Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday

Thursday
-All I remember is that I worked. I do believe that was the night Liz, Carlos, and I went to The Yardhouse, and then we went to The UN house.

Friday
- Worked.
-Went to Liz's twice. I picked Carlos and Liz up and we went to Ignition. We scored on parking, which was tiight, but had to pay to get in. I hate Moussa's sons. Moussa touched my ass by the way, and it made me really uncomfortable. We went to J. Dee's Landing for a bit. I breathed heavily on Matthew's neck and thought I was hilarious, and apparently I freeeaked him. Haha. Andy was being a fucker, so I started the ANDY SUCKS chant, and EVERYONE joined in on it. It was amazing. I was over the shitty night so I randomly went to go sleep in my car. I woke up and Liz and I went to Jack-in-the-Box so we could feel that much better about ourselves. I made some new friends.
-Liz, Carlos, Linda, and I drove to The UN house listening to Selena, Fiona Apple, and The Vapors.
-Hung out at the house for a few minutes, and then needed to go home.

Saturday
-Woke up and hung around the house with the family.
-Went to the mall to spoil myself.
-Liz met me there, and then we went to DSW and bought some shoes, and then had lunch.
-Went to my cousin Zabian's 2nd Birthday Party. Cute effin kid, man. I saw an old crush of my there because it's oddly my cousin's uncle... Small world.
-Met Liz, Andy, Matthew, and Johnny at The River. Matthew and I had a huge, long, serious debate on whether eyebrows make or break a girl's hottness, and they do. He begs to differ. But just so you know, it's more than the actual eyebrow. I won the debate.
-Went to The Redbarn for The UN show... I MEAN SOL DISTRICT. They were good and funny. Liz and I ran around there as we usually do at places, but I was over that night too, so I went home.

Sunday
-Went to the mall with my mom, my sisters, and my nephew.
-Went home and learned Ode to Joy with my dad.
-Lounged it with my sisters, and then got ready for church.
-Went to The River and met Liz, Johnny, and Andy. It was hot and boring.
-Went to The UN hourse and had a good time for the most part. We dance partied it and deep talked it. I almost got fucking raped, and that ruined my night. Stupid fucker Johnny and Albert. Seriously. Fuck you guys. That wasn't ok. But Victor in a MooMoo made my night. No, my YEAR!

Monday
-Went to pick up Lola early so I could watch her do gymnastics for a bit. I feel like I need to help fill a void in her life.
-Went back to the house and just hung out until we had to pick up Merlot.
-Picked up Merlot, and went back to the house so Lola could get tutored.
-We drew and colored and then my sister and my nephew came over cause they wanted to play with him.
-Went to dinner with Nicholas and Desiree. He spilled my water everywhere. He's cute.
-Came back to the house and pestered my parents and hung out with the sisters and nephew, and decided to catch up on rest.

Sleep

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room
you can go you can stay
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so I'm reaching out for the one
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching through my own light as it tints the shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
nobody's lost
but nobody wins

And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so I'm reaching out for the one
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it tints the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you

Tuesday and Wednesday

Tuesday
-Picked up Lolita from gymnastics and took her and her friend to art. Picked up Merlot from school, and went to Cery's office.
-Went to Liz's while I waited for Lola to get out of duties.
-Picked Lola and her friend up and went back to the house.
-Went to Liz's house and pre-gamed our asses.
-Went to Carlos' and cut his hair, and then we swam in his clothes. Ahah. We talked about how we can get plastic surgery and other random stuff. Oh, and why we should sleep with OLD men. Haha. Hung out in his room and got ready to go to The UN's house. And at one point, Liz and I peed in the daaark. Haha, wtf?
-Talked to Enrique as he was driving away to Sacramento and cried my eyes out, and lost my desire to party.
-Went to The UN house for like 20/30 minutes, and decided I wanted to be with my mom, my dad, and my sister.
-Went home and visited with them.
-Slept!

Wednesday
-Picked up Lolita from gymnastics, brought her home, went to pick up Merlot, had the tutor come over, and then we hung out watching movies and stuff. Laaazy day!
-Went to Liz's. We made ourselves scene and talked and ate all fat. Then we watched About Schmidt, but I decided I wanted to go home and workout cause I felt GROSS.
-Came home.

My life sounds so uneventful...

Sunday and Monday

Sunday
-Woke up cause Liz's stupid breathing. Just kidding. That wasn't it. But we woke up and laughed about the night and we watched some tv, and then I made her lunch. And then that bitch left. What a user. Just kidding.
-Did some chores.
-Watched A LOT of Sex and The City.
-Got ready to go to Cery's, went, and entertained the girls for a few hours. Their bedtime is thankfully 10. After I put them to bed, I watched MORE Sex and The City and went for a late night swim. It was divine. I freestyled it, breaststroked it, butterflied it, and tread the water. Good work-out.
-I tried going to sleep, but that house is so damn big it's scary! I kept hearing noises on the other end, but I was paralyzed by fear. Oy. I eventually got over it.


