The Chills

Your tongue is sharp
but I miss the taste of it

You said time heals
there's not enough of it

The lessons are too cruel to keep
to lock the door to hide the key

To hear you cast a spell so sweet
to still have hours left to sleep

Your fear is crowdin'
And there is still
no place
for someone
like me to fill

Don't know about luck
but I know the lack of it

Don't know about luck
but I'm losing track of it

The lessons are too cruel to keep
to lock the door to go to sleep

I know that time until it kills
You're giving me the chills

Your fear is crowdin'
and there is still
No place
for someone
like me to fill


The lessons are too cruel to keep
to lock the door to hide the key

to hear you cast a spell so sweet
and still have hours left to sleep

Your fear is crowdin'
And there is still
no place
for someone
like me to fill


The lessons are too cruel to keep
to lock the door to go to sleep

I know that time until it kills
You're giving me the chills

I know that time until it kills

you're giving me the chills
you're giving me the chills
you're giving me the chills

Sex and the City

Alright, so I saw the MOVIE tonight. I have to admit that I loved it. I'm a sucker for that show, and the life Charlotte leads, and the one Carrie longs to, and Carrie's relationship with Mr. Big.

You see, we all have that Mr. Big. That Mother-Fucker-Big, but the man you just can't live without, and somehow, I find comfort in seeing their relationship evolve, and seeing how common it is. I mean, if they make show, after show, after show about their relationship, it reeeeally must be, because why else would women want to watch it. They wouldn't.

We, as women, need to hear that things like that are normal, and happen, and can be worked through, whether it is fiction or reality. And we need someone, or something, or anything for that matter TO relate to us. It enables us to hold onto some sick and twisted hope to escape from our own reality, sometimes.

What I mean is... Here, there is this guy who may or may not love you, but you feel as though you need them to, so you hold onto these maybes, shoulds, coulds, and somedays, and Big and Carrie give reason to think that in that someday, they'll be yours, and those maybes, shoulds, and coulds come to life. And when you have that real-life Big, you know that deep down they love you and need you, and sometimes you have to hold onto that hope to get through loving them. It's like if you love them enough, they'll come around. Or maybe they won't, though they know they should and they know so well they feel it in their bones... In their very core.

I can't say I have a Big, and I can't say that I don't. I have no hope of this love from my Big coming to life, but I also believe we'll forever be plagued by these "Bigs", because we all have them, or have had them... And it may feel as though go away, but sometimes they haunt your dreams, so is it like they really are supposed to remain in your life? And will they come around as Big does?

Sex and the City enables us to use our imaginations as we want. And it sets a fire in us... A desire, a passion for love. For love and sex. And for money and success. And it helps set goals of who you want to be, and who not to be, and what to do, and what not to do. It's like Cosmopolitan put in action. Its good stuff.

It just makes you pray that Big does really go away, or does come around.

Friday

-Woke up in a very bitter way, and had the most awkward experience with my parents. Like you don't even know.
-Went to work.
-Went to Wal-Mart with Maily to get poker chips, and such, for Shawn's (her son) graduation party tomorrow.
-Met Johnny and Matthew at P.F. Chang's. It was very romantic. We took shots. Matthew was extra funny this evening... And it's a shame that I forgot all that he said that was funny. Liz met us, and I spilled my drink all over her. Sorry, Liz.
-Went to the grocery store so Matthew could get beer.
-Went to Rancho 16 to go see Sex and the City. We had 2 hours to kill before it started.
-Went to Wal-Mart so Matthew could get more beer.
-Had a car party with Peter, Bjorn and John.
-Went into the movie. It was 2 and a half hours long. Intennnnse.
-Drove back to The River so Matthew and I could pick up our cars. Fought with Johnny.
-Now I am home. Pretty good night.

Pretty sure

I can't stand anything more than people who avoid things. We are nothing without communication, and if communication is shut off, what does anyone have?

And what's reeeally hard is I'm on the extreme side of needing to speak feelings and thoughts, so when people shut down, I go nutttts.

I guess it's cause I trust myself SO much, I expect everyone to trust me. And that's not going to happen until I give people reasons to...

