Empty Shell

All that is left is an empty shell
Of my heart that is crushed
I don't never wanna see
What my mind has seen
When you loved me
Every night every night alone with you
Every night alone now

When she sits on your lap
Try to pretend to laugh
When she does stupid things
Just like I used to do
Do not hate her
Don't you even try
For to leave her is to love her
The same as you and I
I love you
And I miss you too
I really do love you
And I really do miss you too

But I don't know you
And I don't need you
And I don't want you anymore anymore

Every night every night alone with you
Every night alone now

Title and Registration

The glove compartment is inaccurately named,
And everybody knows it.
So I'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm,
And all I find are souvenirs from better times.
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east,
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document,
As the rain beat down on the hood.
When I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget,
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head.

Cause it's too important,
To stay the way it's been.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade,
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all.
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide,
Lying awake at night.

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade,
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all.
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide,
Lying awake at night ,
When I'm lying awake at night.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday

Good God I'm slacking on this thing!!

I pretty much can't remember anything... I know that...

Monday
-I worked at the salon again.

Tuesday
-Worked.
-Got all my hair cut off, and cried my heart out.
-Went to The Elephant Bar with Liz, Andy, and Wilber.
-Went to the mall.
-Got in a fight with Andy.
-Went to The UN house and participated in a water balloon fight.

I don't remember Wednesday or Thursday, but I do know that I worked at the salon.

Friday
-Worked vedddy hard. I kicked maaaad ass this week at work.
-Took Tess to dinner.
-Picked up Andy and Chris and met Liz and Justin at Burger King. Then we went to the movies to see Step Brothers after pre-gaming. It was TOTALLY funny. Oh my gosh!! And we ran into Jaron and JR and that was so totally cool. Jaron has gotten way hot.
-Went home.

Saturday
-Woke up and did some chores.
-Picked up Liz for a date to The Elephant Bar. It was veddy nice.
-Got my Monroe repierced.
-Went to the mall.
-Went home.
-Andy and Liz came over and we pregamed. Liz had to go, but I had a hangout session with Devibitch, Andy, Chris Merritt, Bolin, Manuel, Munchie, Jess, Tanya, Richard, Vanessa, Manuel's brother, Rigo, and Wilber. We had so much funnn. Oh my gosh. Vanessa and I had a good girl time. The last thing I remember was taking a shot with her, and then I blaaacked out completely. I just remember Andy waking me up and I was asleep in my room without pants and completely unsure of how I got there and was freezing cold. But I know it was a good ass night. I had a lot of fun with Munch and Wilber. Well, I mean, I had a lot of fun with everyone, but I they stuck out in my night.

Sunday
-Woke up to Andy, Wilber, and Devin. Wilber and I looked for his keys, and then went back to bed cause we were still drunk. Woke up again and just hung around the house with Wilber and Andy. We went to get a handle and food and watched some Saturday Night Live, Clueless, Wedding Crashers, and The Police (in concert). Ha.
-Cleaned my room.
-Sleppppt.

Monday
-Took my car to Caliber Collision to get fixed.
-Got a rental car.
-Cleaned, cleaned, cleaned.

I wish

you thought I was the reason you were in the world.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

Thursday
-Went to work.
-Went to BCBG.
-Babysat Tess.