Monday
-Woke up far too early to get Merlot ready for school and Lolita ready for gymnastics.
-Got them to their destinations and went hooome for a few hours to finish my chores and change my clothes.
-Picked up Lola and her friend and took them back to the house and let them swim until we had to go pick up Merlot.
-Picked up Merlot and took Lola to her tutoring.
-Made lunch for Merlot, and chatted with her. She knows too much.
-Picked up Lola, and we went back to the house and swam. I should mention that I feel too much like a mom, and am certainly not ready.
-I got to tan for a bit, but having yelling girls doesn't make it easy.
-Fed them dinner, and entertained them some more. We colored, and we drew until their bedtime.
-Put them to bed, and then I went to bed. At some point, I looked out the window to the other end of the house and saw Cery was home and so I went home. I was very homesick. Something about sleeping at other people's houses saddens me. I've never rushed home like I did last night.
-Crawled into bed with Tess and cuddled with her and puppy, Tiffany.

Friday and Saturday

Friday
-Woke up far too early, and went to "work". It's a pretty chill job, though. I curled Lolita's hair, and then we took the golfcart out. We cruised down El Paseo, and stopped at BCBG. Then we went to Petsmart to get their cats new collars. Went back home and made them lunch. Then we went to the mall for Merlot. She's boy crazy. We took pictures there for Lolita. She's precious. She thought it'd be a good gift for her dad. We went back to the house and went swimming for a bit. I was outside far tooo much, and got a meeean heat headache.
-Went home and did Tess' make-up for her ballet recital. Went to her ballet recital, and I loved it. Nothing is cuter than a bunch of 4 year old little girls in pink trying to tap dance. Seriously. They make me KNOW I want a baby girl. Eep!
-I met Lez, Carlitos, y Andres at Food 4 Less and picked up some vino. We then picked up Wilber, and went to Matt Claiborne's house. He and I reminisced about when I lived in Regency Park and remembering him when I was little. It was TOTALLY fun. AB went too, and that was coool. Liz and I sat and took Myspace pictures-- IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, all gay. And we deep talked and talked to everyone. Haha. And then Victor was telling me a sad story, and I almost cried, but then I decided to cheer up. He was funnyyy. He has his chest hair showing and was wearing a melon colored blazer. Bad assss. Anyway, then The UN played and then we Prommed it up. Liz and Wilber were dancing, and Carlos and I danced. It was fun! We danced, and danced, and got drenched in sweat, and looked REALLY cute. Siiike.
-Went hooome.

Saturday
-Woke up from a thousand missed calls from Andy, and had to go pick him up from Matt's house.
-Went home, and momma made breakfast. Then I did my mom's hair, and got myself ready. We went to the movies and saw Get Smart. It was REALLY funny. Then we went to Kobe and had dinner. Oh my gosh, I looooove it there. I could marry it. And because my parent's and some of their best customers (Barbara and Tino: Table 5, 9 and 10). they gave me plum wine without me ordering, and DIDN'T card me. Amazing!
-Went home and got ready for Danny's birthday party.
-Liz picked me up, and we went to Stater Bros to get pre-gaming goods. We went to Danny's sister's house and sat in the car and talked and blah blah blah. Found out some deep saaad shit. Blahhh. And admitted some thiings. We then went inside, and saw Oscar, Janelle, Jesus, Danny, Yvette, Ian, Chris, Erik, Guillermo, Andres, Manuel, Chris, Marissa, and Devibitch, oh, and James! I got in like everyone's pictures, and had funnn. I also pretended to date everyone. I'm so cute. And I gave some lap dances, haha. Ian and I deep talked it. I almost fell into a bedroom. And then Ian had to pee, and I invited Erik and I in and we sat in the shower while Ian peed cause he was stage frieght. Haha, I get all rude. Then 2 rolled around, and we had to go. Liz and I went to Circle K to get food, and then hung out in the park with Andy. Andy made us get into weird positions, and then I said NO. Then Andy hurt my earlobe, and we had a wrestle match. I got covered in mud, and he won. Fucker is REALLY strong. Haha, I had NO idea. I thought I'd be able to get out of his holds, but noooope. I hate how strong boys are sometimes. I took my clothes off, and put on a sweater, and we went home at 3, and my mom got a littttle mad. But I at least was honest and told her I drank, and I was sorry for getting home late. Liz and I looked at SCENE Myspaces. How annoying. And then randomly passed out. Don't know how, or when.

GOOD WEEKEND.

Thursday

-Was woken up at 8:30 and told that I need to go to Santa Monica to pick up Merlot and Lola... I was confused because I don't drive on the freeway, but was then told that a driver would be taking me. So, I go to Cery's office and am thinking that I'm just going to be driven in a car, but no, it was a limo. I had a whooole limo to myself allll the way to Santa Monica. I was living the life... Getting paid to wath The 40 Year-Old Virgin in a big limo feeling some gooood weather. I was in heaven. We got the girls, and went back to the house. I played with the girls for a bit until Cery got home.
-Went to Bonnie's, and talked with her parents and had dinner.
-Went home, and talked with my mom.
-Got ready.
-Went to CVS Pharmacy to get mascara. RIP OFF! $10 for cheap mascara.
-Met Oscar at After Hours for his tattoo touch-up. I hung out with him and Guillermo there for a bit. They're funnnyyyyy. I miss hanging out with them.
-Came home. I'm tired!