Oy.

Creep

As much as I try to be happy, I'm always plagued by this and that. Like so...

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

Thursday

-I went to work... Applied some colors... Shampooed... Test stranded some shitttt... Did some blow-dries.
-I went to the post office. I put stamps on 45 postcards, and it was pleasant. I sat in the car listening to music while doing so. I love those simple things.
-I went to Liz's. Right when I got there, her and her mom fell asleep, so I slept too.
-One point of my nap, I had an odd dream, and I squeeled and woke up. Haha, I was embarrassed that they may have heard me.
-Liz and I went to the park to go play tennis, and all the tennis courts were taken. I was pretty bummed cause 1. I have a lot of bad energy I need to release. 2. My thighs felt fat. 3. It's better than just hanging out and drinking. I'm sick of repetition! I've seen the good life and REFUSE to not feel and live it.
-Went back to Liz's for 2 seconds, and contemplated whether or not to go to The River con Lez, Andres, y Carlitos. I decided against it. I'd rather have pure, me, time and wake up refreshed than sit at The River killing my liver, and my mind. I am really proud of myself.
-I am now home, kinda bored, but I think I'm gonna write. It always helps me. And I should read. I need to get myself back in touch with myself, and God, and I'm on the road to it, and gonna keep to it.

The truth is, in order for me to find anything, I need to seek God for it...

Maybe

Maybe if I start humbling myself, I'll stop being so high strung.
Maybe if I start being sober, I'll be able to remember conversations,
Maybe if I stop getting so scared of awkward silences, I'll be more social.
Maybe if I step out of my comfort, I'll be more comfortable.
Maybe if I make the first step, the second and third will follow.
Mayeb if I stop worrying about needing to be social, I'll make more money.
Maybe if I make more money, I'll do more that'll make me happy.
Maybe if I'm more happy, I'll live better.
Maybe if I stop worrying about being embarrassed, they'll come around.
Maybe if I try to make a difference, I won't need to change.
Maybe if I keep trying, I'll see a result.
Maybe I'll be happy.
Maybe I'm ready.

I'm ready to just let go.
What's the worst that could happen?
Obviously nothing went right before cause God forbid I make some moves.
If everyone was the way I AM, nothing would go anywhere.
I can give it a shot.
What won't kill me will only make me stronger, right?

And I mean, I don't need to change.. I just need to put fourth some effort myself to better things and life. That's all...

Wednesday

-Went to Maily's house to help plan her son's graduation party and then did some mailouts for the some clients. The salon is DEAD so we gotta bribe the people in, you know? And then I watched Asia for like 30 minutes until Mike, Maily's hubby got home.
-Went down to Cery Perle's office and filled out some paperwork so I can have a background check done. I HAVE A NANNY JOB FOR THE SUMMER! I couldn't be more hyyyped on that. Easy money, and big money. I'm getting TAN this sumer, and I'm gonna learn how to be a better wife/mommy. Creepy much?
-Went to Liz's. She helped me lurk some Myspaces. I love lurking pros.
-We went to the mall. We sat in the car and listened some good music and drank some drinks. We did some talks about suicide and life. We make life good together. And by the way, we concluded it's good to be drunk. You let down all those damn walls we build up against everyone and everything.
-Then we went into the mall to go take a pess, and ended up talking to Travis. Then we went to American Greetings and I saw BEAUTIFUL AILEEN. And then Tom and Austin met us there. Then we went and sat with Travis and Nick and talked about HPV. Fuck that shit, dood. And then Liz and I switched spots and I sat with Tom and Austin. And then Chris, Devibitch, Bolin, and Andy met us.
-We all ventured over to The River. I ran into an old good friend and made some new friends. And thennn Tom and I had a good heart to heart. I LOVE him. He's gonna be good to have around. Then we went to Border's and annoyed ourselves, and people (probably).
-I decided I was tired and wanted to leave, but wound up sitting in the parking lot taking to Liz and Tom. They helped me a lot. And then Austin and Kelsi met up with us. It was good stuff.
-Now I am home.

