't change as much as I said I would and thought I could, and this is what I have to do. Grow-up. I gotta think like an adult so I start acting like one. My passing out in my car is very irresponsible and trashy, and not Jackie-O.
It's really sad being this person. Like I always say "People don't change." Or "People can't change." and I hate being that person who can't change, because I'm so much better than that. I can change,
I could look at it as that maybe I am not ready for adulthood and marriage, and I can just keep partying hard and keep relationships brief and shallow, or I can look at is as I really need to want to want the change. And I want it. I do want marriage and to travel, but I can't change for those specific reasons. I need to change for myself, and my desires for that self. If that makes sense.
If I change just for those reasons, it's a fake change. I know I have it in me because I want nothing more, and my heart doesn't belong in party mode because that person isn't me. I wake up the next day puzzled at my behavior because it's like I lead a double life. It's a really weird feeling.
Anyway, I'm setting my priorities, and they're now in full-swing, and if I can hang with it, I'm ready for all I want to take on. Feels pretty good. I'm like 10 steps ahead of a lot of people. I'm going to see all that I want in the world and have it too. I'm not just saying it, I'm actually acting on it. Woo.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
Monday
-I don't remember what I did other than worked.
Tuesday
-Started my first official day at Trio. Pretty chill job. Easy, good money, and the days go by a lot more quickly than the days at Trade Secret. I really like my boss.
-Went to the mall when I got off work and bought myself a few pairs of pants. I deserved it.
-Went to Target and bought some stuff, including a fabulous clutch.
-Went to crash classes. Didn't go so well.
-Went to the gym?
Wednesday
-Worked.
-I crashed Lucas's art class, and got Bonnie to come with. I am SOO hyped on this class, you don't even know. I look forward to using color. I think it'll make me a better artist as far as hair and make-up go. Plus, I'd like to be more gifted as far as canvases go. I used to be able to draw very well, and I used to be creative. Now I lack patience, creativity, and skill. I am thrilled to get to search myself again and use it all.
-Bonnie and I went to dinner at Le Basil afterwards. I love Thai food. I love how fresh it is, and not greasy, and all the vegetables used. You don't feel fat afterwards.
-Went home.
Thursday
-Worked. Not so good of a day as other days. I decided I was uncomfortable and missed J.Russell a lot. It was just a little bad mood. I'm over it now.
-Went home to nap before a lonnng class. So I squeezed in a 15 minute nap, but then had to pick up Bonnie and venture over there. We are now in Psychology of Women. I thought it was gonna be about the actual psychology of women, but it is sounding like a big lesbian class where we learn about feminism, which I don't really give a shit about, but whatever. I need the credits, and there's no harm in learning. I now have Art, general psychology, and that class. It goes til 9:50, which is pretty painful, after a full's day work. Same with art, but I look forward to being creative being that I have an eye for color and beauty.
-Picked up Jackie and we went to eat since we got out early, when we should have gone to the gym.
Friday
-Worked. I had an excellent day. I decided to just BE COMFORTABLE. I reminded myself of what a great environment I was in, and how God surely had to have directed me there.
-Dashed home, changed, and went to work at Ciro's. I felt nauseated all evening, which didn't make for a pleasant working experience. I got to leave the restaurant a lot for deliveries though, and that was fabulous.
-Now I am at home, and I need to do some homework. Farewell to my free life.
-I don't remember what I did other than worked.
Tuesday
-Started my first official day at Trio. Pretty chill job. Easy, good money, and the days go by a lot more quickly than the days at Trade Secret. I really like my boss.
-Went to the mall when I got off work and bought myself a few pairs of pants. I deserved it.
-Went to Target and bought some stuff, including a fabulous clutch.
-Went to crash classes. Didn't go so well.
-Went to the gym?
Wednesday
-Worked.
-I crashed Lucas's art class, and got Bonnie to come with. I am SOO hyped on this class, you don't even know. I look forward to using color. I think it'll make me a better artist as far as hair and make-up go. Plus, I'd like to be more gifted as far as canvases go. I used to be able to draw very well, and I used to be creative. Now I lack patience, creativity, and skill. I am thrilled to get to search myself again and use it all.
-Bonnie and I went to dinner at Le Basil afterwards. I love Thai food. I love how fresh it is, and not greasy, and all the vegetables used. You don't feel fat afterwards.
-Went home.
Thursday
-Worked. Not so good of a day as other days. I decided I was uncomfortable and missed J.Russell a lot. It was just a little bad mood. I'm over it now.
-Went home to nap before a lonnng class. So I squeezed in a 15 minute nap, but then had to pick up Bonnie and venture over there. We are now in Psychology of Women. I thought it was gonna be about the actual psychology of women, but it is sounding like a big lesbian class where we learn about feminism, which I don't really give a shit about, but whatever. I need the credits, and there's no harm in learning. I now have Art, general psychology, and that class. It goes til 9:50, which is pretty painful, after a full's day work. Same with art, but I look forward to being creative being that I have an eye for color and beauty.
-Picked up Jackie and we went to eat since we got out early, when we should have gone to the gym.
Friday
-Worked. I had an excellent day. I decided to just BE COMFORTABLE. I reminded myself of what a great environment I was in, and how God surely had to have directed me there.
-Dashed home, changed, and went to work at Ciro's. I felt nauseated all evening, which didn't make for a pleasant working experience. I got to leave the restaurant a lot for deliveries though, and that was fabulous.
-Now I am at home, and I need to do some homework. Farewell to my free life.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
By the way...
...I'm sure now that the past is the past. I'm really not going to look back. The chapter is closed. It is, it is, it is. I know it is. My present has you in it, and I want to keep it that way. The last 3 months of you have been nice, and I can count to 4...
Obviously obvious...
Why do let me stay here?
All by myself
Why don't you come and play here?
I'm just sitting on the shelf
Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile?
We like the same things and I like your style
Its not a secret; why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting on the shelf
I got to get your presence
Let's make it known
I think you're just so pleasant
I would like you for my own
All by myself
Why don't you come and play here?
I'm just sitting on the shelf
Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile?
We like the same things and I like your style
Its not a secret; why do you keep it?
I'm just sitting on the shelf
I got to get your presence
Let's make it known
I think you're just so pleasant
I would like you for my own
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday
-Woke up next to the boy, which was nice. I missed him on top of hating waking up alone.
-Went home to get ready to go to Disneyland with Ab, but ended up deciding against it because of a few things. I felt really bad, but it just didn't feel right to go. But I made plans to take him to dinner at Kobe.
-Matthew came over while I got ready and tried to get me to see why Entourage is good, but I still thought it was boring. We listened to some Sade and talked about how good and romantic "By Your Side" is and how it almost made him cry at a wedding, like a big sissy girl.
-Chris then came over. I love seeing him now that I hardly do.
-Then Ab got to my house, and we were able to leave to Kobe.
-Gio and Claudia met us there, as well as this girl Ab used to date, and we had a lovely dinner. The chef sucked though. He couldn't cut the chicken properly, and the veggies were under cooked. It was still good though.
-Ab, Chris, Matthew, and I then ventured to Palm Springs to go to The Riviera. We just got one drink and took pictures. I love going there.
-Went to Matthew's for a little kickback thing. Gio, Chris, Ab, Matthew and I sat and talked and laughed. I thought I was gonna die from laughter. We are all so ridiculously funny. We were pretending to be rich snobs and were doing this obnoxious laugh, and Gio was being super molester as usual. Ahh, so funny. Then everyone left and Ab, Joseph, Matthew and I sat around talking and then watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
-Left to take Ab and Matthew to get their cars from my house, but took Matthew to get food first. Came back to my house and had a nice round of Who Would You Rather... Goood game. Ab came up with an excellent one... Brat Pitt or David Beckham?
-They went home.
Really excellent night. I think I am a lot more fun when I am not drunk. I can have coherent conversations and such. Happy Birthday Ab, by the way.
-Went home to get ready to go to Disneyland with Ab, but ended up deciding against it because of a few things. I felt really bad, but it just didn't feel right to go. But I made plans to take him to dinner at Kobe.
-Matthew came over while I got ready and tried to get me to see why Entourage is good, but I still thought it was boring. We listened to some Sade and talked about how good and romantic "By Your Side" is and how it almost made him cry at a wedding, like a big sissy girl.
-Chris then came over. I love seeing him now that I hardly do.
-Then Ab got to my house, and we were able to leave to Kobe.
-Gio and Claudia met us there, as well as this girl Ab used to date, and we had a lovely dinner. The chef sucked though. He couldn't cut the chicken properly, and the veggies were under cooked. It was still good though.
-Ab, Chris, Matthew, and I then ventured to Palm Springs to go to The Riviera. We just got one drink and took pictures. I love going there.
-Went to Matthew's for a little kickback thing. Gio, Chris, Ab, Matthew and I sat and talked and laughed. I thought I was gonna die from laughter. We are all so ridiculously funny. We were pretending to be rich snobs and were doing this obnoxious laugh, and Gio was being super molester as usual. Ahh, so funny. Then everyone left and Ab, Joseph, Matthew and I sat around talking and then watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
-Left to take Ab and Matthew to get their cars from my house, but took Matthew to get food first. Came back to my house and had a nice round of Who Would You Rather... Goood game. Ab came up with an excellent one... Brat Pitt or David Beckham?
-They went home.
Really excellent night. I think I am a lot more fun when I am not drunk. I can have coherent conversations and such. Happy Birthday Ab, by the way.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Thursday
-Went to work and did a really awesome haircut. It was a total "What Not to Wear" moment when the person gets transformed and are just like, "Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God." Like they had no idea their hair could look so good. It was nice to make someone feel good.
-Went to COD to get off academic probation and I did, and I found out I did so well in my English class that I don't have to go through the next classes and can go straight to English 1, which means I can take an psychology class. Woo.
-Took Tess to dinner. She's missed me so it was nice to treat her to something. And it was even nicer that my mom gave me money.