Eyes

When I was 16, I came to find that I was a sucker for eyes, and to this day, I still am. I’m in love with eyes. I fall hardest when their eyes are what I’m infatuated with. And I figured out what it is about the eyes, and what eyes I’m meaning.

You see, I’m not talking about some blue eyes with long lashes. Yes, those are nice, but I’m talking about eyes that are full of intensity. Eyes that just draw you in because they’re so deep and dark that you can’t figure them out. Eyes that are so numb and cold that you can’t figure out that person’s emotions.

I’m so good at figuring people out that I guess I like the challenge of not being able to read that person. Yes, it’s frustrating as hell, but I can’t stand when someone’s eyes give it all away, and there’s nothing left to figure out about them at first glance. It’s like their eyes make them far too predictable and far too flirty, or something like that.

I love when you look into intense eyes and you’re almost scared of what they’re thinking because you can’t figure it out. There’s excitement there in that mystery. It’s just scary because you don’t know if maybe they’re thinking negative things because they are just that unreadable.

But then it’s like you feel haunted by the eyes because you can never move on because you were never able to find that closure in their eyes. It’s like when someone has readable eyes, you can see the way they look at you change… So it’s like you can see how the flame burned out, and you could see it coming. But when they’re unpredictable, you drown in that mystery that lies in them and can never be sure of when the look died out, or if it ever really did. And you remain stuck in the whys and ifs.

I guess what it comes down to is what’s meant to be will be, because I have no control over all that had happened, and has happened, because ultimately, fate will take it’s own coarse, so racking my brain on analyzing deep eyes is all POINTLESS.

And by the way, Zach Braff has those eyes. I think that's part of the reason why my heart breaaaks everytime I watch The Last Kiss.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

Monday
-Woke up, took a shower, and decided to have a date with myself. I went down to the pool and covered my body in baby oil, and fell asleep there. I love the feeling of my skin being cooked... All sick. Haha. There were a few European men and I took comfort in their conversation. They were very loud, but hearing them put me to sleep. Like I was in a long, lost, missed dream, considering my heart was left in Europe. I woke up, and took a little walk around the island and the resort. I sat in a Gazebo and looked out at the San Diego Bay, after contemplating climbing down the rocks to get into the bay. I go their every year, a few times a year infact, and never get tired of it. It's so beautiful. I went the room, had lunch, and then went back to the pool. Nicholas swam for the first time. HE LOVED IT. He fell asleep in the pool twice. I laid out some more, and covered my body in oil more, and got a meeeean sunburn. How embarrassing. I felt like a lame tourist who didn't know their sun limit.
-I went back to the room, and oddly can't remember what I did after that, and for the rest of the evening. I know my mom and I had word search races.

Tuesday
-Woke up and got room service... It was my mom's birthday breakfast.
-Got ready to get the day started. My parents and Tess went to go look at boats cause they want to buy one for the island. Chris, Desiree, and I went to the mall. When we were leaving the mall, my brother pretended to get lost in the parking lot because he had a surprise for us. I was SO annoyed because he kept making circles around the mall, and I thought he was SO retarded. Anyway, we turn a corner, and out jumps my SISTER, Valerie (my brother's ex-girlfriend of FOREVER). I'd gone 9 months without seeing her! And I missed her so much. It was the best surprised. So we got out of the car to hug her, and she joined us because she actually was a surprise for my Mom. Not for Desiree and I. We caught up for a bit and met my parents at this restaurant. My mom saw her and you could see this look of SHOCK and excitment on her face because Val had lied to us and said she had to work and couldn't make it. Anyway, we were just so stocked on seeing her.
-We all went back to the room, and then my brother and Val had to go. =[ We said our good-byes, and then got ready to go down to the pool. We went for a late night swim and it was fabulous. Nicholas fell asleep in the water again, and I held him while talking politics with my dad. Fuck Obama, by the way. And fuck all you peace activists. Anywho, I love holding Nicholas when he is asleep cause he's so difficult now.
-We went back to the room and had more word search races.

Wednesday
-Woke up, packed up, and said our good-byes to the hotel until August. We had lunch and made the drive back home.
-I watched the news for a bit, and then went to pick up Liz. We were supposed to play tennis, but the courts were all fullll again, so we went to The River. We looked extra sexy in our work-out outfits. Luckily, I only ran into two people I know. We saw that Zohan movie. It was pretty funny and random, but the story was kinda lame. Like the plot... And it kind of felt like it was a bid at peace. Blah. Eutopia will never be achieved and I'm tired of people looking for it. Peace can only be found within yourself, and people need to accept that.
-Took Liz and myself home.