P.S. How is it that the people I meet appreciate my mind within 2 weeks, yet others that I know for at LEAST a year think I am stupid? I guess it goes to show how little I need people. Everyone should be able to acknowledge that I am intelligent because I am. And with that...

People you love
Will turn their backs on you
You’ll lose your hair
Your teeth
Your knife will fall out of its sheath
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They’ll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tie you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They’ll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tie you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show

Pretty sure

that girls are the most manipulative FUCKS in the world. Seriously.

I hate them. Except Liz.

Ugh. Girls are always wanting what they can't have and cry their stupid ugly eyes out to win.

Fuck you, dooood.

Fork and Knife

I just want to be young and innocent again, and pure.





We'll take it easy, tigers in a cage,
Pacing on our pads, and waiting,
For the time to come in reverie.
Our lazy bones ache for our dowry.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are dry and blown like dust since we were young.
What we invented, I am now ending.

The closest thing we had to royalty,
A chance to break our parents’ pattern.
You chose to keep your teenage tragedy,
In lieu of their romantic pallet.
Play tender like a new born baby would.
Play tender to the night is over.
I’m leaving you to nurture cherished wounds,
And care for it just like your lover, yeah.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are dry and blown like dust since we were young.
What we invented, I am now ending.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are dry and blown like dust since we were young.
The morning's over, the day is in full swing.

I know you're busy,
But please won't you come visit me?
You are an aimless ghost;
You haunt your bag of bones.
The wolf messed with your vision.
He is sitting in your kitchen,
While you sleep tonight.
He will eat you young,
And you will act surprised.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are dry and blown like dust since we were young.
What we invented, I am now ending.

Can’t hold on to the thrill.
So I hope you find your will to follow through.
What we invented, I am now ending.
Hold on to who you love.
We are dry and blown like dust since we were young.
The morning's over, the day is in full swing.

Knife Going In

I feel the knife going in,
I'm feeling anxious.
Not enough to kill me,
I thought it'd happen fast.
But I'm feeling it now
And I feel anxious.
Sleeping inches from me,
I let it pass.

Tuesday

-Took Princess to get groomed.
-Picked up my mom from some car place that she left her car at to get fixed.
-Went to donate a bunch of clothes to a thrift store.
-Cleaned out more clothes out of my closet.
-Picked up Princess.
-Cleaned my room and Myspaced it for far tooo long.
-Took my mom to pick up her car.
-Went over to Liz's and then we went to go play tennis at the Palm Desert park. We didn't drink. I was kind of bummed, but we ended up having a great girl talk about our Nannys, Consuela and... I forgot.
-Went back to her house and took pictures, popped some of those white popper things on the sidewalk, and then spent 12 hours trying to clean up the paper and what not. Thennn we decided to take a little run around her neighborhood, and so we did.
-I drove by Andy's to see his new car.
-Dropped my car off in a neighborhood across the street because they're doing some street shtuff in our neighborhood tomorrow, and on my walk home, I ran into an old friend of my brother's. Ok, well, I didn't run into... He was driving by and stoppd to stay hello. Only in Indio will someone you know see you in a 2 minute walk.
-Now I am at home. Blah. I wanna go to the beach this week.

Edit the Sad Parts

I really hate that feeling of your heart sinking into your stomach, and then your throat constricts... And when it constricts, you feel that large ball that you try to fight off so you don't cry. I did promise myself I wasn't going to cry. So here I am keeping one promise to myself... I deserve that much... But if I cry? What does that mean? Do I give up? Or does it mean my heart will move out of my stomach? It's been there too long, and I told myself I was never going to be in this place again.

I just hate when things dawn on you. Or when things don't need to dawn. They're just there. And there's no ignoring them, or no excuse to be made for them because it's there...loud and clear.

I'm tired of caring. I really am. About this and that, and that and this. Seriously. I really need to hold to it when I say "I've turned bitter.", and just be bitter and alone and tell everyone and everything to FUCK OFF. Sometimes I'm SURE that my only way out of it all is if I just peace out and forget everyone's names and faces, and forget all the places and things I've come to love. When I die, it's not like I can it all with me, so why cling onto it now?