Friday
-Went to lunch with my mom, brother, and Tess.
-Hung out with my mom for a bit.
-Went to the salon, Cosmoprof, Cery's office, then the bank.
-Got ready, and met Liz and Food 4 Less. There was no La Cadena or Heritage, so we had to resort to getting Prestige. Oy. Dr. K was far too expensive.
-Got attacked by people talking about...I'm not sure what. Anyway...
-Got to Matt Claiborne's Birthday Party and pre-gamed it before watching Andy y Bolin y Danny play.
-Gamed some more, and ran into some good faces, and some bad. But who cares about the bad? Suckaaa.
-Liz and I went with Andy to drop off stuff at Danny's. Andy and I got in a fight. He was being mean when I was sitting on the curb, so we bickered, and it distracted him while he was driving, so he got more mad. Then we bickered at Danny's, and I didn't want to share my water, but Liz convinced me to do so. Then Andy reassured me that he loved me at some point, but I'm pretty sure I still thought he was a fucker and I hated him.
-Went back to Matt's and hung out, until Liz and I realized we were bored, so we went outside and peed on the curb. People saw us. Liz peed on her shirt, and I peed on my feet... ON ACCIDENT.
-I Chola-ed it, and talked some shit to someone and Liz and I had our first...problem? Anyway, we're ok, fyi. But I went and passed out in my car for a bit, and woke up in a puddle of sweat... It was so hot, and my car was off. I stayed in my car for 2 hours or more and then went home and wallowed in sorrow of having issues with Liz and Andy. Unsuccessful night, aside from Victor and I's Heart to Heart: Pt. 35.

Saturday
-Woke up and decided I needed to get away so my mom and I went to Orange County. We went to my sister's and hung out with her and Ico for a bit, and then we had dinner at TGIFridays and went to The South Coast Plaza. I love Crate and Barrell and Z Gallery, fyi.
-Went back to my sister's and hung out with my brother-in-law...AKA Lover. We had far too deep of discussions... Religion and politics... No, no, no. Especially because he was raised Catholic, and I was raised Christian.
-Watched Peggy Sue Got Married and went to sleep.

Sunday
-Woke up far too early to get ready for Cassie's Bridal Shower.
-Got to the Bridal Shower and was luckily able to drink starting at 10 am. Woo.
-Hung out with far too many women, but at least got to visit with Cassie, Kristen, and Kimmy, as well as my Nico Face.
-Had lunch at BJ's. Haha.
-Went to Verizon.
-Went back to the apartment and said our good-byes.
-Drove home.
-Went swimming.

Boring weekend...kind of.

I'll Try Anything Once

Ten decisions shape your life
You'll beware of five about
Seven ways to go through school
Either you're noticed or left out
Seven ways to get ahead
Seven reasons to drop out

And I said I can see me in your eyes
You said I can see you in my path
That’s not just friendship that’s romance to
You like music we can dance to

Sit me down
Shut me up
I'll come down
And I get along with you

There is a time when we all fail
Some people take it pretty well
Some take it all out on themselves
Some they just take it out on friends
Oh everybody plays the game
And if you don't you're called insane

Don't don't don't don't its not safe no more
I got to see you one more time
Since you were born in 1984

Sit me down
Shut me up
I'll come down
And I get along with you

Everybody was well dressed
And everybody was a mess
Six things without failure you must do
So that your woman loves just you
Oh all the girls played mental games
And all the guys were dressed the same

Why not try it all
If you only remember it once

Sit me down
Shut me up
I'll come down
And I get along with you

Okay, one more time

IF

I curl up in a ball and cry, I'm defeated.

I refuse to lose againt myself.

The Feel Good Revolution

I took a long nap on Wednesday night. I fell asleep at 8:30 and figured I could sleep through the night, but I ended up waking up around 11. I wanted to sleep, but I just wasn't that tired anymore. So, I poured myself a large glass of white wine and sat out in my frontyard.

I sat there. I sat in my underwear and stared at the moon, sipping on my wine. The whole sky was empty. There where few stars scattered about, and I wasn't sure if I should be appreciative, or disappointed. And there it was-- CHOICE. I could take in the moment, or be bummed...

Right now, I'm all about making the choice of being happy, or sad. And I'm choosing to LIVE, and in order to live, I need to be happy. Life was right there. Life was there sitting in my underwear without a care in the world. Life was the wind blowing through my hair, and grazing my bare legs. Life was my glass of wine that sat in my hand. Life was me feeling confident. Life was the grass beneath me. Life was that moon, even though I can't look at it the same as I used to.

I felt pleasure in such meaningless things, and that's what life is about-- enjoying the small things. There are so many things I cannot control, but right then, I was in control. I made the decision to control my choices in those small moments that made a butterfly effect into my moment now.