Saturday/Sunday

Saturday
-Went to my friend Brittany's house to do a consultation.
-Went to Cosmoprof to get product to weave Brittany's hair.
-Bonnie met me there, and then we went to the mall to pick up my Father's Day present, and my mom's birthday present. I don't think I could have seen more people that day. I even saw AMBER! She's due in 3 weeks, and I couldn't be more excited. I love babies.
-Picked Brittany up to go back to Bonnie's to do her hair. We talked and what not. Bonnie is funny.
-Took Brittany home, and I went home, and knooocked out. Woke up in one of those lonely modes. I kinda packed for Coronado.

Sunday
-Went to breakfast with my parents, Tess, and my brother.
-Went home to do the Father's Day presents. It was great. My mom bought my dad this new, beautiful laptop, and he cried! He's had the same laptop for like 5 or 6 years, and it fucking sucks, and he was so thankful. Like here he works hard and buys everyone everything and never gets what he wants. You know? Like he bought me my laptop before buying himself one. I was SO happy for him. And it was just a great moment...watching him and my mom embrace eachother in tears.
-Got in the car and drove here to Coronado.
-Lounged in the room.
-Went to the pool.
-Had word search races with my mom, and painted.
-Went to bed.

Chill nights, I guess.

Our Hell

Sometimes I feel like Emily Haines here.

"We're moderate, we modernize, til our hell is a good life."

And you know what? Our hell is never a good life. We're always so unfuckinghappy. It's hell, and we're always trying to make it good.

"There's a pattern in the system, there's a bullet in the gun. That's why I tried to save you, but it can't be done."

All I can do when I hear that is put my face in my hands and cry because there it is...

Friday

-Went to work. Had far too deep of a talk with a client. I almost hate when the kind of corner you into that shit. Sometimes I don't want to make myself vulnerable to people.
-Went to Liz's to get ready.
-We girl talked it and then went to pick up Carlitos.
-Liz drove to Ignition, and Carlos and I car partied... And I accidently called Wilber and Andy "Albert". I thought it was hilarious. Andy didn't.
-We parked it, and we Debbie Downed it far too much. Liz and I cried. Carlos didn't. But it was a good...girl? talk...plus Carlos.
-Decided to go to Ignition, but instead of waiting to pee, Liz and I did it on the side of the road, haha. And a car drove by.
-Got into Ignition for free cause the owner has a big crush on me. We wanted to kill ourselves though... It was like a bunch of high school kids... We met up with (or just saw?) Aileen, Linda, Val, and Gio. And then Liz, Carlos, Tom, Andres, Austin, and I went to J.Dee's Landing. Girls were pissing Liz off so I wanted to start something with them... Haha. I love how cool I think I am and confident I get. It's like whaaat the? Liz and I made friends with some random guys and did the, "YOU'RE SO FUNNY.", cause we get faaar too entertained. We went back outside and I think everyone formed their own groups, or something. I don't know, really. I know that Manuel, Ruben, Bolin, and Abe joined us though. Tom and I laid on the ground romantically and life talked it. Went back to Ignition...I think...or just sat outside. Carlos and I had a biting match, and then a wrestling match on the side of the strip. What the fuck? We did some mean biting. On our way back to the car, Carlos did something that made me fall really hard. Haha, so he carried my shoes and my purse.
-We went to Jack In The Box. We made Carlos ORDER and PAY. Haha. And get 100 condiments for a small order, haha. Liz somehow got buffalo sauce all over her window, and it was reeeally funny. And then Carlos got out of the car and was talking to some bum, and Liz and I sat there and talked and then it dawned on us that it was wrong. Haha, like, we didn't try saving him from the bum.
-Went hoooome.

Thursday

-Woke up in a panic to get ready for work, and didn't end up working...AGAIN!
-Cleaned the kitchen.
-Watched 2 episodes of Sex and The City.
-Laid out to get a tan.
-Played outside with the dogs.
-Vacuumed the house.
-Got ready for Indio's Graduation. It was pretty cool. I love seeing old familiar faces. And I saw my cousin, Elisa. I hadn't seen her since my Grandfather passed away...and that was September 18, 2005. So it had been a lonnng time... I mocked all the wetty names, and I saw Janelle, and held Baby Lowan.
-Went to my Tia Joann's house afterwards and hung out with my cousins and my tias and tios and my grandma. It's weird doing that. I've let family leave bad taste in my mouth, and forgot that it can be enjoyable.
-Now I'm in bed and my wisdom teeth are growing in and my mouth is killing me.. I feel my teeth shifting and am SCARED out of my mind. I've never had braces, and am not going to get them. I don't have insurance til September, and so I'm gonna have to go to Mexicali. =[

Cause Girls Don't Cry...??

"I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that it's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes...

...I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I THOUGHT THAT YOU NEEDED ME MORE, MORE, MORE...

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes..."

