Sometimes

I think our minds connect at some other level.

I was thinking of him heavily, and missing him (to be quite honest) yesterday. I went to sleep and popped my eyes open around 3:30 am and after I woke up, I hear my phone vibrate. I immediately knew who it was, and sure enough, it was that person.

This has happened a few times... My randomly waking up, and right after I wake up, I get a text from him.

It really was nothing, though. First my stomach turned and I thought of throwing up cause it was like, "Oh God, here we go.", but all he did was irritate me, and there was nothing to the short stream of texts at all. However, I wasn't too worried because I've grown my spine and I know how to put my foot down. So that wasn't why I felt nauseated. I felt nauseated because he manages to evoke so many negative feelings inside of me that I could just throw up everywhere.

How sad is that? The fact that I could care so much about a person who made me feel so awful that I could puke. What a sick thing. Masochist...

That's what gets me about my current crush. I don't have all those negative feelings. Sure things were different with the other fellow... I fell a lot harder and a lot faster because of our being very close friends, but still. Liking someone should not hurt so bad, and with this guy, it doesn't. A lot of me felt this security in and with them.

If we really are over, though, I hope I get a good-bye of some sort. I'm actually bumming really hard on them this morning. I miss him a lot and wish I had done so many things differently. I think back as to how we've evolved and I've just pushed him away. It went from being this good and fun girl to this drunken burden.

I remember how right away I was referred to as "my girl" when he was on the phone with his friend being asked what he was doing, and I felt so happy about that. Now I'm pretty sure I'd never catch that out of his mouth.

Then sometimes I wonder how over we'll ever really be when what's his face and I still have this mental connection. Are we really ending? Or are we just beginning?

I remember being in beauty school and sitting outside with Claire while she smoked a cigarette, and things were going badly with boy #1. I recall saying to her, "I think it's over.", and then she said, "No, I think this is just the beginning." She couldn't have been more right. Our sick and twisted rendezvous of games and battles has lasted for 2 years.

Will boy #2 plague me for 2 years too? Or will he be of some benefit? He seems too secure to plague me though.

Hm...