-Went home to get ready to go to the gym, but then fell asleep all early.
Friday
-Went over to Trio for my training. I looove it. I am so looking forward to working there.
-Went home and got ready for work.
-Worked.
-Went to Ab's for his birthday party. I had a lot of fun with the good and the bad. Aside from wanting to rip Vanessa and her cousin's face off, it was a successful night.
-Didn't sleep all night due to phone calls and texts from two people, and had to go into my long day on 2 hours of sleep...
Saturday
-Woke up an hour late! I had an hour to get ready for work. I was soo tired. 2 hours is nothing.
-Went to work. So boring. I did this haircut and color. Looked soo much better then when the lady first got there. SOO much better. She smelled weird. I hated it.
-Went to Ciro's 2 hours late cause I got off the salon late. I was soo tired. Omg.
-Went home and got ready to go to a party with Bebo, Julian, and JD. Went to Julian's and pregamed it, and Natasha met us there, and then we all went to the party. It was really fun, I think. I remember being in the room and there was a ton of people squeezed in. Lines were going around and pipes were being passed. How romantic. I think I fell asleep, and Natasha decided it was time to go. We left. She was hungry so she got food, and I threw up, and apparently fell asleep. Then she took me over to Julian's and she went home, and then I went to get food with Bebo and Julian. I was trying to nap in my back seat while they were causing trouble going through my stuff. My organized mess is no longer organized. Thanks guys. Then we went back to the house and they ate, and then we went to bed. And no, not the 3 of us together.
Really good night.
-Went to work and did a really awesome haircut. It was a total "What Not to Wear" moment when the person gets transformed and are just like, "Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God." Like they had no idea their hair could look so good. It was nice to make someone feel good.
-Went to COD to get off academic probation and I did, and I found out I did so well in my English class that I don't have to go through the next classes and can go straight to English 1, which means I can take an psychology class. Woo.
-Took Tess to dinner. She's missed me so it was nice to treat her to something. And it was even nicer that my mom gave me money.
-Went home to get ready to go to the gym, but then fell asleep all early.
Friday
-Went over to Trio for my training. I looove it. I am so looking forward to working there.
-Went home and got ready for work.
-Worked.
-Went to Ab's for his birthday party. I had a lot of fun with the good and the bad. Aside from wanting to rip Vanessa and her cousin's face off, it was a successful night.
-Didn't sleep all night due to phone calls and texts from two people, and had to go into my long day on 2 hours of sleep...
Saturday
-Woke up an hour late! I had an hour to get ready for work. I was soo tired. 2 hours is nothing.
-Went to work. So boring. I did this haircut and color. Looked soo much better then when the lady first got there. SOO much better. She smelled weird. I hated it.
-Went to Ciro's 2 hours late cause I got off the salon late. I was soo tired. Omg.
-Went home and got ready to go to a party with Bebo, Julian, and JD. Went to Julian's and pregamed it, and Natasha met us there, and then we all went to the party. It was really fun, I think. I remember being in the room and there was a ton of people squeezed in. Lines were going around and pipes were being passed. How romantic. I think I fell asleep, and Natasha decided it was time to go. We left. She was hungry so she got food, and I threw up, and apparently fell asleep. Then she took me over to Julian's and she went home, and then I went to get food with Bebo and Julian. I was trying to nap in my back seat while they were causing trouble going through my stuff. My organized mess is no longer organized. Thanks guys. Then we went back to the house and they ate, and then we went to bed. And no, not the 3 of us together.
Really good night.
Funny how...
...you bring up not being able to trust me now.
You're one to talk about trust and honesty.
Maybe if you were honest yourself, trusting me wouldn't be an issue because none of this would have happened.
Whatever. A reminder of why I'm over it.
Don't try to turn the tables on me. We've played this game for a couple of years too long that I know how to play it back now, and there's no making me feel bad about all that you have done.
And wowww, you've told her all along to leave me alone? How heroic! Not.
Did you tell her your part in it all? Doubt it, so your telling her to leave me alone really was pointless.
Maybe you shouldn't have said what you said. Saying it gets you caught, and remember, I'm not taking the blame anymore because again, "Betrayal is a funny crown. You wear it well, just like a king. Revenge is the saddest thing. Honey, I'm afraid to say, you deserve everything."
And if you don't care about her, why is it wrong for her to know the truth? Whatever, man, get your shit together.
You're one to talk about trust and honesty.
Maybe if you were honest yourself, trusting me wouldn't be an issue because none of this would have happened.
Whatever. A reminder of why I'm over it.
Don't try to turn the tables on me. We've played this game for a couple of years too long that I know how to play it back now, and there's no making me feel bad about all that you have done.
And wowww, you've told her all along to leave me alone? How heroic! Not.
Did you tell her your part in it all? Doubt it, so your telling her to leave me alone really was pointless.
Maybe you shouldn't have said what you said. Saying it gets you caught, and remember, I'm not taking the blame anymore because again, "Betrayal is a funny crown. You wear it well, just like a king. Revenge is the saddest thing. Honey, I'm afraid to say, you deserve everything."
And if you don't care about her, why is it wrong for her to know the truth? Whatever, man, get your shit together.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Round 129312932312
My heart is heavy. We need to talk.
I don't know how to feel.
I thought I was ok. I thought I made progress, but where my heart is now feels like I made none.
This is odd.
I don't know how to feel.
I thought I was ok. I thought I made progress, but where my heart is now feels like I made none.
This is odd.
I like how I actually apologized to Vanessa because I sincerely am over it, and she started what she did last night.
I'm so over it that I said sorry to officially close a bad part of my life. I'm healed and ready to move on and she can't accept the past. I'm so bothered by that. Here, I've put all this effort to be kind and humble myself for my wrongs, and put effort into my own healing and forgiving him for hurting me. It's not easy to forgive when someone doesn't say sorry, but I looked inside of myself and to God and made it happen, and she just has to push and pull and make it seem as though it isn't over.
I hate that I reacted to her. I hate that I wasn't drunk, and came off as the typical drunk Lauren out of my rage for her and her cousin getting in my face. I hate that everyone can say I won this, but I can't say that I did because I reacted and let my trashy side come out of me.
To top it off, he calls me and texts me. She sees something, starts calling me, and texting me this morning to jump down my throat when it was HIM. So I do her the favor by forwarding her what he says because I don't care about him, and I don't care to cover for him, and she has the nerve to say, "How do I know if those are real?"
Anyone who knows him knows how he is. And plus, why would I take the time to make those fake texts with times included?
I want to be left alone as far as he goes to prove that it's done and she's making it worse for me, for him, for herself, and for everyone.
I guess it's another test to prove my progress.
I'm so over it that I said sorry to officially close a bad part of my life. I'm healed and ready to move on and she can't accept the past. I'm so bothered by that. Here, I've put all this effort to be kind and humble myself for my wrongs, and put effort into my own healing and forgiving him for hurting me. It's not easy to forgive when someone doesn't say sorry, but I looked inside of myself and to God and made it happen, and she just has to push and pull and make it seem as though it isn't over.
I hate that I reacted to her. I hate that I wasn't drunk, and came off as the typical drunk Lauren out of my rage for her and her cousin getting in my face. I hate that everyone can say I won this, but I can't say that I did because I reacted and let my trashy side come out of me.
To top it off, he calls me and texts me. She sees something, starts calling me, and texting me this morning to jump down my throat when it was HIM. So I do her the favor by forwarding her what he says because I don't care about him, and I don't care to cover for him, and she has the nerve to say, "How do I know if those are real?"
Anyone who knows him knows how he is. And plus, why would I take the time to make those fake texts with times included?
I want to be left alone as far as he goes to prove that it's done and she's making it worse for me, for him, for herself, and for everyone.
I guess it's another test to prove my progress.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I used to think...
...that someone would come along and lay beside me in a space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress and box spring stayed like new...
I need the other side filled. Not out of lust either. What happened? What's happening? Why?
I need the other side filled. Not out of lust either. What happened? What's happening? Why?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesgay
-Had to go to work after hearing some devastating news. Managed to get there without losing my cool and not crying. I prayed and prayed. It's all I can do. I'm just so angry at the situation. So angry, and so disappointed. All I know is that this person is lucky my mother isn't like me, otherwise they'd be fucking dead. No joke. There's no messing with my family, even though a lot of the time, I can't stand them.
-Worked 10-4:30. Stocked stuff, and did a haircut on my cousin. Came out pretty cute. It's kinda cool working in the mall. I see people. I saw CJ this morning, and that kinda made my day. It'd be silly to stay in the mall for social purposes though.
-Got off, came home, had dinner, and then met Moses, Lucas, and AB at Burgers and Beer. I was looking forward to having a nice margarita, but I couldn't find my ID. I was bummed on that, but not all that bummed. I had a good time. They cracked me up. I love nights where you just laugh and have little care in the world about nonsense. Dario ended up meeting us there. AB won me this little lamb thing out of the claw machine. It was cute.
-Went home, changed, then Bonnie picked me up for the gym. Pretty good work-out. We even did the Stair Master thing. Ouch. But I'm gonna get my great ass back.
-Came home, watched a little Flight of the Conchords, but am now going to bed.
Pretty good day.
-Worked 10-4:30. Stocked stuff, and did a haircut on my cousin. Came out pretty cute. It's kinda cool working in the mall. I see people. I saw CJ this morning, and that kinda made my day. It'd be silly to stay in the mall for social purposes though.
-Got off, came home, had dinner, and then met Moses, Lucas, and AB at Burgers and Beer. I was looking forward to having a nice margarita, but I couldn't find my ID. I was bummed on that, but not all that bummed. I had a good time. They cracked me up. I love nights where you just laugh and have little care in the world about nonsense. Dario ended up meeting us there. AB won me this little lamb thing out of the claw machine. It was cute.
-Went home, changed, then Bonnie picked me up for the gym. Pretty good work-out. We even did the Stair Master thing. Ouch. But I'm gonna get my great ass back.