What the fuck is here to keep me from moving to Italy? Or maybe just Hawaii? Nothing, and no one. I can be easily forgotten about, so I should just do the same. Apparently everyone really is out to save their own asses, so I should just do the same.

I'm always the one who wants to create a good cycle of "what goes around comes around", and so here I live trying to put a good go around so I can get a good come around... And for what? Nothing. Why live trying to please people who people can't even do the same for me.

I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode with all the things I am thinking that I shamefully enabling my body to feel. I don't want to feel any emotion, because once I do that, I let my emotions run my trains of thought, and I'd rather be a numb, logical, bitch.

So I guess my current attempt is to not run from everything... But not care. I don't want to degrade myself anymore in my attempt to to not run/not care/but care/and run (it's my vicious cycle...), but to genuinelly say FUCK YOU to 99% of the people I know, but not in a way that's to protect myself. Just a fuck you, I only need myself and stay out of my face real type of feeling... If that makes sense.

I can't care about things and/or people anymore. It's not worth it. It's not worth having friends, lovers, jobs, or money. It all goes a way in a snap of a selfish finger.



"Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I needed to say

If you stand in a circle
Then you'll all have a back to bite
Back logged voices on the 7 wonders
We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now
A communication from the one lined joke
A stand up comic and a rock musician
Making so much noise you don't know when to listen..."

Why...

...am I always second best? I can't stand it.

I know I am THE best. I know I am different than most. I am what can be trusted. But I guess it's on thing to know it than truly show it...

If time is my vessel, then learning to love might be my way back to sea
The flying, the metal, but turning above these are just ways to be seen

We all get paid
Yeah some get faith before they die
Then through stars we will navigate
Through the holes in your eyes

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?

Oh abandon...

Oh so swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
You move with me, I'll treat you right
May our bodies remain

There is love to be made
So just stay here for this while
Perhaps heartstrings resuscitate
The fading sounds of your life

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?

Oh abandon...

So swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
As deep we move I'll feed you light baby
May our bodies remain
In history I'll treat you right maybe
I'm honest that way, hey!

Swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain

Monday

-Woke up and cleaned up around the house, and hung out with the family. Kinda nice. I rarely see my brother anymore. And I just am thankful to have my parents, siblings, nephew, and brother-in-law in tact, you know?
-Got ready all early cause Liz told me to... And her and Andy took 12 years to get ready...
-I went to Target, but didn't go in, so I went to the mall instead. I really wanted to see Johnny, but he wasn't working. Dumb boy called in sick.
-I went to Liz's. She gave me our Beft Friend necklaces that are charmed by H30 filters.
-Liz and I went to Albertsons and picked up some Heritage and went over to Bad Habit Bike Shop for that benefit show.
- We took shots. And then took some more shots. Went in. And took some more shots and listened to Samson by Regina Spektor and Debbie Downed our asses.
-We went back into the show. But before we did that, we popped a squat. It was romantic watching eachother urinate and drip dry. P.S. Carlee Hendrix, I am in love with you. You're funny and beautiful and sing like a dream.
-Liz and I went to Burger King. Bomb. We had the drizzy munchies. We talked some good boy talk. Oy. And then Matthew and Andy joined us.
-I took Liz home and then took Andy to buy alcohol at Food 4 Less. It was quite the challenge. You see, whiskey is good with coke, and gin is good with juice, but vodka is just much better with juice and coke, AND it's far more of a breakfast drink than gin and whiskey. Prestige will forever hold our hearts, fyi.
-I took Andy home, and then I came home and am now in bed with a few final thoughts...
*I really need to keep to not drinking. It doesn't make me happy. And I'm changing, and that needs to come along with my change.
*People are beautiful... It was amazing how everyone took time out of their day to go to the benefit show and support that gentleman. He'll surely be prayed for this evening.

Ajjkqwjekqw

Why is everything so fucked up? And why is it that I always know what I want, but I can never get it, be it, or win it?

