He's managed

to make me more mad. "Happy Easter". Hey fuck you.

Like an idiot, I said, "Thank you. You too". I should have just said "Thanks." Now it looks like I've forgiven him, and I have not yet. I figured saying, "You too" as opposed to an entire "Happy Easter" was best because it kept me from seeming to friendly and personal being that those ties have now been severed, but as I rethink how angry I am that he'd wish me a Happy Easter, I wish I let him know how not ok it was. Why the fuck are you wishing me a good day when you've said so much shit you've never said? He'd probably rip away that wish being that that's his thing.

Whatever.

I'm contemplating sharing that he's upset me with his text. I don't know what to say to him though.

I'm just trying to get through this...

...and maybe you're just insecure.

It takes a lot to move on. It takes a lot of security and confidence to know you don't need an ex. It's scary knowing that if you let them go you may end up alone.

Maybe you're lacking that much confidence in yourself to know you're ok without comfort.

Comfort isn't anything to look for.

I don't know. Maybe I'm lying to myself.

I was pretty

wasted last night when I blogged that, and I'm still pretty drunk.

But I still know that you've made a huge mistake. It hurts me so much, and I keep praying, and I know I'll eventually pull through and be ok and YOU will live with the fact that you'll never know if that was the right decision. You'll have to be the one to wonder. Not me because I didn't give up. You'll be the one plagued with wonder.

As much as it hurts right now and nothing makes it feel remotely better, I find some peace knowing that's something you'll have to live with when you realize your guys' relationship is the same as it was before and it wouldn't change. Not something I'll have to live with because I gave it my all, and would have continued to give it my all because nothing was wrong with us.

And honestly, I do hope you live with that because what you have done is SO unfair. So unfair. I can't get all the shit you've said out of my head. I pray pray pray for it to leave my mind because it kills me. Rips my very heart out replaying all the things you've said.

I don't even know what hurts most. I do know that the conversation of it being weird that we were going to have a baby together kills me a lot. "Isn't it weird we are going to have a baby together?" "Yeah it is!"

And it hurts knowing we made them into people (Chloe, Jacqueline, and Ben Jr.).

And us moving.

I have no idea which part hurts the most cause each part makes me want to throw up. I feel soo sick at the idea of you two being together. So sick.

But I can't change it. And didn't you say I was too pretty to be sad?

I guess this will be my attempt at being ok.

I'll tell you now...

...you made the biggest mistake of your life.

The heart may want what the heart wants. But it doesn't mean it's right.

If love meant everything, Natasha would be with Chase, Jackie would be with Manuel, and I would be with Jess.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean that it's everything, honestly. Love may mean a lot but it really isn't everything

Love doesn't make everything right. It just doesn't. And I am so pro love and I know the truth, and I know that's the truth.

Here's the truth:

Ben, you've meant the world to me. You've been my better half. You've shown me sides of myself I didn't even know existed. As much as 99 percent of me is dead right now, I still feel the ache of you leaving me. "I wish you the best, I guess..."