Knife Going In

I feel the knife going in,
I'm feeling anxious.
Not enough to kill me,
I thought it'd happen fast.
But I'm feeling it now
And I feel anxious.
Sleeping inches from me,
I let it pass.

Tuesday

-Took Princess to get groomed.
-Picked up my mom from some car place that she left her car at to get fixed.
-Went to donate a bunch of clothes to a thrift store.
-Cleaned out more clothes out of my closet.
-Picked up Princess.
-Cleaned my room and Myspaced it for far tooo long.
-Took my mom to pick up her car.
-Went over to Liz's and then we went to go play tennis at the Palm Desert park. We didn't drink. I was kind of bummed, but we ended up having a great girl talk about our Nannys, Consuela and... I forgot.
-Went back to her house and took pictures, popped some of those white popper things on the sidewalk, and then spent 12 hours trying to clean up the paper and what not. Thennn we decided to take a little run around her neighborhood, and so we did.
-I drove by Andy's to see his new car.
-Dropped my car off in a neighborhood across the street because they're doing some street shtuff in our neighborhood tomorrow, and on my walk home, I ran into an old friend of my brother's. Ok, well, I didn't run into... He was driving by and stoppd to stay hello. Only in Indio will someone you know see you in a 2 minute walk.
-Now I am at home. Blah. I wanna go to the beach this week.

Edit the Sad Parts

I really hate that feeling of your heart sinking into your stomach, and then your throat constricts... And when it constricts, you feel that large ball that you try to fight off so you don't cry. I did promise myself I wasn't going to cry. So here I am keeping one promise to myself... I deserve that much... But if I cry? What does that mean? Do I give up? Or does it mean my heart will move out of my stomach? It's been there too long, and I told myself I was never going to be in this place again.

I just hate when things dawn on you. Or when things don't need to dawn. They're just there. And there's no ignoring them, or no excuse to be made for them because it's there...loud and clear.

I'm tired of caring. I really am. About this and that, and that and this. Seriously. I really need to hold to it when I say "I've turned bitter.", and just be bitter and alone and tell everyone and everything to FUCK OFF. Sometimes I'm SURE that my only way out of it all is if I just peace out and forget everyone's names and faces, and forget all the places and things I've come to love. When I die, it's not like I can it all with me, so why cling onto it now?

What the fuck is here to keep me from moving to Italy? Or maybe just Hawaii? Nothing, and no one. I can be easily forgotten about, so I should just do the same. Apparently everyone really is out to save their own asses, so I should just do the same.

I'm always the one who wants to create a good cycle of "what goes around comes around", and so here I live trying to put a good go around so I can get a good come around... And for what? Nothing. Why live trying to please people who people can't even do the same for me.

I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode with all the things I am thinking that I shamefully enabling my body to feel. I don't want to feel any emotion, because once I do that, I let my emotions run my trains of thought, and I'd rather be a numb, logical, bitch.

So I guess my current attempt is to not run from everything... But not care. I don't want to degrade myself anymore in my attempt to to not run/not care/but care/and run (it's my vicious cycle...), but to genuinelly say FUCK YOU to 99% of the people I know, but not in a way that's to protect myself. Just a fuck you, I only need myself and stay out of my face real type of feeling... If that makes sense.

I can't care about things and/or people anymore. It's not worth it. It's not worth having friends, lovers, jobs, or money. It all goes a way in a snap of a selfish finger.



"Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I needed to say

If you stand in a circle
Then you'll all have a back to bite
Back logged voices on the 7 wonders
We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now
A communication from the one lined joke
A stand up comic and a rock musician
Making so much noise you don't know when to listen..."

Why...

...am I always second best? I can't stand it.

I know I am THE best. I know I am different than most. I am what can be trusted. But I guess it's on thing to know it than truly show it...

If time is my vessel, then learning to love might be my way back to sea
The flying, the metal, but turning above these are just ways to be seen

We all get paid
Yeah some get faith before they die
Then through stars we will navigate
Through the holes in your eyes

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?

Oh abandon...

Oh so swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
You move with me, I'll treat you right
May our bodies remain

There is love to be made
So just stay here for this while
Perhaps heartstrings resuscitate
The fading sounds of your life

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?

Oh abandon...

So swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
As deep we move I'll feed you light baby
May our bodies remain
In history I'll treat you right maybe
I'm honest that way, hey!

Swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain

Monday

-Woke up and cleaned up around the house, and hung out with the family. Kinda nice. I rarely see my brother anymore. And I just am thankful to have my parents, siblings, nephew, and brother-in-law in tact, you know?
-Got ready all early cause Liz told me to... And her and Andy took 12 years to get ready...
-I went to Target, but didn't go in, so I went to the mall instead. I really wanted to see Johnny, but he wasn't working. Dumb boy called in sick.
-I went to Liz's. She gave me our Beft Friend necklaces that are charmed by H30 filters.
-Liz and I went to Albertsons and picked up some Heritage and went over to Bad Habit Bike Shop for that benefit show.
- We took shots. And then took some more shots. Went in. And took some more shots and listened to Samson by Regina Spektor and Debbie Downed our asses.
-We went back into the show. But before we did that, we popped a squat. It was romantic watching eachother urinate and drip dry. P.S. Carlee Hendrix, I am in love with you. You're funny and beautiful and sing like a dream.
-Liz and I went to Burger King. Bomb. We had the drizzy munchies. We talked some good boy talk. Oy. And then Matthew and Andy joined us.
-I took Liz home and then took Andy to buy alcohol at Food 4 Less. It was quite the challenge. You see, whiskey is good with coke, and gin is good with juice, but vodka is just much better with juice and coke, AND it's far more of a breakfast drink than gin and whiskey. Prestige will forever hold our hearts, fyi.
-I took Andy home, and then I came home and am now in bed with a few final thoughts...
*I really need to keep to not drinking. It doesn't make me happy. And I'm changing, and that needs to come along with my change.
*People are beautiful... It was amazing how everyone took time out of their day to go to the benefit show and support that gentleman. He'll surely be prayed for this evening.