-Came home, watched a little Flight of the Conchords, but am now going to bed.
Pretty good day.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Ohh no...
...drunk bitch Lauren apparently made another attack last week.
I guess I was saying these girls were ugly all out loud (out of jealousy) so they could hear me. I mean, they really weren't cute, but I didn't have to put it out like that.
I could slap myself in the forehead. Soo embarrassing.
Reason #2312313121 to stop drinking.
Who the fuckkk am I when I do that? Ugh.
I guess I was saying these girls were ugly all out loud (out of jealousy) so they could hear me. I mean, they really weren't cute, but I didn't have to put it out like that.
I could slap myself in the forehead. Soo embarrassing.
Reason #2312313121 to stop drinking.
Who the fuckkk am I when I do that? Ugh.
Tuesday
-Woke up and had to deal with Bonnie's car possibly needing to be towed. Not a way to start my day.
-Got ready for orientation.
-Went to orientation.
-Went to MAC and got some new eyeliner and cover up.
-Went back to orientation.
-Took a break and went to Cosmoprof.
-Went back to orientation. It was pretty boring, but at least I was getting paid for it. I feel so bad though like making them go through all of this when I am just going to quit. I decided I want to go to Trio over Trade Secret. Trade Secret is far to retail affiliated. I know I shouldn't be such a diva yet, but I already know I'm going to have people working for me that I have no business starting my business working for people... If I'm gonna be a big timer, I need to stay in with them. I really hope I'm not too arrogant. I also hate the idea of working for something so corporate. I don't like being told what to do, and corporate grabs you by the balls. I also don't like the fact that my dress code would be to wear all black. I can't follow rules. At J. Russell I was told to wear all black, but it's not corporate so I wore what I wanted and always looked good so they never said anything. I NEED to be able to bend the rules some. I'm a vision in white and need to be able to wear white. Trio is wear I'll go. Plus, I wouldn't get off til 5:30 from Trade Secret and 1. 10 to 5:30 are too many hours to be cooped up in one place. Trio, I'd be working 10-4 and I'd get to see sunlight. 2. I need to get to Ciro's by 5/5:30, and getting off at 5:30 would be I wouldn't get there til 6 at the earliest. Not gonna work, and I'm not gonna screw over Ciro's. They've been good to be for the last 5 years that I'm ready to finally be good to them.
-Got finished around 5:30 and I went to BCBG to drop off stuff from my brother. I looked around some and realized how much I need to make money, and how badly I want to be like 90 lbs so I can look cute in everything. Pretty sure it'll never happen, but God, how I wish. It sucks knowing I'll never be that little. Even when I was 16, crazy, and NEVER ate, I was never that little. Smallest I ever got was a size 9 with a butt and thighs like mine. Oh well.
-Went home, helped my mom clean up while she made dinner.
-Tried registering for classes, but apparently I'm on probation. What?
-Fell asleep.
-Got ready for orientation.
-Went to orientation.
-Went to MAC and got some new eyeliner and cover up.
-Went back to orientation.
-Took a break and went to Cosmoprof.
-Went back to orientation. It was pretty boring, but at least I was getting paid for it. I feel so bad though like making them go through all of this when I am just going to quit. I decided I want to go to Trio over Trade Secret. Trade Secret is far to retail affiliated. I know I shouldn't be such a diva yet, but I already know I'm going to have people working for me that I have no business starting my business working for people... If I'm gonna be a big timer, I need to stay in with them. I really hope I'm not too arrogant. I also hate the idea of working for something so corporate. I don't like being told what to do, and corporate grabs you by the balls. I also don't like the fact that my dress code would be to wear all black. I can't follow rules. At J. Russell I was told to wear all black, but it's not corporate so I wore what I wanted and always looked good so they never said anything. I NEED to be able to bend the rules some. I'm a vision in white and need to be able to wear white. Trio is wear I'll go. Plus, I wouldn't get off til 5:30 from Trade Secret and 1. 10 to 5:30 are too many hours to be cooped up in one place. Trio, I'd be working 10-4 and I'd get to see sunlight. 2. I need to get to Ciro's by 5/5:30, and getting off at 5:30 would be I wouldn't get there til 6 at the earliest. Not gonna work, and I'm not gonna screw over Ciro's. They've been good to be for the last 5 years that I'm ready to finally be good to them.
-Got finished around 5:30 and I went to BCBG to drop off stuff from my brother. I looked around some and realized how much I need to make money, and how badly I want to be like 90 lbs so I can look cute in everything. Pretty sure it'll never happen, but God, how I wish. It sucks knowing I'll never be that little. Even when I was 16, crazy, and NEVER ate, I was never that little. Smallest I ever got was a size 9 with a butt and thighs like mine. Oh well.
-Went home, helped my mom clean up while she made dinner.
-Tried registering for classes, but apparently I'm on probation. What?
-Fell asleep.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday
-Woke up and attempted to clean my room. Didn't really happen. I did do some laundry though.
-Got ready for work. I was really bummed on going because I had to miss Malibu, but I ended up being very glad I didn't call. Two other servers called off so I got to serve and made $56 in 4 hours. Normally, I make like $20 on a Monday night doing to-go orders. I'm glad my manager is letting me serve more. I've been at Ciro's since I was 15... I know my stuff.
-Came home and got ready for the gym.
-Bonnie came to pick me up all high. I knew she was going to be.
-Went to the gym.
-Came home and Bonnie thought she locked her keys in her car, so she spent the night.
Nothing too eventful, but a good day.
-Got ready for work. I was really bummed on going because I had to miss Malibu, but I ended up being very glad I didn't call. Two other servers called off so I got to serve and made $56 in 4 hours. Normally, I make like $20 on a Monday night doing to-go orders. I'm glad my manager is letting me serve more. I've been at Ciro's since I was 15... I know my stuff.
-Came home and got ready for the gym.
-Bonnie came to pick me up all high. I knew she was going to be.
-Went to the gym.
-Came home and Bonnie thought she locked her keys in her car, so she spent the night.
Nothing too eventful, but a good day.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday and Sunday
Saturday
-Woke up pretty early so I could get out of damn Big Bear. I drove Bon and I back on my own. I was so proud. And I felt so independent. It gave my parents heart failure, but they need to see that I am growing up.
-Got home, napped, and got ready for work.
-Worked. Boring night.
-Got home and got ready and went out with Charly and Julian. Charly got super drunk. I knew he was going to cause he was drinking and smoking like he was invincible. I took care of him though... I even wiped vomit off of his face at the party. I reminisced about high school with some girls, and talked to Jackie's sister Gina. She and Jackie are so much alike, it was nuts!!
-Left the party, but partied a little more, and went home.
Sunday
-Went to work. Pretty lame night again cause I wasn't working with Joanna or Goldyn.
-Went home and watched Flight of the Conchords.
-Woke up pretty early so I could get out of damn Big Bear. I drove Bon and I back on my own. I was so proud. And I felt so independent. It gave my parents heart failure, but they need to see that I am growing up.
-Got home, napped, and got ready for work.
-Worked. Boring night.
-Got home and got ready and went out with Charly and Julian. Charly got super drunk. I knew he was going to cause he was drinking and smoking like he was invincible. I took care of him though... I even wiped vomit off of his face at the party. I reminisced about high school with some girls, and talked to Jackie's sister Gina. She and Jackie are so much alike, it was nuts!!
-Left the party, but partied a little more, and went home.
Sunday
-Went to work. Pretty lame night again cause I wasn't working with Joanna or Goldyn.
-Went home and watched Flight of the Conchords.
Heartbeats
One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue...
...To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, oh
And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, oh
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
One night of magic rush
The start - a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue...
...To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, oh
And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no
To call for hands of above to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, oh
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A Revelation
I think I am finally growing up. I'm not sure what is going on that I keep having these divine interventions of change in my thought process, but man am I.
I was watching Superbad on Friday night and it hit me like a raging slap across the face that I have been SO unattractive in my party habits. It was the girl that Michael Cera's character was going after who just embarrassed me. She plays being drunk and stupid so well. When you're in her place, you think, "Oo, I'm drunk and I'm cute and I'm drunk so making an ass out of myself is ok.", when in reality it's like you're really just annoying, stupid, and drunk and not even a little cute.
And then the other night, I was shown how unattractive I have been through another person's behavior. They were drunk and doing stupid stuff that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend, and it was like geese, we are over 20 years old acting like we're 16. They reminded me of Patrick and it irritated me so much. I never want to go back to being 16, and all of the embarrassment that came along with that age for myself and fellow 16 year olds, and there it was...it was like being 16 again with the silly behavior of theirs. But who was I to get irritated and find them unappealing when that's been my behavior for the last 4 years... And I felt bad at the same time for being annoying. At least I was able to understand where they had been coming from though. I guess.
There it was. A reality check. A complete reality check of what the fuck am I doing and how stupid is this life?
Maybe it's because of what my family is going through that I'm seeing the light. Or maybe it's because of my latest drunken behavior and my not being able to have a relationship because I can't be taken seriously due to it. Or maybe it's because I really am growing up.
Starting next week, I'm going to be working 2 jobs and going to school full-time. I am stepping up to the plate big time. No one is going to make my dreams come true other than myself, and I've come to accept that I may lose my social life right now to do it. But the harder I work now, the sooner I will be making more money, and when I am making that much money, I am going to have all the fun in the world seeing the world.
I'm counting on doing this alone because people just aren't dependable, but I do hope to find a man who will embark upon tasting different cultures with me. It'd be amazing to share those memories with someone, and say you've made love to them in so many different places of the world. And have pictures holding hands in front of landmarks.
I'm kind of falling of my original topic though...
It's just that it has sunk in how stupid drinking is. Look at all the relationships that have had to pay prices because of it... It gets in the way by starting fights, or making someone overly loving, or not loving enough. Or it makes people cheat. And people lose their lives over it too.