Wednesday

-Woke up to get ready for work, but didn't end up working. I have $0 to my name. =[ I'm under financial stress to the max. I have no one other than God to thank for my parents supporting me. And I have no one other than God to thank for such a great father. He's the only one who works and works SO hard that he's able to support my family. Like, sometimes I get floooored that HE does this for me, my mom, my sister... Like I look at all that I have and I have EVERYTHING I need and EVERYTHING my heart has desired and HE worked for it to give it to me. The least I could do is make him proud by educating myself. I swear one of my top two goals in life is to PAY for his way to Europe... To Normandy to be exact. It just blows my mind that I don't have $5 for gas, yet he's able to pay for all the cars, the house, groceries... Everything. I love my dad. He's what a MAN is. Whoever I date has a lot to live up to.
-Cleaned the house for my mom, and watched Knocked Up.
-Picked up Bonnie and we went to Target and then to my brother's apartment complex to go swimming and tanning. It was an excellent visit. Sometimes I think we have the same brain. Our thoughts just connect and bounce off from one another. We talked about God and politics and psychology.
-Took Bonnie home so she could take her brother to work, and I went home.
-Washed my car.
-Got ready to go to Neil's for Danny's birthday.
-Oscar picked me up, and we went to Neil's. Then Danny and Yvette met us, and later on, Bolin and Andy met us. It was SO fun. Yvette and I talked about God, babies, and LOVE. My favorite topics! And Danny asked Oscar to be his best man, and we all almost cried. I was so grateful to get to be there for that. Seriously. It was like a wedding proposal. Hah. And then my friend's brother was there and we sat at the bar and talked and he bought me a drink.
-Oscar took me home and we sat in the car and talked about love and politics. Haha. I'm like a politician now. I love Oscar! He's my best friend.

Cherry Waves

In a sea of waves
We hug the same plank
Just as I had rehearsed it over in my brain


If the waves suck you in, and you drown

If like you should sink down beneath
I'll swim down. Would you? Would You?

You hang anchors over my neck
I liked it at first
But the more you laughed, the crazier I came

And the waves suck you in, and you drown

If like you should sink down beneath
I'll swim way swim down. Would you?

Is that what you want?
You...
Well that's what you've got

Wave...after...wave...

If like you should sink down beneath, I'll swim down,
Would you?

Is that what you want?
With you
Is this what you want?
With you, you

Escape...below...

I don't care about tomorrow...

or anything else. I just care that you're here now.

Knocked Up

"I wish I liked anything as much as kids like bubbles."

Tuesday

-Woke up at 6 to be into work by 9. I got there at 9 just to find 4 cancellations. So irritating because it's a long and expensive drive. Like, I put $10 of gas in the night before, and was out by the time I was home from work. And I am so broke. I hate spending that much on gas.
-Went home, cleaned my bathroom, filled out an application for COD.
-Went back to work, and worked.
-Went to my brother's apartment to visit with him, my mom, and sister.
-Went home and colored and blow-dried my mom's hair.
-Met Andres, Liz, and Cory at Neil's. I almost got raped and murdered. K, I'm being dramatic. A guy was just creepy and was yelling at me to talk to me. Liz and I also tried stopping a bathroom brawl between some gentlemen with too much PRIDE. I decided to talk to them in Spanish and tell them that we were cousins cause we were all Mexican. And then I told them, "Yo tengo un pito de grande. Quieres mi pito en tu boca?" And then ran away laughing.
-Andy and I went to Wal-Mart. I tried getting him to talk about his feelings, cause I talk about mine, and like when people talk about them.
-Took him home, and then took myself home.

Monday

-I woke up way too late. I normally don't sleep any later than 8:30, and I woke up at 11. It was weird. I didn't know where my day went!
-I pretty much spent a lot of my day taking care of my momma. She was sick in bed.
-I polished Tess' nails, as well as my own. Momma bought us some new pretty gold nailpolish. Bitchin'.
-I did a haircut.
-I went to Bible study. It was pretty cool. I hadn't gone in a very long time. The girls are sweet, and I need to be there for Ashley more. She's in a great place. I wanna be in that place.
-I put gas in my car and felt nauseos. The prices are ridiculous. Every damn day they go up.
-I met Matthew, Carlos, and Liz for a nice game of tennis. I love playing tennis with them. It's the best. And they were extra funny. Carlos "taught" me how to hold my racket... It was reeeeally sexxxy. And then we spent about 45 minutes in the parking lot after. Matthew was going through my trunk and causing trouble. And then he put my old PE shorts on and looked like a perverted PE teacher... And even put his crotch in my face and talked about my PE grade. Hahaha. He's so funny. And then Carlos put the shorts on and swung his junk. And then we all played with this cuuute puppy. And laughed some more.
-Went to Carlos' and sat and chit chatted some more and drank some wataaa. It was a nice, sober night. And it's always nice reminiscing.

P.S. SORRY YOU WEREN'T IN IT, ANDY.

Once, I wanted to be the greatest...

"...no wind or waterfall could stall me, then came the rush of the flood."

"...with brains that could explain any feeling."

I'm in a battle with myself. I hate not being able to be a compatible puzzle piece with everyone I want to be with. I know I can only be me, but sometimes I look at friends, or loves, and wonder why we can't just fit perfectly with one another. I sometimes wish we could have thoughts and feelings and opinions that just go together... Like my ideals and their ideals go hand in hand making it so we couldn't live without one another...

But the truth of the matter is, there's no one I CAN'T live without, and they surely could live without me as well. I guess I just want to know that I COULDN'T be lived without. You know? The way my family looks at me...