Sunday

-Got ready for like 35 hours. I barely wore any make-up, so I really don't know why it took so long. I do know I hate that though. I mean, why do I take so damn long?
-I had lunch with my mom, sisters, brother-in-law, and nephew. Alvaro reeeally likes to start arguments with me. It drives me nuts. I may not have a bad temper, but I will be quick to snap at an attempt to push my buttons.
-I hung out with Bonnie. We talked. I'm far too much of a typical, insecure girl. I don't even know what to do with myself. But man, she always goes to show how much I need her. We went to the Indoor Swapmeet in Coachella. I saw baby turtles and bought ghetto ass jewelry... MY FAVORITE.
-Came home and hung out with the family some more.
-I have had THE MOST boring weekend imaginable. I should have just taken Andy to The Glasshouse tonight. But oh well.
-I think I'm gonna read my Bible now. I've got a major void eating away at me.

Song to Say Goodbye

Dear you,

I think it's time to let you know how I really feel...

You see, I can really get over things. I've done so before, and did so again, but what I can't get over is the nerve you have. I never was malicious towards you, or cruel. I wanted to give you everything, and showed you nothing but love, yet you have the nerve to continue to be rude to me when I never did anything to you. I try to be nice to you, though you're one of the people who doesn't deserve any respect, and you actually continue to spit in my face. You don't deserve anything I've given, or said to you with behavior like yours.
I don't know who you think you are, and who you think I am, that you have that right. You should be apologizing to me, and I should be spitting on you. For 8 months, you drug me along for your sick and twisted games, when I told you how I felt. And you didn't have the slightest ounce of good heart to stop. As long as youuu got yours, who gives a fuck about Lauren? She's just some dog with no feelings...
I just can't believe that you can't be cordial to me when I did NOTHING to you. And I had nothing but respect for you for the longest time. And all the things I told you, and all the nights I spent trying to make you feel some ounce of happiness, and nothing... No respect for me then, and no respect for me now.
I hate you. I really do. I hate you for making me trust you. I hate you for leading me on. I hate our old friendship, and I hate how that old friendship made me believe that you could be trusted. I hate you for all the memories I have (the good, and the bad). I hate you for turning me into such a stupid girl. I hate you for blinding me. I hate you for not treating me like the gold that I am, and making me think that maybe I wasn't, because I took our "friendship" to heart. And I hate you for making me hate people and lack any trust that I can't function normally in a relationship. And I hate you for all these pieces I broke into and was left to pick up, while your arrogant ass just laughs and pisses through life.
I wish I could take back all those nice things I'd tell you, and words of wisdom. And I can't. And I wish I listened to you when you'd tell me that I was too good for you. And you know why? Because I am. I would never treat you as you treated me, or anyone.
You KNEW how I felt, and you could have fucked all those other girls (that you did), and left me alone. You didn't NEED to do that to me. You didn't need to throw away our friendship. You didn't need to "persue things" with me. You didn't need to tell me what a beautiful person I am. Or how it hurt you to hear me suffering. You didn't need to tell me to be patient with you. You didn't need to talk to me alllll night and day and tell me all the things you did just to walk away in a cruel and heartless way showing no remorse. But I guess it's all the things you'll say to feel like you have all the control.
And you know what? You win. You were right. You're no good. I hope you're happy that the ONE person who defended you and saw how pure you could be hates you and thinks you're the worst thing that could have happened. Thanks for taking advantage of my vulnerability and using the heartache of my dog and family and stress and your humor to your own advantage. It's greatly appreciated.
And you know what is really sad? It's sad that I care enough for you as a human that I do hope you grow-up and follow through with things and figure out what it's like to respect people. And I hate knowing that I can count on you never wishing the same for me. And it's sad that I still hope that you'll prove me wrong after finally believing everything everyone said you are. And it must be because I still value you somewhere and all you taught me about how fucked up the world is. Now I'm able to watch myself. And one last thought... If you never cared, you shouldn't have pretended. If you didn't love me, you should have let me go.