I know there is such thing as drinking in moderation, but as our generation falls apart even more, moderation goes out the window and we all drink so we can't see straight or walk upright. And we can't even treat ourselves with an ounce of respect when we are that drunk.
It's odd thinking this way about alcohol when I have loved it for so long. But it does feel good to be this enlightened.
I also realized that I am supposed to be married at 23 to have my first baby by the time I am 28, and guess what? I am 20. I have 3 years to get married. 3!! That's nothing. I really need to get my game face on and set my priorities. There is no way I can have my FIRST baby after the time I am 30.
Anyway, the pearl earrings are back on, and my Jackie-O type of class is coming back into action. I'm getting a pearl bracelet for my 21st birthday to go with that class. That bracelet is my wedding day bracelet, FYI.
Oh! And my parents also told me I can get a new car in the next couple of months... Maturity totally pays off. Thank God for my revelations.
By the way, if you're game to be in my new found life, be in it. If you're not, byyye. I don't have time or energy to be brought down anymore. I'll never go back to that place where I couldn't enjoy things because I was so worried about stupid people. Just saying.
I was watching Superbad on Friday night and it hit me like a raging slap across the face that I have been SO unattractive in my party habits. It was the girl that Michael Cera's character was going after who just embarrassed me. She plays being drunk and stupid so well. When you're in her place, you think, "Oo, I'm drunk and I'm cute and I'm drunk so making an ass out of myself is ok.", when in reality it's like you're really just annoying, stupid, and drunk and not even a little cute.
And then the other night, I was shown how unattractive I have been through another person's behavior. They were drunk and doing stupid stuff that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend, and it was like geese, we are over 20 years old acting like we're 16. They reminded me of Patrick and it irritated me so much. I never want to go back to being 16, and all of the embarrassment that came along with that age for myself and fellow 16 year olds, and there it was...it was like being 16 again with the silly behavior of theirs. But who was I to get irritated and find them unappealing when that's been my behavior for the last 4 years... And I felt bad at the same time for being annoying. At least I was able to understand where they had been coming from though. I guess.
There it was. A reality check. A complete reality check of what the fuck am I doing and how stupid is this life?
Maybe it's because of what my family is going through that I'm seeing the light. Or maybe it's because of my latest drunken behavior and my not being able to have a relationship because I can't be taken seriously due to it. Or maybe it's because I really am growing up.
Starting next week, I'm going to be working 2 jobs and going to school full-time. I am stepping up to the plate big time. No one is going to make my dreams come true other than myself, and I've come to accept that I may lose my social life right now to do it. But the harder I work now, the sooner I will be making more money, and when I am making that much money, I am going to have all the fun in the world seeing the world.
I'm counting on doing this alone because people just aren't dependable, but I do hope to find a man who will embark upon tasting different cultures with me. It'd be amazing to share those memories with someone, and say you've made love to them in so many different places of the world. And have pictures holding hands in front of landmarks.
I'm kind of falling of my original topic though...
It's just that it has sunk in how stupid drinking is. Look at all the relationships that have had to pay prices because of it... It gets in the way by starting fights, or making someone overly loving, or not loving enough. Or it makes people cheat. And people lose their lives over it too.
I know there is such thing as drinking in moderation, but as our generation falls apart even more, moderation goes out the window and we all drink so we can't see straight or walk upright. And we can't even treat ourselves with an ounce of respect when we are that drunk.
It's odd thinking this way about alcohol when I have loved it for so long. But it does feel good to be this enlightened.
I also realized that I am supposed to be married at 23 to have my first baby by the time I am 28, and guess what? I am 20. I have 3 years to get married. 3!! That's nothing. I really need to get my game face on and set my priorities. There is no way I can have my FIRST baby after the time I am 30.
Anyway, the pearl earrings are back on, and my Jackie-O type of class is coming back into action. I'm getting a pearl bracelet for my 21st birthday to go with that class. That bracelet is my wedding day bracelet, FYI.
Oh! And my parents also told me I can get a new car in the next couple of months... Maturity totally pays off. Thank God for my revelations.
By the way, if you're game to be in my new found life, be in it. If you're not, byyye. I don't have time or energy to be brought down anymore. I'll never go back to that place where I couldn't enjoy things because I was so worried about stupid people. Just saying.
That..
...may have been a little dramatic, but it is mostly true.
I really am upset with the time of mine you wasted and my hope that you played with.
2+ months is too much time to string someone along in this short of a life.
Is it really that difficult to be considerate of another human beings feelings?
I really am upset with the time of mine you wasted and my hope that you played with.
2+ months is too much time to string someone along in this short of a life.
Is it really that difficult to be considerate of another human beings feelings?
Here's a big fuck you.
Fuck you for getting my hopes up.
Fuck you for using me.
Fuck you for wasting my fucking time
Fuck you for being a liar.
Fuck you for making me feel bad about myself when you obviously couldn't sacrifice some time.
Fuck you.
Fuck you. Seriously. You're another typical guy. I want to cry my eyes out with frustration and regret and disappointment, but maybe I've done that too much over the last couple of years.
Fuck you for making me feel sad. FUCK YOU.
You could be a little more considerate.
I'm sorry I'm so insufficient.
Fuck you for using me.
Fuck you for wasting my fucking time
Fuck you for being a liar.
Fuck you for making me feel bad about myself when you obviously couldn't sacrifice some time.
Fuck you.
Fuck you. Seriously. You're another typical guy. I want to cry my eyes out with frustration and regret and disappointment, but maybe I've done that too much over the last couple of years.
Fuck you for making me feel sad. FUCK YOU.
You could be a little more considerate.
I'm sorry I'm so insufficient.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thursday and Friday
Thursday
-Was unpleasantly woken up to blow-dry my moms hair. So annoying being responsible for someone else's hair every 3 days.
-Got ready, packed my stuff, and said bye to Princess, picked up my brother and picked up Bonnie and we were off to Big Bear.
-Got to Big Bear and Bonnie and I napped like big lesbos. We had a late night out, even though we weren't with each other the night before.
-Sat around the Big Bear house and played games with the family and drank and ate and blah blah blah for Desiree's birthday... I didn't really feel like drinking though. Why can't I be like that on the weekends? Not want to drink, so I can be more chill and pleasant? Anywho, pretty sure Des had a good birthday, aside from Nicholas being a needy little cry baby bastard. =] He's soo cute though.
-Stayed up late talking.
Friday
-Woke up and had breakfast and then got ready to play in the snow. Chris and Bonnie built a Snowman. I tried to help, but I reeeally hate wearing gloves, and the snow was far too cold to touch with bare hands. I sat on a log instead and talked to them. It was so funny though cause they were soo serious about it, and ended up naming it Jubastian because Bonnie wants to name her son Julian and Chris wants to name his Sebastian. They were pretty funny.
-Went back to the cabin and had some alone time while everyone was spread out. It was needed. I don't like having to be around 2323423423412234 all day long.
-Watched tv/movies with the family, including this one animal show in HD. Soo crazy. I had no idea HD was anything cool... I thought it was something that was like whatever, but OMG, it was nuttts.
-Bonnie and I decided to go take a drive and get food. It was really scary driving around cause it was all icy on top of not being able to see out the window. THEN we got sooo lost. That was scary. My dad came and got us though and saved the day. We then watched Superbad and edited her Myspace.
Too lazy of a weekend. I'm so happy to be home.
-Was unpleasantly woken up to blow-dry my moms hair. So annoying being responsible for someone else's hair every 3 days.
-Got ready, packed my stuff, and said bye to Princess, picked up my brother and picked up Bonnie and we were off to Big Bear.
-Got to Big Bear and Bonnie and I napped like big lesbos. We had a late night out, even though we weren't with each other the night before.
-Sat around the Big Bear house and played games with the family and drank and ate and blah blah blah for Desiree's birthday... I didn't really feel like drinking though. Why can't I be like that on the weekends? Not want to drink, so I can be more chill and pleasant? Anywho, pretty sure Des had a good birthday, aside from Nicholas being a needy little cry baby bastard. =] He's soo cute though.
-Stayed up late talking.
Friday
-Woke up and had breakfast and then got ready to play in the snow. Chris and Bonnie built a Snowman. I tried to help, but I reeeally hate wearing gloves, and the snow was far too cold to touch with bare hands. I sat on a log instead and talked to them. It was so funny though cause they were soo serious about it, and ended up naming it Jubastian because Bonnie wants to name her son Julian and Chris wants to name his Sebastian. They were pretty funny.
-Went back to the cabin and had some alone time while everyone was spread out. It was needed. I don't like having to be around 2323423423412234 all day long.
-Watched tv/movies with the family, including this one animal show in HD. Soo crazy. I had no idea HD was anything cool... I thought it was something that was like whatever, but OMG, it was nuttts.
-Bonnie and I decided to go take a drive and get food. It was really scary driving around cause it was all icy on top of not being able to see out the window. THEN we got sooo lost. That was scary. My dad came and got us though and saved the day. We then watched Superbad and edited her Myspace.
Too lazy of a weekend. I'm so happy to be home.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday
-Woke up, got ready, and went to Ciro's to get my check and get Maily some eggplant. I really couldn't afford it cause I spent all my money... I had $9 to my name, and then left with $3, but I wanted to do something nice for her.
-Went to J.Russell to get the key from Maily to the Big Bear house. I visited with Raymond and Vincent, and it was totally nice. I miss Vinny SO much. And then I saw Tanya and she was like, "Omg! I was just gonna try to get your number!" because this lady called her asking if she knew of anyone who could assist her friend down at the salon in Trio on El Paseo. She told the lady how awesome and pretty I am, and so then I called the lady and she told me to go down to Trio and talk to her friend. So I went and grabbed my interview. It went pretty well. I have my job at Trade Secret so I'm a little nervous that I will get hired at Trio, and will let go of a possibly great job. I don't know. I just really want to stay on El Paseo... I want that type of clientele. Well, we'll see if I even get the job... What ever is meant to be will be.