Or the way my mother thinks of me.

When I was 16, I was really sick. Not physically, but mentally, and it took it's toll on me physically. I was really sad and insecure and unhappy. Every morning she woke up in fear, and everytime she'd hear me move around in my room, she thanked God that I was alive and that she could go on. She loved me so much that my sickness scared her that much. Or when we'd fight, she'd be anxious to hear me wake in the morning because she was so scared I was going to end it, and if I ended it, I'd end it for her. My family loved me that much that they were almost paralyzed with fear of me leaving them.

Why can't people ever feel that for me? You know? Are we all that opposite from eachother?

I guess I'll have to keep going on in my days living for myself, because I can't happily change for people. I can change for them to fit their mold, but it wouldn't be real. And I'd be unhappy again...

I just have to accept the fact that I'm not the best at everything for everyone. Only for me...

Saturday and Sunday

-Woke up all early, got an iced soy chai, and went over to Dahra's house to cut her hair and style it for a wedding.
-Got home and did Tess' make-up for her ballet pictures. She looked beautiful.
-Took a little nap.
-Got ready and went to Liz's.
-Took Liz to dinner at The Olive Garden. We had some GOOD margaritas, and didn't get carded. Suhweet.
-Took Liz to the mall so she could get her birthday outfit.
-Picked up Johnny and almost got shot by a swat team. I'm being a bit dramatic, but it was SCARY. Them and their bulletproof vests.
-Went to Albertson's to get our pre-gaming goods.
-Party proofed the house.
-Pre-gamed it.
-Partied. It was so nice seeing everyone together again. Carlos and I had a great talk about how good looking we are and how we could tell Liz and Andy were flirting. We even used the stolen booklet things from Napa's to write our notes with. Liz and I jumped in her pool fully clothed at one point. BOMB. We also played with Billy Monster. And I cut Shadow's hair. Haha. What the... I should mention I saw Oscar, Keisha, Ian, Chris, Jesus, and AB and I was so hyped on that! I missssed them. Allll needy. Liz got way hammered. She passed out. I kicked muhfuhs out of the house, and cleaned up, and went home.
Pretty successful night...but I didn't see Janelle!!

Sunday
-Got ready to hang out with my mom. I wore a a white shirt I bought yesterday today. I gotta say, I look ravishing in white. Anyway, we went to lunch, and then we went to Cosmoprof, and to the mall. I love Cosmoprof. Sometimes it makes me excited about hair. I got a new lipstick at MAC. I love MAC and miss the days of spoiling myself with it.
-Came home and took a power nap. Last night was a lonnggg night.
-Met Ashley for some tea. We had a good talk.
-Went to church. I really enjoy church, but for some reason, I sometimes get depressed. I don't know what it is. Sometimes I think when I read the Bible on my OWN and live as a Christian on my OWN I am happier than in a group. I don't know. It's hard, and weird. But church does inspire me to read my Bible which I need to do.
-Drove around for a bit and went to the bank an then came home. Blahhh. I'm thinking of going to rent Sex and The City.

Intuition

What gives what helps the intuition?
I know, I'll know
I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although, although...

They can lead you
Break or defeat you

A destination known
Only by the one
Who's fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home in half
A love is not complete with only heat

And they can tease you
Break or complete you

And it came a heatwave
A merciful save
You choose, you chose
Poetry over prose
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed at all
And how you might have changed it all for him

Did I, did I...

Miss out on you

Friday

-Wasted most of my day getting ready. I did sit and talk with my mom for a bit though.
-Went to Bonnie's house to weave her brother's girlfriend's hair. It came out hottt. And then I cut Megan's sister's hair.
-Picked up Liz and went to The River.
-Met Carlos and Andres Candalario Juarez and went to Long's. We spent a year picking out water and chasers, looked at magazines, looked at Orajel, and sat in lawn chairs.
-Went back to The River and sat around waiting to get into The Yardhouse. Liz turned 21 at midnight so we needed to be patient. I was the first to say Happy Birthday and hug her, by the way. SO, she was able to get in The Yardhouse, buttt wasn't able to drink because you have to wait 24-hours there. Dumb rule.
-Decided to go to Napa's on El Paseo. It was pretty fun. Andy and Carlitos drank brewskis, she had some margaritas, and a shot, and I just sipped on everyone's cause I had to drive.
-Jess and girlfriend met us there, and then so did Matthew.
-Took Liz's drunk ass home.

It was a good night.

A BIG

FUCK YOU to whoever wants to chime in and out of my life.
It isn't worth it. You either want to be in it, or you don't.

And if you have the slightest feeling that you don't, then you're not welcome to know me.

I don't want selfish people who want to have my life in theirs at their convenience.