Life has so much to offer, and if I take it in, I, too, have a lot to offer.

Right now, it's about me building the confidence in myself... Appreciating my mind, who I really am, and embracing my body. Part of loving myself is sitting around in my underwear, and walking around the house in them. It's all part of forming the BETTERED version of me, because I guess I've never stopped being me.

I'm living. And I'm living in confidence. And living in my underwear.

Wednesday

-Cleaned my bathroom.
-Worked.
-Went to BCBG to pick out a fabulous dress.
-Picked up Carlos.
-Went to The UN house to hang out with Liz, Johnny, Matthew, Ben, Luis, and Victor.
-Learned about the G-Spot with Matthew.
-Played with lube with Liz and Matthew.
-Liz passed out, and I was the only sober one, so I took Matthew to the mall and left.
-Had dinner with my family.
-Filled out part of an application.

Monday and Tuesday

Monday

-Babysat.
-Went swimming.
-Hung out with my sisters and my nephew.
-Went to bed.

Tuesday
-Went to COD to register for my classes and go to orientation.
-Babysat.
-Went home to be with the family.
-Picked up Andres, and we went to Victor's and hung out with him, Johnny, Liz, Ben, Luis, and John.
-Went home.

Sometimes I think about myself and how much I've evolved, and it blows my mind... I mean, I've always had the choice to be happy or sad, and for so long, I chose to wallow in my sorrow, and I was so sad all the time. And now, here I am CHOOSING to love myself, and my life, and I am happy. Almost all the time. I make the choice to breathe through the sadness so I can smile.

Even within the last few weeks I've changed. I read my blogs, of my daily events, or my feelings for those moments, and see where I am right now, and it's just neat. Like my blogs about feelings for people, it was about 2 different people, mostly, and those feelings have changed too.

I don't know... I don't know how to explain how I feel... It's just crazy how much things change, or how our feelings change.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

Wednesday
-BABYSAT.

Thursday
-BABYSAT, but got away for 30 minutes to go grab a tan in a tanning bed.

Friday
-Babysat until 6. And was totally ripped off in my check, so I had quite the large crying fit. I hate my job.
-Went to Liz's
-Went to the store with Liz to pick up some H3O, and made quite the fool of myself... But it's so good...
So, we were going to checkout, and I see a time magazine with a picture of an old man on the front. It was Mark Twain, so I said, "Oh, Mark Twain is still alive?" Then I looked harder and said, "Oh, is that a painting?", and realized it wasn't a real picture of Mark Twain. Liz laughed, and the cashier thought I was haaalf retarded, but it was totally funny.
-Picked up Victor and got gas, and Victor got interviewed by a news guy, and Liz and I tried getting in the background.
-Went to The Center for a show. Pre-gamed it. Went in. Gamed some more. Debbie Downed with Victor. He's such a good guy. I needed to pee, so he peed in the sink while I peed in the toilet. Haha. The Center made me feel like a place for retarded people. Seriously. All the inspirational signs... I lost my purse at some point, so Andres went on the mic and someone found it. Liz said, "I would have stabbed you [if the purse was actually lost]", and I started to cry...again. So then Liz hugged me and said, "I was just kidding. I would never stabbed you.", so I saaaaid..."I thought you were really going to stab me." And then got over it after she reassured me that she loved me. Haha. I can be sooo dramatic sometimes.
-Went to The Redbarn, but I decided I wanted to nap in the car. So, I passed out in Liz's driver seat. Haha.
-Went to The UN house. I went and slept in Victor's bed at some point, and Liz left. I was in a maaad sausage fest, and really wasn't feelin' it. One guy was a douche and kept picking a fight with me. So, I went and laid down again. Then Justin called, so I asked him to pick me up. And he did. He took me to Liz's, and went to bed.