Saturday

-I woke up at Bonnie's and took pictures with Clark, her pitbull. He's a beast.
-It was early and the whole house was asleep, except for Anthony, so I decided to go home, even though I was waaay hungover.
-I came home and talked to my mom and sister for a bit.
-I needed to be productive, so I decided to clean out my make-up case.
-My sister and I went to lunch/dinner at Chipotle. Bomb.
-Came home and cleaned two b
athrooms, and swept, and vacuumed.
-Andy and Liz came over to my house, and we watched Mean Girls and Cluless while I got ready. Andy was really good with the lines.
-I did my make-up, and Andy got jealous and put red lipstick on. He looked really pretty.
-We went to some show and took some shots and argued before going into the show.
-The house it was at smelled like sex, penis, and tortillas, so we peaced out and went to La Estancia.
-We didn't end up going in due to not being ghetto dancers, lack of and ID, and a flake friend.
-We did keep doing our deep talk, which was very vital.
-Now I am home.

Friday

-I went to work
-At work, I scored a nanny type position for the summer with one of our clients who has a BLACK AMERICAN EXPRESS credit card. Think about the money this guy has... I am pretty hyped.
-I went to the mall, and bought a compact. Spending $26.94 kicks my ass. Seriously. But I cannot bring myself to buy Target make-up. SO I'll continue to clog my pores with the expensive stuff.
-I went home, and took a short nap.
-I pissed some time away with my sisters and nephew.
-I went to Petco...again. Second time in one week. Vowww.
-Came home and got ready.
-I met Bonnie at the mall.
-We went to The Shadow Ridge Marriott and partied in a villa. It was way nice.
-It was Josh's (Whitney's boyfriend) 21st Birthday, so there was a ton of liquor and beer.
-Reuniting with Whitney was amazing. Like reeeally amazing.
-And it was really nice seeing old friends from high school and playing King's Cup.
-I suck at King's Cup. I get so hammered I don't even let the rules cross my mind. Especially when no cussing is a rule. People hate being my "mate" cause they always have to drink when I do, and I always have to drink
-I don't remember much, but I remember deciding I wanted to pass out.
-Bonnie and I went and laid in a room and kept saying, "Shhhhhh." We thought it was hilarious, and they thought we were lesbians.
-Bonnie is the best, by the way (LIZ, I DID NOT CHEAT ON YOU).
-Security kept having to come to tell us to be quiet, so Jackie, Bonnie, Al, and I left.
-Bonnie and I had a really good talk that we just needed.
-We got Jack-In-The-Box and looked at yearbooks.
-I threw up and passed out, on account of drankin to much vodka. I should mention that Smirnoff is like water. I'm so used to the plastic handles that I didn't know something could be semi-pleasant.
-Smirnoff always kicks my ass though. I'm pretty sure I can really only drink Skovar, Caliber, Prestige, Popov, and Dr. K.
A night of success.

Fuck Was I

Love grows in me like a tumor
Parasite bent on devouring it's host
I'm developing my sense of humor
Til I can laugh at my heart between your teeth
Til I can laugh at my face beneath your feet
Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
MAYBE I'LL BE THE LUCKY ONE THAT DOESN'T GET BURNED
What the fuck was I thinking?
Love plows through me like dozer
I've got more give than a bail of hay
And there's always a big mess left over of what did you do? And what did you say?
What did you do? And what did you say?
Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
MAYBE I'LL BE THE LUCKY ONE THAT DOESN'T GET BURNED
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
Love tears me up like a demon
Opens the wounds
And fills them with lead
And I'm having trouble just breathin
If we weren't such good friends, I think that I'd hate you
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead
Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
MAYBE I'LL BE THE LUCKY ONE THAT DOESN'T GET BURNED
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
That is so embarrassing
I'M JUST THIS AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE THING
I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?

Thursday

-Was woken up by Nicholas talking and playing with my hair. He's like really funny.
-Went to work.
-Had my favorite client... She tips $20 for a shampoo.
-Went to lunch with Maily. It was fun.
-Went back to the salon and colored Sylvia's hair. She's good to talk to.
-Went home.
-Jacked off.
-SIIIKE.
-Ran some errands for my mom, before getting bitched out.
-Swept the tile, and did some dishes.
-Picked up Andy and met Liz and Wal-Mart.
-I Debbie Downed it, and drank some H30.
-We picked up Cory.
-Went to the park in the cove and swung on the swings.
-Went back to Cory's and I asked Kim if I could sleep in the bed with her and Kelly.
-She said no.
-Liz took Andy and I back to my car.
-Andy and I went to Wal-Mart, and he took 12 years picking out chips, wine, and vodka. Fuck his ass.
-Andy is reeeeally funny, by the way.
-I dropped him off at home.
-I came home...and am currently thinking, "Why do I even drink?"... and, "WOW, LIFE IS BORING like this..."