Thursday

-Woke up and played with Nicholas before he went back home. My life feels like it's put on hold when he leaves. I guess seeing him grow and change enables me to watch the days go by... Like I can really feel it, and accept it. It's weird. I stop letting the days blur and combine, and all that.
-Went to work, and slaved me ass away. Nah, not really. Very busy day. One of those color, shampoo, color, shampoo, colorrrr, and breathe if I get a chance. Good day though.
-Thought about going to the mall or to Target, but decided to go home.
-Picked Tess up from her friend's house and took her on a dinner date. She loves me, and I need to be there for her more. I hate the idea of her growing up with this bitterness towards me that she already has. I was far too mean to her while she was growing up. She still is, and I will hopefully be better to her.
-Went home and knoooocked out, but woke up here and there. And had a few ironic events take place. Two people decided to chime into my life after disappearing for a bit. Although, one isn't as dramatic considering it'd only been like a week.
-Had a visit with "Mr. Big." And one of our greatest visits, I must say. It's like I'd filled myself with only negative feelings towards him, and was able to rid myself of them because I was reminded of his humor and the things I'd grown to love. And this time, I was able to just appreciate it all, and not mix myself up into it. And he finally spilled some guts. He would rarely do it before, and I'd always wanted him to. Bad timing, I guess, but then also, all timing is perfect timing so I can't worry about the timing and can only say, "It was nice." And necessary.
-Went to bed with some peace.

Sex and The Desert

Mr. Big is back again.

I wonder what season of Sex and The City this would be.

Wednesday

-Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
-Almost got nailed by a diesel in my car. I hate how people can ruin someone's life/day in one second. You know? Like you make one bad move and could hurt someone.
-Got to work and was told I wasn't needed til 3:30.
-Got some errands/chores done.
-Had lunch with my mom, sister, Baby Ico.
-Went to get Nico's pictures taken.
-Went to work.
-Applied colors, did blow-dries, and yada yada yada.
-Went to Liz's.
-Picked up Carlos and went to play tennis. Matthew, Carlos, Liz, and myself had a bad ass game of doubles. Liz is a good team player. She has compliments.
-Did cart wheels and talked in the park.
-Went to La Casa De Carlos. Andy and Jacky met us.
-Dropped Liz off and we talked about "The Butterfly Effect".
-Went home.

Sowing Season

I was driving home the other morning and I realized that I am always changing. Everyday. Everyday I'm trying to be a different person from the last. And for the longest time, up until that morning, I hated that. I hated that I was never content in who I was each day... But then I realized that I am so happy to be willing to change everyday.

Each day, I become more like the person I want to be. And maybe I hated it for so long because I was further from the person I want to be than I am today. I'm pleased that I have the knowledge of knowing I need to pick and choose the traits I need to rid myself of, or embrace.

I swear my 18 days in Europe changed my life. It enabled to me to rid all the pollution in my mind. I was able to be alone (though I was with family) and focus on myself without any distractions. You can never really focus on yourself when you know you can be distracted because it's much easier to do that that than it is to look in the mirror and face who you are, and face what you hate about yourself. But I did that. And I realized, I don't hate myself.

For a year, I thought I did. But it was because I was confused by crossing lines of friendships and mixing love with sex and sex with love and love with hate and hate with love. I was mixing up love with lust when love can only be pure. And there I was becoming some person I didn't recognize, when all along, I loved myself when I was able to recognize myself. I was changing for a person/for people I didn't need to change for, and because I became a person who was for other people, I couldn't face who I was alone. I wasn't that person for the Lauren who was alone. I was Lauren for people.

Now I see myself as Lauren who can be alone. I'm still in so much repair, I know, and I have so much to work on, but I'm in this new place. This AMAZING place. Sure, I am sad often, but it'll pass. I never thought I'd be where I am now, so I'll be in a place that's better and unfathomable soon enough.

There is just no feeling like freeing yourself from the bondage of hating yourself. Really. Everything seems to be easier to cope with. It's like you're able to place things fairly... Not everything is "my fault". It's not always because I'm not pretty enough, serious enough, smart enough, because I am beautiful, I am very intelligent, and I am serious when I need to be. And I like that about myself. I like my mind, and if people don't, oh well. They don't have to. I am not made for everyone, and THAT IS OK.

You see, the most current relationship blow over is a bummer, and it gets under my skin a bit, but I know I'm gonna be ok no matter what happens because no matter what happens, I'm going to be true myself. They'll love it, or hate it, and either way, I'll win because I am me and I need to love myself no matter what AS LONG AS I am always working on myself and keeping myself in check of being the person I want to be.

Relationships are work. There's never a break from that work. And who you are with yourself is a relationship, therefore you always need to put work into it. There should never be a point where you sit there and say, "I am done with trying to better myself because I AM good enough, and people need to take me or leave me." Yes, people should be accepting of you, but you shouldn't sit there and think there's no bettering yourself.

Anyway, I'm not saying I'm not going to get sad ever, and I'm not saying that I'm relationship healed, and totally ok, but I am saying that I have a new mindset.