Saturday/Sunday (they clumped together)
-Went home and got ready to go shopping with Bonnie.
-Picked her up and went to Le Basil.
-Went to Coach, and then to BCBG, and got a faaantastic black dress.
-Went to the mall, and took Linda with us when we left.
-Linda and I got ready and then picked up Liz to go to Palm Springs for a show.
-Pre-gamed it, and then saw my lover Neil, from War Tapes.
-Ran around the strip, and danced, and was surely loud and obnoxious.
-Victor drove Liz, Linda, and I back to Palm Desert and we went to some party. It was crackin', I think, but some how I wound up in the car around 12 and knocked out. Woke up to Liz and Linda and Carlos around 4 getting into my car, and was back in party mode. Liz, Linda, and I got some good ass Jack in the Box and then met Andy. Linda went to bed, and Liz, Andy, and I played the piano and sang and had our own Something Gaygue/Pterodactyls show. Andy and I swung on swings and lifted some weights.
-Then we all went to bed and had a bed party. Haha. It was nice sleeping with my besties.
-I stayed awake longer than they did though cause my heart strings were being tugged on... I hate when he does that. He can't chime in and out. He can't. He can't. I've come too far and I hate backstepping.
-Fell asleep, but kept waking up to Andy's nonsense stories about cotton and our days plans according to him.
-Fell asleep again.
-Woke up with Linda and we talked and she educated Liz and I on Frida.
-Made Andy breakfast, and played some more piano/keyboard, and sang more.
-Took Linda to Bolin's, and Liz home.
-Went home and cleaned my car and the kitchen.
-Went to the grocery store with Wilber, Andy, and Liz.
-Wilber decided to leave like a jerk, but then Matthew joined us, and was reeeally funny. We tried watching Donnie Darko, butttt Liz and I are too loud and it didn't work, so we watched Saving Silverman again. Victor joined us, and so did Justin... HOW AWKWARD, AND WEIRD, RIGHT? Right. Seeing Liz and Justin talk was SO weird and SO last year. It was CUHRAZY. Anyway, Liz and Justin and I tried hiding in Matthew's car to scare him. Didn't work. He left. We sang and dance and played some more. Victor and I lifted weights. I took Andy home, and then Liz, Victor, and I went to bed.

Pretty good weekend.

The Truth...

Sometimes I really want Mr. Big to be dead from my life...

But the truth is, life is better with his humor. And his humor is him. And his eyes. Those eyes... They're him... Why should I want to go on without him?

I can't stand the games.

"I'm either so sick in the head
I need to be bled dry to quit
Or I just really used to love him
I sure hope that's it.."

A Spindle, A Darkness, A Fever, And A Necklace

'So long, everything' he shouted,
then he ran next door to Margot's house.

'I'm moving' he said.

'Where' asked Margot.

'Two weeks away' said Mitchell.

'Where is that' asked Margot.

'It's everywhere I will be after
I walk for two weeks' said Mitchell.
'I have lived in the same place for a
long time. It is time for me to go some
place else.'

'No' said Margot, 'you have only lived
next door for fifteen years.'

'Sixteen' said Mitchell.

'Fifteen, six, what's the difference'
said Margot. 'I want you to stay next
door forever.'

'I can't' said Mitchell. 'I do not want to
go wake up in the same old bedroom and
eat breakfast in the same old kitchen.
Every room in my house is the some old
room because I have been there too long.

'And you look at me and think 'same old
face, same old tail, same old scale, same
old walk, same old talk' said Margot.

'No' said Mitchell, 'I like your face, tail,
scale, walk and talk.'

'I like you.'

'I like you too, said Mitchell. He walked
to the door. 'I must pack' he said.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday

Sunday

-Went to lunch with my mom.
-Cleaned my room.
-Thought about going to church, but ended up picking up Johnny and hanging out with him. We went to Target, and then to Petco, but it was closed. So then we went to Toys R Us, and that was closed too, so we went to The River. Thennn we went to pick up Albert to head out to Sara's party. Juan, Alberto, y yo went to Food 4 Less to meet Ben, Veector, y Luis, and didn't end up going to the party, but bought a handle and juice to take back to The UN house.
-Went back to The UN house and Liz met us, and I picked up Carlitos. We all talked and hung out and whatevaaa.
-Went home.

