Writer's Block

I have so much on my mind, but am pulling blanks now that I'm wanting to write it down. It feels like I'm 16 all over. There's too much on my mind that everything I put down will turn out scribbled...

I guess it's like I'm feeling everything change, finally, and it's too much to absorb. I went from going out every night, to staying in 4 days of the week. I had a companion, though it wasn't a boy. She's still there, but we're at a physical distance. I'm back on schedule, and my schedule has left me in a panic...

I just don't like schedules. I like to be able to just jump around through life. Although, when I don't have one, I want one. Funny how that works...

It's probably best I have one though, because all I really want to do is go and get really drunk. Like get so drunk that I forget my own name, and that can't be good to do everyday.

I don't know if it's my being home so much that I'm depressed, or if it's because I'm depressed that I am having to face all my issues now that I am sober most of my week...

It's like I have a handful of options for this evening, and on most evenings, but you know what I'd rather do (as of lately)? I'd rather stay in my pajamas, and lay in bed with my face covered and wait for the sun to go down that way I know the moon will be out, the day will be over, and it'll be one day closer to happiness.

9 o'clock is usually my best mood of the day because it makes me so excited that it's almost bedtime that I'll take the dogs and myself for a walk, and read.

And you know what else I like to do? I like to watch Sex and The City. It's like a map to my life. I've watched every episode on my On Demand, so now I'm just depressed about that, because I don't know where my life is going to go next. That's another whole problem with me... It's like I'm reading horoscopes, or something... And you just can't do that. It is like cheating.

I'm going to lean on the fact that I'm depressed (aside from my given stupid situation that I've gotten myself into-- AGAIN. Stupid Situation: Part XXXVIII) because I'm alone and facing all that I really do need to. All the things I need to get done, and haven't gotten done... The people in my life that shouldn't be... The way I am when it comes to certain things, and how I want to be... And instead of getting drunk and neglecting fixing those things, I'm sober, and weak, and dwelling on those things.

In Italy, I had this large bedroom to myself. It wasn't even connected to my family's apartment. It was off by itself. It was a giant room with a desk, lamps, and armoir that could be opened with a skeleton key, and a bathroom that looked out at the garden. I was there in that room a lot, mostly sober, and alone. I had no friends, and I didn't have alcohol in excessive amounts. Just a glass of wine, or two, or three. I spent a lot of time thinking in that room, and at one point, I stood in front of the mirror and let myself change. I let myself get over friends, and a boy, and let myself let another boy in, which didn't last. Anyway, I looked in the mirror and faced who I was on the inside and out, and was ok. I really was. It felt so good to be ok. It felt good to laugh in my face about things and people I was crying over.

That change didn't last for long, though. I came home and fell back into my daily routine, and now here I am facing myself, minus the foreign bathroom. I wish I could go back though and deal with myself there. It was far more glamorous, and easier because I didn't have those people who hurt me contacting me often. And there, I wasn't running into them.

Now I'm going on this rant that's leading me to no where, but I guess my block was unblocked.

I just hope I make it out of this funk alive, cause honestly, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, and have no fucking clue how to make it out okay...

The lows are so extreme that the good seems fuckin' cheap...

Liz invited a new word to my vocabulary.

nos·tal·gia Audio Help [no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh-] Pronunciation Key
–noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.