-Went to Michael's to get some stickers for my mom.
-Went home and did some chores.
-Got ready, went to Julian's and pre-gamed it with him while we waited for Devin to pick us up to go to the show in Cat. City.
-Went to the show and it was really fun. Found out Menessa is preggers, and saw the ultrasound, and I got faaarrrr too giddy. Like overwhelmed with excitement. I was getting really annoyed by some stuff. Somebodyyyy was being far too inconsiderate. But whatever. Fuck it. I'll make it their problem, even though I'm really not because thinking about it BUGS me right now. Ajqklweqqw. No wonder I can't trust people. I had fun dancing with Gio though.
-Left with Devin, Julian, Bebo, and Moses to go to get more beer, and then we went to Matt's. The drive there was more fun than Matt's.
-Went home far too late for my own good today being that I need to pack. Good night though, overall. Aside from some LEGIT jealousy.
-Went to J.Russell to get the key from Maily to the Big Bear house. I visited with Raymond and Vincent, and it was totally nice. I miss Vinny SO much. And then I saw Tanya and she was like, "Omg! I was just gonna try to get your number!" because this lady called her asking if she knew of anyone who could assist her friend down at the salon in Trio on El Paseo. She told the lady how awesome and pretty I am, and so then I called the lady and she told me to go down to Trio and talk to her friend. So I went and grabbed my interview. It went pretty well. I have my job at Trade Secret so I'm a little nervous that I will get hired at Trio, and will let go of a possibly great job. I don't know. I just really want to stay on El Paseo... I want that type of clientele. Well, we'll see if I even get the job... What ever is meant to be will be.
-Went to Michael's to get some stickers for my mom.
-Went home and did some chores.
-Got ready, went to Julian's and pre-gamed it with him while we waited for Devin to pick us up to go to the show in Cat. City.
-Went to the show and it was really fun. Found out Menessa is preggers, and saw the ultrasound, and I got faaarrrr too giddy. Like overwhelmed with excitement. I was getting really annoyed by some stuff. Somebodyyyy was being far too inconsiderate. But whatever. Fuck it. I'll make it their problem, even though I'm really not because thinking about it BUGS me right now. Ajqklweqqw. No wonder I can't trust people. I had fun dancing with Gio though.
-Left with Devin, Julian, Bebo, and Moses to go to get more beer, and then we went to Matt's. The drive there was more fun than Matt's.
-Went home far too late for my own good today being that I need to pack. Good night though, overall. Aside from some LEGIT jealousy.
I'd spend all night
losing sleep, I'd spend the night, and lose my mind.
Why do boys make you so crazy?
Stop being so cute.
Why do boys make you so crazy?
Stop being so cute.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Funny...
..watching myself evolve.
I finally took out my nose piercing. I've had it for 2 years and 2 months, and I'm over it. It's all more than just a hole though.
It's like closure from my defiant past.
Yeah, I look good with piercings, and yeah, I like they way they look on people, but at the same time, they can reflect some self-loathing going on.
It's funny looking at pictures of myself with my septum, Monroe, and my nose. I looked good, but not me. I'm not that girl. I'm the pretty natural brunette who is going to be the lady who wears a new black dress everyday with Chanel glasses.
I'm kind of sad that I'm going to let it close, especially because I look really cute with a nose ring, but I'm tired of being silly. I'm ready to keep the pearl earrings in my ears and not look confused. Pearl earrings with tons of piercings just doesn't fit.
I'm ready to be the classy lady who's taken home to mothers. I used to be that girl, and sometime at 16, I got confused and hated myself, and covered myself with big hair and lots of make-up. I really did look pretty, and my hair was beautiful jet black, but I was so fake looking. I love looking fake, I really do. But why when I look so nice not fake?
I guess it's a sign of maturity. No one wants to take a girl home to their mother looking as made up as I did.
You used to not even be able to see the color of my eyes cause I'd pack on so much eyeliner. It always looked like I was ready to go out somewhere. And it took soo long to get ready that I really wouldn't get anywhere.
Once my hair gets really long, I intend to dye it back to black though. I can't wait to have long black hair with a heavy straight across bang. Can't wait!
I don't know. I'm just pleased with how I see myself now. Sure, I'm still confused about a lot, and a lot about myself, but I don't hate myself. And by wearing less make-up, and looking less fake, I think it shows I like myself and I don't need to hide under so much.
I finally took out my nose piercing. I've had it for 2 years and 2 months, and I'm over it. It's all more than just a hole though.
It's like closure from my defiant past.
Yeah, I look good with piercings, and yeah, I like they way they look on people, but at the same time, they can reflect some self-loathing going on.
It's funny looking at pictures of myself with my septum, Monroe, and my nose. I looked good, but not me. I'm not that girl. I'm the pretty natural brunette who is going to be the lady who wears a new black dress everyday with Chanel glasses.
I'm kind of sad that I'm going to let it close, especially because I look really cute with a nose ring, but I'm tired of being silly. I'm ready to keep the pearl earrings in my ears and not look confused. Pearl earrings with tons of piercings just doesn't fit.
I'm ready to be the classy lady who's taken home to mothers. I used to be that girl, and sometime at 16, I got confused and hated myself, and covered myself with big hair and lots of make-up. I really did look pretty, and my hair was beautiful jet black, but I was so fake looking. I love looking fake, I really do. But why when I look so nice not fake?
I guess it's a sign of maturity. No one wants to take a girl home to their mother looking as made up as I did.
You used to not even be able to see the color of my eyes cause I'd pack on so much eyeliner. It always looked like I was ready to go out somewhere. And it took soo long to get ready that I really wouldn't get anywhere.
Once my hair gets really long, I intend to dye it back to black though. I can't wait to have long black hair with a heavy straight across bang. Can't wait!
I don't know. I'm just pleased with how I see myself now. Sure, I'm still confused about a lot, and a lot about myself, but I don't hate myself. And by wearing less make-up, and looking less fake, I think it shows I like myself and I don't need to hide under so much.
Tuesday
-Woke up far too early at Bonnie's cause Clark is totally rude and jumps on me with all of his weight.
-Took Bonnie to pick up her car.
-Went home and got ready to go to COD to see if I could get financial aid. BIG FAT waste of time. I don't qualify. Wahhh. I couldn't even get the BOG Waiver.
-Went to the mall to get Desiree a birthday present, even though I really don't owe her one considering I did a kick ass weave on her last week, and cut. But I got her a pair of cute earrings to wear with her fabulous wedding ring.
-Tried to kill some time cause I needed to go to Verizon, but James didn't work til 1, so I went to the bank and slowly deposited money, and got gas.
-Finally 1 rolled around I got to go get a phone charger and got to bring my precious baby back to life.
-Picked Tess up from school, got her ready for ballet, took her to ballet, and picked her up from ballet. I'm already such a good mom.
-Myspaced it far too much, and only got annoyed and jealous. I should just delete that shit already.
-My brother came over so I talked to him for a bit. He got me this awesome huge disco ball from BCBG. They needed to take down the display, and I reeeally wanted the disco ball. Woo. I love it.
-Bonnie, Al, and I went to the gym. Kicked my ass. I did the Olyptical for an hour. OUCH. My toes went numb and my butt and calves were on fire. Then I swam 900 meters. Totally tired. But it felt good. I need to get my mind of people and things and use my energy in a better way.
-Took Bonnie to pick up her car.
-Went home and got ready to go to COD to see if I could get financial aid. BIG FAT waste of time. I don't qualify. Wahhh. I couldn't even get the BOG Waiver.
-Went to the mall to get Desiree a birthday present, even though I really don't owe her one considering I did a kick ass weave on her last week, and cut. But I got her a pair of cute earrings to wear with her fabulous wedding ring.
-Tried to kill some time cause I needed to go to Verizon, but James didn't work til 1, so I went to the bank and slowly deposited money, and got gas.
-Finally 1 rolled around I got to go get a phone charger and got to bring my precious baby back to life.
-Picked Tess up from school, got her ready for ballet, took her to ballet, and picked her up from ballet. I'm already such a good mom.
-Myspaced it far too much, and only got annoyed and jealous. I should just delete that shit already.
-My brother came over so I talked to him for a bit. He got me this awesome huge disco ball from BCBG. They needed to take down the display, and I reeeally wanted the disco ball. Woo. I love it.
-Bonnie, Al, and I went to the gym. Kicked my ass. I did the Olyptical for an hour. OUCH. My toes went numb and my butt and calves were on fire. Then I swam 900 meters. Totally tired. But it felt good. I need to get my mind of people and things and use my energy in a better way.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
My past
has finally caught up to me. I hate it. I know I can't change it. I know I can only change the now and make a future unlike what I had once made, but geese. I hate that my mom was so right.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday
I'm gonna start keeping track of this stuff again.
Saturday
-Woke up and took my car to get it's oil changed.
-My parents picked me up and we went to El Gallito for lunch.
-Went to Michael's to get some stuff for pottery. I bought a black and white sign that says LAUREN.
-Went to see Bride Wars. TOTALLY funny. I love Kate Hudson. She's the bessst.
-Picked up my car and waited around for Saturday nights events to arise. I was supposed to go to David's going away party, but then Julian called me and invited me to a party with him in the cove. I wanted to go but didn't want to feel all needy and clingy to him since I didn't know who's party it was, and so I asked if Janelle could come with.
-I went to Janelle's to wait for Julian's ass to get ready. Claire met us. We met at Julian's, and I was veddy surprised to see Bebo. We hadn't really talked since New Year's Eve. I was pleasantly surprised though.
-We all went to The Firehouse instead of the party and met Devin there, which I was happy about cause we hadn't talked much either, and I really missed her.
-Janelle and I got some dranks and talked some not so nice things about people, but everyone was totally lame. So lame that a girl had this like fur poncho. WHAT THE...?
