Public Pervert

Oh so swoon baby starry night
May our bodies remain
You move with me, I'll treat you right
May our bodies remain...

...There is love to be made
So just stay here for this while
Perhaps heartstrings resuscitate
The fading sounds of your life

I need to

change.

I say the dumbest shit when I'm drunk.

I pretty much HAVE to change before I ruin everything.

I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up...

I was staring at the sky
just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on,
or something like that
I was having a sweet fix
of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew,
was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope
began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that
my chances were
approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near,
so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird,
but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts,
and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold cuz these hands are
too shaky to hold
hunger hurts,
but starving works
When it costs too much to love...

And I went crazy again today,
Looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay,
wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good,
don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said "It's all in your head",
and I said "So's everything"
But he didn't get it...

Hunger hurts,
and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold cuz these hands are
too shaky to hold
hunger hurts,
but starving works
When it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts,
but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold becuz these hands are just too shaky to hold
hunger hurts, but starving works
When it costs too much to love

Hunger hurts,
but i want him so bad oh it kills
Cuz i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
i got to fold becuz these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts,
but starving - it works,
When it cost too much to love.

More honesty

I'm sure it's the tequila talking, but I know this shit comes from somewhere within...
...I can just only picture myself as this Trophy Wife. The one that is prized on a man's arm. The ideal mother and homemaker.
...all I've pictured...
...all I've imagined...

but I can't maintain anything.... I'm so far from being the Trophy Wife.

Honestly

All I've ever wanted was to be perfect...


...but I guess perfection doesn't exist...

Hard to swallow...

Wake Up

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little god’s causin rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’
With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am go-goin’

You better look out below!

Blah.

It makes me really sad that as much of not a virgin I am, I still feel like one. I'm so impure, yet completely pure, but no one other than me sees my purity.

In no way do I try to wait til marriage, yet some of me feels like I do, and I have this innocent untouched part of me left. But again, no one sees it.

I feel old, used, and tainted, and sometimes I don't. And then I think about how some people think that, and feel like it's pointless to try.

I don't know what my point is. I guess I just wish I waited until marriage, and was still trying to wait. I have all the hopes and dreams of an unwed virgin.

I wish I didn't know so much otherwise it'd be a lot easier to start all over.

A Gentleman Caller

Your gentleman caller
Well, he's been calling on another
He loves his forbidden fruit
And as it dribbles down his chin
He cries:
"Baby I've been drinking with some friends now how about a little kiss"
Bad boy
Rub his nose in it, what a mess
And he's playing dumb
Do do do do do do do do

I'm not looking for a lover
All those lovers are liars
I would never lie to you
You say you wanna get even
Yeah you wanna get your bad man good
Well, are you in the mood?
You bad girl
Does it feel good
Being bad? and get worse
do do do do do do do do

But in the morning
On the sober dawn of Sunday
You're not sure what you have done
Who told you love was fleeting
Sometimes men can be so misleading
To take what they need from you
Whatever you need to make you feel
Like you've been the one behind the wheel
The sunrise is just over that hill
The worst is over
Whatever I said to make you think
That loves the religion of the weak
This morning we love like weaklings
The worst is over
Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do
The worst is over
Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do
The worst is over

I am Heaven sent,

don't you dare forget.

"You're too pretty to put out." -Chris Merritt.

Stuff to ponder upon.

I think

I want to be a sex therapist. How lovely would it be to help couples find passion, love, and lust when they're experiencing difficulties with it?

In the last 2 weeks, I haven't had much to drink, and have been so clear headed. I really don't like who I am when I drink. I get insecure and on the defense and am this whole other person. I'm wild and say and think the craziest things. I hate it. I think I may be more crazy than I am fun when I am drunk.

It's such a sad though because I've spent so much time being intoxicated beyond recognition.

Saturday night was like a wake-up call. I only had like 3 shots, but felt myself get icky, and awkward. I was with Bebo, and I started all this nonsense out of my insecurity, where on Friday, I was totally sober, and I was confident, ok, enjoyed my time, enjoyed him, and enjoyed it all.

I don't know why I do that to myself.

Funny how...

...it's said that you have your whole life to live, and other times it's said that life is short.

Which is it?

Combat baby...

...don't go quietly, combat baby, say you'll never give up easy.

Cups...

...we've brought them all into the house together. If all goes wrong, who gets what, where do they go?

It goes to show things can't go wrong. We've all been in this together for too long.

I miss..

...collecting sand dollars on the beach in La Jolla, Saturdays when he'd take us to go buy pogs, nights when he'd babysit me and did whatever it took to entertain me including letting me do his make-up, when he'd take me to Wal-Mart and buy me a Barbie and a My Little Pony on random nights, laying on the couch with him while he'd listen to classical music or The Smashing Pumpkins or The Wallflowers or Dave Matthews band, when he helped in my classroom, when he'd take me swimming, when he'd take me to the Rec Center Park and we'd play Hide-N-Seek and he'd always hide in the same place, when we'd go rent movies together, the time I was playing in the truck and I switched some gears and started rolling and he dashed to get me, when we were in Colorado and I had to throw a fish I caught back in the water and I cried and cried and he tried to comfort me, when I first started to fall apart and he said, "I'll always love you.", when he was my constant playmate, or in my very first memory, I was a baby standing in my crib crying and he came to get me in his towel, when he tried teaching me how to tell time, when he brought Rutherford to my Show and Tell, when he used to entertain me and my best friends Ernesto and Baltazer after school and they'd come over, when he'd take me bike riding, when he'd take me to find Rutherford whenever he went missing, how we'd always be the first to find him and show eachother our excitment, how when my mom worked late when I was 3, he bathed me and combed my hair and put a clip in it, or when I needed a braid and he would do one even though it would come out loose and crappy, when we'd watch VH1 Music Videos together, when I'd dress-up as something really weird, which I did do often, and he'd laugh and take pictures of me, when he took me to The Palm Desert park to watch a Romeo and Juliet play, when I'd try my very best to get into Shakespear with him even though I hated it, but I wanted to love it cause he did, when he'd take me to the Indio library...

I miss so much. Maybe if I or we needed him more, it'd all be ok, cause it seemed pretty damn good then.

The Center of The World

We sat and waited for the sea
To stretch out so that we could disappear
Into the endlessness of blue
Into the horror of the truth

I'm hardly

eveer jealous, but when I am...

Oo.

Happy couples make me so depressed. Why can't I EVER get that?

Is it me? Is it them? Why do I get the same type of thing over, and over? I'm so good, too. Like I know of my faults. I really am. I'm really fully aware, but other people have them too, yet they find these relationships.

Aww.

Manipulative,

fake, conniving, bitch. Serio.

Maybe it's my karma?

Question of the night:

Why can't I have sex like a man, and remain unattached?

Dear New Boy,

You're really cute, and I think we are both very goal oriented, and not even a little retarded that this could be good. Please play nice.

Sincerely,
Lauren

You know

you're over something when you're not even a little mad.

Sure, I'm annoyed by how fucking stupid they both are, but...

...the blinders are officially off, I'm cleansed, and I'm renewed. I am so done, done, done that I finally feel SATISFIED.

"Betrayal is a funny crown
You wear it well, just like a king
Revenge is the saddest thing
Honey, I'm afraid to say, you deserve everything."

Photobooth

Well, I lost track, and then those words were said.
You took the wheel and you steered us into my bed.
Soon we woke and I walked you home,
And it was pretty clear that it was hardly love...


...And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending.
And this is all that's left:
The empty bottles, spent cigarettes.
So pack a change of clothes, 'cause it's time to move on.