Monday
-Worked, and went swimming.
-Went to The UN house.
-Went home.

Tuesday
-Went to work.
-Went to Liz's. She colored my hair.
-Went to the mall.
-Went to The Elephant Bar and had some drinks and gooood food and we taaalked about LOVE and relationships. Boohoo.
-Met Andres at Wal-Mart, and suckered his ass. He bought as bracelets on accident, and I can't remember when I last laughed that hard.
-Went to the gas station and saw Claudia and Abe.
-Took Liz home.
-Went home.
It was kinda weird not hanging out with Victor, Albert, Ben, Luis, and Johnny.

Friday and Saturday

Friday
-Hung out with the family around the house.
-Went swimming, and caught a little bit of a tan.
-Got ready.
-Went to the Palm Desert park with my sisters, dad, mom, nephew, and brother-in-law to watch the fireworks. They were so beautiful this year. Sitting out in that heat was worth it, I guess.
-Went to The UN house. I'm such a groupie now, I guess. They were all fucked up and spreading love and words of wisdom.
-Left to hang out with Justin, but he fell asleep. So I went home.

Saturday
-Played with my baby before he left back to Orange County.
-Went to a movie and lunch with my mom and sister. I like all my family time. We need it. And I need it. And they need it.
-Went to The UN house and had quite the sausage fest, and it gave me a glimpe into my future without Liz when she's in Seattle. I kinda miss having side girl talks. But we had fun, aside from Albert and I fighting-- AGAIN. It's worse than Andy and I's fights. Oy. I just want to get along. Andres was in it, and that was cool. I missed the dumb boy. We all then ventured to the SOS, BSS, and blah blah blah shows. Carlee sang beautifully, and I wanted to cryyyy. We went back to The UN house and had some more fun. We listened to The Beatles and smiled and dance partied it.

Fyi, I am really over shows. I like just hanging out with the guys and chilling and not worrying about dumb bitches and dumb guys. I like how positive Victor and Ben are and I've been the happiest I've ever been. They spread so much love and joy that it helps my perspective on life and such change, and it just makes me feel good.

Good weekend.

"It's almost that

...I wish we hadn't met at all..."

And other times, I can't imagine living the rest of my life without you, and wish I won't have to.

"...It's almost that I wish you had me up against the wall."

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday

Tuesday
-Hung out with my BABY Ico, and went to work.
-Got off early and went to Liz's. We went to Burger King, and then to pick up Victor. We went to the mall for a bit, and then we parted ways.
-Went home to join my family for a sweet visit that turned BEYOND bitter. Oy.
-Was so pissed and hurt that I went to bed at 8.

Wednesday
-Woke up too early to go take my assessment exam at COD. I'm half retarded, according to my results.
-Went to the bank to get money out, and it was such a hassle. It sucks losing your ATM card.
-Went to Williams Sonoma. The cashier was such a bitch. I can't stand that.
-Went to a tanning bed.
-Took my car to get it's oil changed.
-Played some keyboard.
-Went to my cousin's going away party.
-Went to meet Liz, Johnny, and Victor at the mall.
-Went to Carlos' to swim with Liz, Johnny, Victor, Carlos, and Nick. Liz and I pretended to make-out. Haha. And we peed on our feet, and then jumped in the pool to clean them. Ahahahaha. Andrew went over, and we talked about drugs. I slipped and fell really hard. I tried biting Carlos' nipple.
-Johnny and I went to The UN house, but I passed out right away, until Albert wanted to be a little cry baby wah wah and wanted to go to bed.
-Went home.

Thursday
-Worked.
-Went to Liz's, and had a battle with her dad.
-Went to the mall and bought so cute as stuff.
-Went to The Elephant Bar for dinner and margaritas/mojitos.
-Went back to her house to get ready.
-Went to The UN house and deep talked it for 12 years with Ben. I love him. He has the best compliments and advice, and views on life. It was great. Albert brought up the ghetto purse talk and pissed me off. Victor shaved his face. Good ass night.