-Left to go to that party, but didn't end up going cause we (as in Julian, Bebo, Devin, Janelle, and myself) decided to go back to Julian's. It was pretty fun. We just sat around and listened to Metric, took a lot of pictures, talked some nonsense. Bebo and Janelle had me laughing. They're really funny. I drank a little more than I had hoped too, but not nearly as much as I usually do, so that was a step. I just have to realize it takes me 2 shots to get drunk, and I should hold off on taking in more. But I think I was behaved. I did have a little jealous spout of something, but it was all cool. Pretty good night that ran into 5 am.
Sunday
-Woke up pretty sick...with like a cold...and got ready for work. I got to work about 45 minutes late, but that's not too big of a deal cause it's DEAD up until about 5. The whole night was pretty slow though. Luckily I had a couple of deliveries so I got to get out. I go a little crazy being cooped up in one place.
-Got off work around 8:30 and changed and picked up Chris Merritt to go to Tanya's so I could cut her hair. It was SO nice seeing him. It had been like a month, and he's one of my best guy friend's.
-Went to Tanya's and I cut her hair. We 3 sat around and talked, and it was nice sober fun. She showed us a bunch of cute stuff she got, and I was jealous of her thrift store finds. Chris went through her purses, and we both got one. She gave me a perfect one. Hip hip hooraaay.
-Went home.
Monday
-Woke up sick again and got ready to go to the courthouse to go to court for my $387 speeding ticket. I thought about trying to make excuses for what happened, but decided against it because I would have to be a liar, and that's not good. Lying produces bad Karma. Anywho, I went so I could get on a payment plan and request traffic school. Not only did I get an extension til April 30th, I got my ticket dropped to like $135. Thank God. $387 is a gross amount to pay to nothing!
-Went to Chipotle, and then went home to get ready for work.
-Went to work and it was DEAD again. Luckily, I got to do a delivery and I drove the speed limit to kill time. Ha. When I got back, Oscar and James were there, and that was a lovely surprise! Bonnie had ordered a salad to-go, so when she got there, she ended up just eating with them, and it was nice having friends there. I get so bored at work! We talked and laughed and decided to ditch the gym like fatties and go get a bottle of coconut rum and Diet Coke and go to the park with them and drink. It was so much fun. I wasn't even drunk, and had a good time. It was like we hung out with them all the time, which was so nice cause we've only hung out with James once at my birthday party, and then we hadn't hung out with Oscar since senior year in high school. I love people you can just click with. They got a total kick out of how Bonnie and I "vibe", and that was cool.
-Then we got hungry (all fat) and got food and went to Bonnie's. We introduced them to Bonnie's pit, Clark, and her boxer, Champ. We played with them but then decided to go outside when Clark kept growling at Oscar. We didn't want to attack. We hung out outside while Bonnie was a drunky, and then I got bored and sleepy and requested that we went to bed. They left, and we ended up talking for a year and went to bed pretty late
Another successful night.
Saturday
-Woke up and took my car to get it's oil changed.
-My parents picked me up and we went to El Gallito for lunch.
-Went to Michael's to get some stuff for pottery. I bought a black and white sign that says LAUREN.
-Went to see Bride Wars. TOTALLY funny. I love Kate Hudson. She's the bessst.
-Picked up my car and waited around for Saturday nights events to arise. I was supposed to go to David's going away party, but then Julian called me and invited me to a party with him in the cove. I wanted to go but didn't want to feel all needy and clingy to him since I didn't know who's party it was, and so I asked if Janelle could come with.
-I went to Janelle's to wait for Julian's ass to get ready. Claire met us. We met at Julian's, and I was veddy surprised to see Bebo. We hadn't really talked since New Year's Eve. I was pleasantly surprised though.
-We all went to The Firehouse instead of the party and met Devin there, which I was happy about cause we hadn't talked much either, and I really missed her.
-Janelle and I got some dranks and talked some not so nice things about people, but everyone was totally lame. So lame that a girl had this like fur poncho. WHAT THE...?
-Left to go to that party, but didn't end up going cause we (as in Julian, Bebo, Devin, Janelle, and myself) decided to go back to Julian's. It was pretty fun. We just sat around and listened to Metric, took a lot of pictures, talked some nonsense. Bebo and Janelle had me laughing. They're really funny. I drank a little more than I had hoped too, but not nearly as much as I usually do, so that was a step. I just have to realize it takes me 2 shots to get drunk, and I should hold off on taking in more. But I think I was behaved. I did have a little jealous spout of something, but it was all cool. Pretty good night that ran into 5 am.
Sunday
-Woke up pretty sick...with like a cold...and got ready for work. I got to work about 45 minutes late, but that's not too big of a deal cause it's DEAD up until about 5. The whole night was pretty slow though. Luckily I had a couple of deliveries so I got to get out. I go a little crazy being cooped up in one place.
-Got off work around 8:30 and changed and picked up Chris Merritt to go to Tanya's so I could cut her hair. It was SO nice seeing him. It had been like a month, and he's one of my best guy friend's.
-Went to Tanya's and I cut her hair. We 3 sat around and talked, and it was nice sober fun. She showed us a bunch of cute stuff she got, and I was jealous of her thrift store finds. Chris went through her purses, and we both got one. She gave me a perfect one. Hip hip hooraaay.
-Went home.
Monday
-Woke up sick again and got ready to go to the courthouse to go to court for my $387 speeding ticket. I thought about trying to make excuses for what happened, but decided against it because I would have to be a liar, and that's not good. Lying produces bad Karma. Anywho, I went so I could get on a payment plan and request traffic school. Not only did I get an extension til April 30th, I got my ticket dropped to like $135. Thank God. $387 is a gross amount to pay to nothing!
-Went to Chipotle, and then went home to get ready for work.
-Went to work and it was DEAD again. Luckily, I got to do a delivery and I drove the speed limit to kill time. Ha. When I got back, Oscar and James were there, and that was a lovely surprise! Bonnie had ordered a salad to-go, so when she got there, she ended up just eating with them, and it was nice having friends there. I get so bored at work! We talked and laughed and decided to ditch the gym like fatties and go get a bottle of coconut rum and Diet Coke and go to the park with them and drink. It was so much fun. I wasn't even drunk, and had a good time. It was like we hung out with them all the time, which was so nice cause we've only hung out with James once at my birthday party, and then we hadn't hung out with Oscar since senior year in high school. I love people you can just click with. They got a total kick out of how Bonnie and I "vibe", and that was cool.
-Then we got hungry (all fat) and got food and went to Bonnie's. We introduced them to Bonnie's pit, Clark, and her boxer, Champ. We played with them but then decided to go outside when Clark kept growling at Oscar. We didn't want to attack. We hung out outside while Bonnie was a drunky, and then I got bored and sleepy and requested that we went to bed. They left, and we ended up talking for a year and went to bed pretty late
Another successful night.
Monday, January 12, 2009
This is what it's like.
Act 1:
Where she pretends in which she doesn't care about him
Act 2:
In which he pretends he doesn't care about her, but he goes right for her .
Act 3:
In which it all plays out the way she planned it.
It's like that.
Where she pretends in which she doesn't care about him
Act 2:
In which he pretends he doesn't care about her, but he goes right for her .
Act 3:
In which it all plays out the way she planned it.
It's like that.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I pull away from people I'm closest too when I am going through stuff.
I am sorry I do that.
Sometimes it's easier to clean myself up without my close friends. It's like I can define myself as Lauren, and not as anyone else. It's just easiest this way. I'm sorry though.
I do care, it's just hard to care when I have nothing to give when I'm just trying to use all my strength to pull myself through.
I desperately need school to start, as well as my job. I need my mind to be consumed.
I hate feeling like I've lost something. But I did.
I am sorry I do that.
Sometimes it's easier to clean myself up without my close friends. It's like I can define myself as Lauren, and not as anyone else. It's just easiest this way. I'm sorry though.
I do care, it's just hard to care when I have nothing to give when I'm just trying to use all my strength to pull myself through.
I desperately need school to start, as well as my job. I need my mind to be consumed.
I hate feeling like I've lost something. But I did.
I don't..
...like waking up. Sometimes it makes me more sad than when I fell asleep.
I'm 10x more sensitive to things when I sleep and when I wake-up.
I'm more sensitive to love. I'm more sensitive to getting attached. I'm more sensitive to noise. And am more sensitive to stress.
I have to sleep peacefully to wake up peacefully.
When I sleep with heartache, I wake up with it 10x worse.
No more naps, geese.
I'm 10x more sensitive to things when I sleep and when I wake-up.
I'm more sensitive to love. I'm more sensitive to getting attached. I'm more sensitive to noise. And am more sensitive to stress.
I have to sleep peacefully to wake up peacefully.
When I sleep with heartache, I wake up with it 10x worse.
No more naps, geese.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I should
probably start acclimating myself to going to be early, but I really want to watch a movie. So I was thinking about websites that I could watch movies on.
Moviefathers.com came to mind and a rush over sadness came over me.
She was the one who told me about that site. She was the one who told me that that was the site she went on to kill time at work. I was drunk when she told me, so the next day I text her asking what the site was.
And it hit me...
I have no reason to hate her. She's done nothing to me. Sure, she took one cheap shot at me, after I disrespected her countless times.
I should be the one saying sorry, I should be the one letting her punch me, not trying to get her to fight me so I can pound her face into the cement.
What the fuck have I been thinking?
I want this to be over because I honestly don't care anymore. But this is all new to her. I've had the time to let it be old news. Water under the bridge even. And this is the life she is having to live in, not me. She has a right to hate me.
I'm the lucky one. I'm the one who got to escape. Not her.
Then I think about that time I passed out in my kitchen and blacked out, and she took me to my bed. She took care of me. She took care of the drunk girl who at random decided to be nice to her after months and months and months of being mean to her.