"Was losing all my friends
Was losing them to drinking and to driving
Was losing all my friends and I got them back

I am on the mend
At least now I can say that I am trying
And I hope you will forget the things I still lack

Yeah
Yeah

Is it in you now?
To bare to hear the truths that you were spoken
Twisted up by knaves
In a trap for fools

Is it in you now?
To watch the things you gave your life to broken
You stoop and build them up with worn out tools

Yeah

Nothing gets so bad
A whisper from your father couldn't fix it
Your whispers like a bridge, he's a river span

Take all that you have
And turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans

Yeah

Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before its coming to the end yeah

Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands
Before it's coming to an end, yeah

It's coming to an end

Do you miss the blend
Of colours she left in your black and white field
Do you feel condemned just being there?

I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how it feels

I am not your friend
I am not your lover
I am not your family

Yeah

Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before it's coming to the end yeah"

Y-Control

Oh so all my lovin' goes
under the fog, fog, fog
and I believed them all
well I'm just a poor little baby
'cause well I believed them all

Oh so while you're growing old
under the gun, gun, gun
and I believed them all
well I'm just one poor baby
'cause well I believed them all

I wish I could buy back
the woman you stole

Y-control, Y-control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk my winners
out of control, out of control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk my winners
out of control, high control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk my winners
out of control, out of control
you walk, walk, walk, walk, walk my winners out

So all my lovin' goes
under the fog, fog, fog
and I believed them all
well I'm just a poor little baby
'cause well I believed them all

Tuesday

-Woke up and hung out with Bonnie's parents... Chit chatted about life and what not.
-Played with Baby Ico.
-Cleaned my room.
-Megan and Heather came over. I cut Megan's hair.
-Got ready for Tess' awards assembly. She got a couple of awards, including a trophy. I'm very proud of her.
-Had a family dinner, and Bonnie. It was nice having us all together.
-Looked at the old yearbook with Bonnie.
-Went to Bonnie's and watched Lars and The Real Girl. It was excellent. It totally got your mind thinking and analyzing!

Monday

-Cuddled with Baby Ico. I love him.
-Went to Surf City Squeeze with my sister, and then to Vons. It was kinda fun.
-Came home and got ready to go hang out with Megan and her friend Heather.
-Went to Bonnie's and polished my toes and talked with Mooger and Heather.
-Went to Tom's All Day Birthday Bash at Shannon's. We took shots of Jager and Heritage.
-Liz played the guitar and I played the bongo and we sang Rilo Kiley and that Juno song. It was a hoot.
-Listened to Austin and Tom sing and play.
-Had a cuddle fight fest in the bed with Liz and Tom. It was romantic.
-Went swimming in Rusty's trunks. I pulled Liz into the pool. It was our first time swimming together.
-We ran around the streets having an ass slapping contest. My butt is bruised.
-Had a deeeep conversation about sisters and babies with Angela, who I hadn't seen in years, and grew up in the church with.
-Went skinny dipping with Liz and Tom and Austin, though he doesn't count cause he kept his trunks on like a little girl.
-Andy came over as I was leaving. He wasn't pissing me off for the FIRST TIME. Haha. Just kidding.
-Went to Bonnie's. Watched Lars and The Real Girl for like 20 minutes and then fell asleep.

Sunday

-Woke up totally confused in Maily's daughter's bed.
-Went home and got ready to go to Cery's house to do two blow-dries.
-Did the blow-dries and made $50 for each head of hair. That's $50 for 45 minutes, totaling $100 in an hour and a half. BEAUTIFUL.
-Went home and got ready for Tess' baptism.
-Watched her get baptized.
-I waaaas going to go to church, but I went to Liz's house instead. I talked some shit about Liz with her parents and found out that her cousin by marriage is an old flame's sister. Talk about small world, and weird!
-Went to the gas station and took twelve years took pick out shasers.
-Met Andy and Johnny at The River and saw Munchie for 2 seconds. He's so handsome.
-Took shots.
-Went into the movie and saw The Strangers. I wanted to fight some annoying bitch. She kept talking. Haha.
-Aileen, Linda, and Val met us there.
-We went to The Cheesecake Factory, but decided we didn't want it. Burger King is cheaper. So we went there, and Johnny bitched out a girl for closing early. Haha. All ghetto.
-Went home.

Saturday

-Made 28 bags of poker chips for Maily's son's party.
-Got ready, and looked damn good.
-Took shots.
-Went to Maily's, and helped her finish getting ready for the party.
-Went to Smart and Final to pick up raffle tickets.
-Took more shots.
-Sold poker chips to horny boys and horny men.
-Took more shots.
-Had tons of conversations with people I don't remember, and I don't even remember what I said. But I know it was so much fun. I love drinking with adults. And it was so fun drinking with our clients. Like, they come in, and I'm proper, and they are proper, and there we were taking shots together. It was amazing. And they were all excited and happy loving life.
-Maily did a keg stand and was so drunk and had the drunk "I love you"s. Hahaha, it was good stuff.
-Took more shots and flirted with all the men. I'm gonna for now on go after 40 year olds and older. They know what they want.
-Sat on the couch watching basketball and decided that I was feeling reeeeeally sick. I didn't pace myself at all, and I didn't eat either, and had a lottt to drink, and had tequila and Jack Daniels, so I stumbled into Asia's room, and paaaassssed out by 10.
It was a really good night. I love Maily and her family and her friends. She's a fun boss.