I treated her life shit for forever. And like a typical bitch girl, I decided to be nice to her when I was ready. Yet she never was mean to me. She always tried to talk to me, and smile at me. And then she put me to bed. I could say it over and over and over in my head, but I won't cause I'll go crazy with guilt.
I became her friend. Not because I wanted to manipulate her, but because I did like her. We had girl chats about babies, sex, families, marriage, depression, and life. I was her FRIEND. And what the fuck did I do?
And you know what makes my stomach turn? I actually miss having girl time with her, and it's too late. It doesn't matter. I can miss her, and she has no reason to care. Not one.
Not only did I stab her in the back, I said the most awful things to her. I was so inhumane.
I swear I'm not a bad person. I just had a major slip and became one there... But I know I'm not a sick person if I feel this sad for what I have done.
I'm so sorry. Her life is punishment enough. I'm supposed to be the exception to the world... When people think the world is full of scum, it's supposed to be, "Well at least there's Lauren.", because I am the furthest thing from a scummy person, and a scummy friend. I am a great person, and a great friend. And with her, I blew it. I'm the girl that she tells her sisters about and they talk sooo badly about.
The fact that I get irked when the boy I like says someone else is pretty, or when I see his ex I get jealous makes my skin crawl shows I can't imagine how she feels. I'd feel the same way she does if those little things feel so awful.
If I could say sorry and make it all up to you, I would. I really would. I really don't think you're crazy. You're in a relationship. Not much of one, but one nonetheless.
Moviefathers.com came to mind and a rush over sadness came over me.
She was the one who told me about that site. She was the one who told me that that was the site she went on to kill time at work. I was drunk when she told me, so the next day I text her asking what the site was.
And it hit me...
I have no reason to hate her. She's done nothing to me. Sure, she took one cheap shot at me, after I disrespected her countless times.
I should be the one saying sorry, I should be the one letting her punch me, not trying to get her to fight me so I can pound her face into the cement.
What the fuck have I been thinking?
I want this to be over because I honestly don't care anymore. But this is all new to her. I've had the time to let it be old news. Water under the bridge even. And this is the life she is having to live in, not me. She has a right to hate me.
I'm the lucky one. I'm the one who got to escape. Not her.
Then I think about that time I passed out in my kitchen and blacked out, and she took me to my bed. She took care of me. She took care of the drunk girl who at random decided to be nice to her after months and months and months of being mean to her.
I treated her life shit for forever. And like a typical bitch girl, I decided to be nice to her when I was ready. Yet she never was mean to me. She always tried to talk to me, and smile at me. And then she put me to bed. I could say it over and over and over in my head, but I won't cause I'll go crazy with guilt.
I became her friend. Not because I wanted to manipulate her, but because I did like her. We had girl chats about babies, sex, families, marriage, depression, and life. I was her FRIEND. And what the fuck did I do?
And you know what makes my stomach turn? I actually miss having girl time with her, and it's too late. It doesn't matter. I can miss her, and she has no reason to care. Not one.
Not only did I stab her in the back, I said the most awful things to her. I was so inhumane.
I swear I'm not a bad person. I just had a major slip and became one there... But I know I'm not a sick person if I feel this sad for what I have done.
I'm so sorry. Her life is punishment enough. I'm supposed to be the exception to the world... When people think the world is full of scum, it's supposed to be, "Well at least there's Lauren.", because I am the furthest thing from a scummy person, and a scummy friend. I am a great person, and a great friend. And with her, I blew it. I'm the girl that she tells her sisters about and they talk sooo badly about.
The fact that I get irked when the boy I like says someone else is pretty, or when I see his ex I get jealous makes my skin crawl shows I can't imagine how she feels. I'd feel the same way she does if those little things feel so awful.
If I could say sorry and make it all up to you, I would. I really would. I really don't think you're crazy. You're in a relationship. Not much of one, but one nonetheless.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
...
Are you single?
Shamefully.
What do you hear right now?
My dog crying.
Where's your phone right now?
In my pocket.
When's the last time you talked to your sister?
I talked to both of them around 10 pm.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling disappointed, but relieved I have good friends to hopefully pull me through.
Do you think anyone stalks you?
Nope. I used to have a Peeping Tom though.
Have you kissed anyone in the past 2 days?
Nope. It's almost been 2 weeks.
Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
Did it today.
Who is the last guy you talked to?
Matthew and Abran.
Do you get upset when friends tease you?
It depends on what they're teasing me about. If it's something touchy, then yeah.
Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My sister.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Liz.
Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos?
Not on myself.
Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Usually at night.
Have you ever said you'd never love again?
I have. It wasn't true.
Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
I always do.
Do you believe in forever?
I do.
Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?
A lot.
Do you like your name?
Yeah. I have a classy name. My actions really need to begin to live up to it. I'm finally trying. I wasn't willing to compromise my drinking, but now I am.
Are you alone?
I am.
Do you have any older siblings?
Two.
When was the last time you were on the phone after 1 AM?
Last week, I think.
Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
Yeah, I get that drizzy.
Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
I'm wearing a white wife beater.
When were you last standing outside?
Like 20 minutes ago when Bonnie, Matthew, Abran and I were saying bye.
Where do you want to be right now?
This one location.
Are you someone who worries too often?
Yeah. I think a lot.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I like to think so, but I doubt it.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
TIl after 2 because I went to a movie with the girls.
What color is your hair?
Brown, I guess.
Have any tattoo/piercing?
I only have my ears pierced now.
Do you think your first love effects the way you go on with life?
Yeah. For sure. You can't help but to not trust love once your first love goes wrong. And then it takes so long to get over that while you're trying to get over it, you fear you'll never get over them and it makes it hard to want to try and love again. And then you learn that you can love again, it's just different. Not less than, just different. And sometimes even better.
Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
What I would GIVE to do that.
Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
I can name two right off. I'm sure there are others. I don't blame one of those.
Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Yes, yes, yes.
Do you have your eye on anyone?
Yess, but I'm beginning to think it's done...
What was the last thing you drank?
Well, I am eating a grapefruit right now...and there's juice in it...
Has anyone disappointed you lately?
Yes.
Are you wasting your time on someone?
I hope I wasn't, and I hope I'm not.
What shoes did you wear today?
Brown boots.
Are you getting close to anyone?
Closer. AB and I have become veddy good friends.
*IN 2009:*
Where did you begin 2009?
At Moses' house.
What are you mostly looking forward to?
I'm looking forward to turning over a new leaf. Starting over. Letting go of my bad behavior. Growing up. Working hard to prepare to travel.
Do you think you will change?
Yes. And for the better.
Will you be changing your hair color?
Yeah, I'm currently in the process of lightening my hair back to it's natural level. I can't wait for it to grow long and be brown.
Will you change your hair style?
Yes, considering I am growing it out.
Will you get contacts?
Nope. Just glasses.
Will you forgive someone who your holding a grudge against?
Yeah, a couple of people. It's going to take a lot of prayer, and God's grace will enable me to forgive.
What will your new years resolution be?
It is to find control... I need to learn to control my drinking and not allow myself to continue to let it control me. I've made enough bad decisions for my lifetime that it's time to rid it of my life. It's going to only keep me from God, and where I need to be.
Do you think you drink to much?
When I do drink, I do.
Do you want to gain friends?
I guess. But I'm not so worried about making new friends, just becoming tighter with the ones I've been blessed with.
Do you plan on getting engaged or married next year?
No.
Will you go on any camps?
Yes, if I can get my life together by August. I'd love to be a counselor at this Christian camp Bon and I used to go to.
Are you thinking of doing any new sports?
Nay.
Are you planning on finally getting someone you've been waiting for?
That'd be nice.
Are you excited for your birthday?
Yes!
How old will you be turning?
I'll be 21!
Will you have lots of parties?
I doubt it... I intend to spend this year working hard so I can play even harder.
Will you go to lots of parties?
I'm doubting it. I'm turning a new leaf, remember? It's time to lose the Party Girl image.
Are you going to be moving next year?
I'm trying to move by the end of this month or next.
Will you have a job?
Duh. I have an important job interview tomorrow, actually.
Will you still have the same girlfriend/boyfriend?
I have no boyfriend.
Are you excited for next year?
Yes. I've set so many goals! Plus, I've decided to remain enrolled in COD, and that's pretty cool.
Shamefully.
What do you hear right now?
My dog crying.
Where's your phone right now?
In my pocket.
When's the last time you talked to your sister?
I talked to both of them around 10 pm.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling disappointed, but relieved I have good friends to hopefully pull me through.
Do you think anyone stalks you?
Nope. I used to have a Peeping Tom though.
Have you kissed anyone in the past 2 days?
Nope. It's almost been 2 weeks.
Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
Did it today.
Who is the last guy you talked to?
Matthew and Abran.
Do you get upset when friends tease you?
It depends on what they're teasing me about. If it's something touchy, then yeah.
Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My sister.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Liz.
Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos?
Not on myself.
Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Usually at night.
Have you ever said you'd never love again?
I have. It wasn't true.
Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
I always do.
Do you believe in forever?
I do.
Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?
A lot.
Do you like your name?
Yeah. I have a classy name. My actions really need to begin to live up to it. I'm finally trying. I wasn't willing to compromise my drinking, but now I am.
Are you alone?
I am.
Do you have any older siblings?
Two.
When was the last time you were on the phone after 1 AM?
Last week, I think.
Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
Yeah, I get that drizzy.
Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
I'm wearing a white wife beater.
When were you last standing outside?
Like 20 minutes ago when Bonnie, Matthew, Abran and I were saying bye.
Where do you want to be right now?
This one location.
Are you someone who worries too often?
Yeah. I think a lot.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I like to think so, but I doubt it.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
TIl after 2 because I went to a movie with the girls.
What color is your hair?
Brown, I guess.
Have any tattoo/piercing?
I only have my ears pierced now.
Do you think your first love effects the way you go on with life?
Yeah. For sure. You can't help but to not trust love once your first love goes wrong. And then it takes so long to get over that while you're trying to get over it, you fear you'll never get over them and it makes it hard to want to try and love again. And then you learn that you can love again, it's just different. Not less than, just different. And sometimes even better.
Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
What I would GIVE to do that.
Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
I can name two right off. I'm sure there are others. I don't blame one of those.
Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Yes, yes, yes.
Do you have your eye on anyone?
Yess, but I'm beginning to think it's done...
What was the last thing you drank?
Well, I am eating a grapefruit right now...and there's juice in it...
Has anyone disappointed you lately?
Yes.
Are you wasting your time on someone?
I hope I wasn't, and I hope I'm not.
What shoes did you wear today?
Brown boots.
Are you getting close to anyone?
Closer. AB and I have become veddy good friends.
*IN 2009:*
Where did you begin 2009?
At Moses' house.
What are you mostly looking forward to?
I'm looking forward to turning over a new leaf. Starting over. Letting go of my bad behavior. Growing up. Working hard to prepare to travel.
Do you think you will change?
Yes. And for the better.
Will you be changing your hair color?
Yeah, I'm currently in the process of lightening my hair back to it's natural level. I can't wait for it to grow long and be brown.
Will you change your hair style?
Yes, considering I am growing it out.
Will you get contacts?
Nope. Just glasses.
Will you forgive someone who your holding a grudge against?
Yeah, a couple of people. It's going to take a lot of prayer, and God's grace will enable me to forgive.
What will your new years resolution be?
It is to find control... I need to learn to control my drinking and not allow myself to continue to let it control me. I've made enough bad decisions for my lifetime that it's time to rid it of my life. It's going to only keep me from God, and where I need to be.
Do you think you drink to much?
When I do drink, I do.
Do you want to gain friends?
I guess. But I'm not so worried about making new friends, just becoming tighter with the ones I've been blessed with.
Do you plan on getting engaged or married next year?
No.
Will you go on any camps?
Yes, if I can get my life together by August. I'd love to be a counselor at this Christian camp Bon and I used to go to.
Are you thinking of doing any new sports?
Nay.
Are you planning on finally getting someone you've been waiting for?
That'd be nice.
Are you excited for your birthday?
Yes!
How old will you be turning?
I'll be 21!
Will you have lots of parties?
I doubt it... I intend to spend this year working hard so I can play even harder.
Will you go to lots of parties?
I'm doubting it. I'm turning a new leaf, remember? It's time to lose the Party Girl image.
Are you going to be moving next year?
I'm trying to move by the end of this month or next.
Will you have a job?
Duh. I have an important job interview tomorrow, actually.
Will you still have the same girlfriend/boyfriend?
I have no boyfriend.
Are you excited for next year?
Yes. I've set so many goals! Plus, I've decided to remain enrolled in COD, and that's pretty cool.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Two/too.
I've lost hope for two different people, under two very different circumstances.
I have too many memories (some new, and some old) to forget with those two people, because there's no point in holding on if they both want to do different things. Maybe it's not a big deal. Maybe my memory holds too much. Maybe I care too much. And maybe it's too soon to care this much.
It's two things to be reeeally sad about.
But two things to not dwell on.
But it's far too hard to just say good-bye. So I'm going to keep trying with these two people.
I have too many memories (some new, and some old) to forget with those two people, because there's no point in holding on if they both want to do different things. Maybe it's not a big deal. Maybe my memory holds too much. Maybe I care too much. And maybe it's too soon to care this much.
It's two things to be reeeally sad about.
But two things to not dwell on.
But it's far too hard to just say good-bye. So I'm going to keep trying with these two people.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I...
...am easily annoyed, I'm needy, I pass a lot of judgement, I'm not good at math, I don't have patience to learn, I can't play an instrument, I have to have my way, I am restless until I can't my way which can be annoying and immature, I talk too much, I rarely sleep, I have a messy room, I think I'm prettier than a lot of people and always talk about how pretty I am, I hate having people be the boss of me, I can't be tamed, I'm closed minded in some cases, I think too much, I analyze everything and analyze it all too much, I pester til someone understands why I'm so over analytical, I get attached to people and things far too easily, I save too much because I'm so stupidly sentimental, I worry a lot, I get reeeally jealous over STUPID things, I'm a Myspace lurker, I have too much time on my hands, and I'm so hyper I can hardly sit and watch a movie.
But...
I have a lot of patience and understanding for people, I know what it is to love unconditionally, I'm ridiculously wise, I'm pretty intelligent, I'm good at processing feelings, I'm good at processing other people's feelings, I'm good at reading people and reading their mannerisms, I'm so good at reading people that I can make an assumption that they have an eating disorder or been molested and be right, I can connect to anyone who sits and talks to me, I have a big heart, I use how pretty I am to charm people, I am willing to respect, I am willing to be the wife who submits to her husband as long as he respects me, I am always convicted because of all of my morals, I'll never let anyone think I didn't care about them because I fight for them to stay if they try to walk away, I remember important details, I remember cute things, I try to make people feel special, I like to get things done, I am goal oriented, I dress well, I take the time to look nice so I feel nice and treat people kindly, I'm good with meeting new people, I never need to be baby-sat since I am so comfortable with myself that I can go out there and talk to strangers.
I'm really flawed. But I have so much that counts.
But...
I have a lot of patience and understanding for people, I know what it is to love unconditionally, I'm ridiculously wise, I'm pretty intelligent, I'm good at processing feelings, I'm good at processing other people's feelings, I'm good at reading people and reading their mannerisms, I'm so good at reading people that I can make an assumption that they have an eating disorder or been molested and be right, I can connect to anyone who sits and talks to me, I have a big heart, I use how pretty I am to charm people, I am willing to respect, I am willing to be the wife who submits to her husband as long as he respects me, I am always convicted because of all of my morals, I'll never let anyone think I didn't care about them because I fight for them to stay if they try to walk away, I remember important details, I remember cute things, I try to make people feel special, I like to get things done, I am goal oriented, I dress well, I take the time to look nice so I feel nice and treat people kindly, I'm good with meeting new people, I never need to be baby-sat since I am so comfortable with myself that I can go out there and talk to strangers.
I'm really flawed. But I have so much that counts.
I never
saw myself as the one who needed to change. I never saw that I'd be the person to push people away because of bad habits.
It hurts to know.
But I am grateful that I know so much about myself that it's not hard to change. I am in fact more fun sober... I can actually speak normal sentences, rather than slur obscenities. I can actually pay attention to what people are saying. I can actually walk. Maybe the more sober controlled life is THE life. I hated the brought on hell, I really did. I just didn't see that there was a reason to walk out.
It hurts to know.
But I am grateful that I know so much about myself that it's not hard to change. I am in fact more fun sober... I can actually speak normal sentences, rather than slur obscenities. I can actually pay attention to what people are saying. I can actually walk. Maybe the more sober controlled life is THE life. I hated the brought on hell, I really did. I just didn't see that there was a reason to walk out.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
"There's blood in my mouth
cause I've been bitin my tongue all week...
...the talkin leads to touching
and the touching leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left...
...I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but bein around you offers me another form of relief
...it's just bad news bad news bad news...
...I don't care I like you, I like you..."
...the talkin leads to touching
and the touching leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left...
...I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but bein around you offers me another form of relief
...it's just bad news bad news bad news...
...I don't care I like you, I like you..."
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I tried to do handstands for you...
...I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
Thursday, January 1, 2009
"When men attempt
bold gestures, it's generally considered romantic. When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psycho. I was hoping to prove I was neither." -Carrie, Season 4, Episode 6
I fucked up again.
Not a good way to start my New Year.
I was the drunk joke again, and he was being a jerk.
I don't know what happened. My last memory was kissing Giovanni at midnight. Then I wake up around 4 am shivering, and I'm in my fucking car. I had the comforter on, but it was still cold. I check my phone and am beyond confused as to where I was or how I even got there, and had no idea where my keys were.
How the fuck do I get that drunk all the time? It's not like once in a while. It's every time I drink... I get so loaded I don't know how to walk or speak like a normal human being.
Then I start calling people to find out if they had my keys. He scolded me and made me feel even worse about myself, though I can't blame him considering he's the person I torment when I drink.
Bonnie and Damian ended up picking me up around 4:45. She always comes to the rescue. To top it off, we close up my car with the LIGHT on. I start crying more cause I figured my battery was gonna die. They calmed me down, and I started spilling all the awful things about the night, and my drinking problem.
I don't think I am an alcoholic by any means since I don't drink everyday, or need to drink everyday, and I never crave it, it's that I have noo control over it, or of myself once I have it.
I thought it was funny that I got so drunk, and now as I am getting older and growing up, I see how annoying it is, and what an awful bitch I become. I have this awful split personality when it comes to drinking.
With that, my New Year's Resolution is to find CONTROL.
I was the drunk joke again, and he was being a jerk.
I don't know what happened. My last memory was kissing Giovanni at midnight. Then I wake up around 4 am shivering, and I'm in my fucking car. I had the comforter on, but it was still cold. I check my phone and am beyond confused as to where I was or how I even got there, and had no idea where my keys were.
How the fuck do I get that drunk all the time? It's not like once in a while. It's every time I drink... I get so loaded I don't know how to walk or speak like a normal human being.
Then I start calling people to find out if they had my keys. He scolded me and made me feel even worse about myself, though I can't blame him considering he's the person I torment when I drink.
Bonnie and Damian ended up picking me up around 4:45. She always comes to the rescue. To top it off, we close up my car with the LIGHT on. I start crying more cause I figured my battery was gonna die. They calmed me down, and I started spilling all the awful things about the night, and my drinking problem.
I don't think I am an alcoholic by any means since I don't drink everyday, or need to drink everyday, and I never crave it, it's that I have noo control over it, or of myself once I have it.
I thought it was funny that I got so drunk, and now as I am getting older and growing up, I see how annoying it is, and what an awful bitch I become. I have this awful split personality when it comes to drinking.
With that, my New Year's Resolution is to find CONTROL.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