Monday-Wednesday

I guess I've been doing this all wrong, and am supposed to be doing this like Andy and Liz...

Monday
-I procrastinated in my getting ready, but I did.
-I picked up Michael to go to his cousin's band's practice.
-I wanted to drink, naturally, but Michael said, "It's Monday.", and didn't want to drink, and I didn't want to drink alone. So I didn't drink.
-We went to Petsmart and Petco, in search for puppies. There weren't any.
-I did ge to see rats, mice, hamsters, and guinea pigs though. I wanted them all. He liked the stupid chinchilla. I didn't. He wants one. I don't.
-We sat in front of his house and made-out. Haha. It was nice. And then we made it official.
-I went home.
-I forgot what else.

Tuesday
-I thought I was going to work, so I woke up all early. How embarrassing.
-I ended up going to Michael's.
-He was sick and I was sick, so we stayed at the house and watched Mean Girls, and some TV shows.
-Mean Girls was a hoot.
-He was being cute and funny, I guess.
-We made out.
-And then we made out.
-Oh, and then we made out.
-It's kinda nice being sober.
-Liz and I were supposed to go to the bump and grind, but bitch hoe had cramps. So we didn't.
-I ended up going home.

Wednesday
-I went to work, and worked, and then got my hair colored. Black, of course.
-I was supposed to hang out with Asscar. But we didn't end up doing so.
-I went to Liz's when I got off. We danced scandalously.
-We had a battle of calling Andy.
-I was an 9 year old boy named Ping, and Andy wanted me.
-He was actually being really funny.
-Liz and I picked up Carlos, and went to Albertson's. The sign was broken, and we made jokes about it. They're not really that funny if you weren't there.
-Liz, Carlos, and I went to The River. We sat in the car talking about penis sizes. It was cool.
-They drank vodka. I didn't. How boring.
-Wilber and Andy ended up meeting us, making it an even cooler, larger car/River party.
-Andy was funny. Wilber was polite.
-I love them both. And Carlos.
-I hate Liz.
-Wilber has good hair. Carlos' eyes are hawt.
-Andy parted his hair to the side, and slicked it back. It was so funny. He looked like David.
-We took pictures.
-We ventured into The River.
-Liz and I went through Andres' text messages. There wasn't anything interesting. Boring.
-It was fun, but I decided to leave.
-I went home.

Tereza and Tomas.

I did it. I decided to say yes. I have a boyfriend. It's weird. I haven't had the actual titled "boyfriend" since March or April of 2005. It's been a long time, and I gotta say, it's nice. It's nice knowing someone wants to talk to you, and wants to see you, and wants to show you off, and wants to call you their own, and wants to just simply care. And it's also nice to kiss someone sober. Haha. I like actually being coherent. I haven't had a sober kiss since like January.

But it's more than just the kiss. It's the fact that the kiss isn't to lead to more. Normally it's like you kiss someone to stimulate them, and they kiss you to do the same, then you get worked up, cross that line. And that's that. You don't go anywhere. But here, it's finally like safe ground for kissing. It doesn't have to go further because the point of the kisses aren't for arousel and sex. And I almost feel secure.

I feel secure in the way he looks at me alone. The way he just wants to admire. And it's sad because I almost get weirded out when he does, when all along, guys should have been doing that with me. I AM gold, and should be looked at like I am. I am not some copper colored bead, I am all pure, gold.

And I appreciate his self-control, and him not pressuring me. It shows he respects me. And I appreciate his maturity. And I appreciate his effort. He worked pretty hard, and he won.

I kinda lost my train of thought, but the point is, I have a boyfriend. And I am happy.

The PLACE I Have Come to Fear the Most

The question of "Are you scared to fall in love?" has always been asked, and I've never really understood why people would be. I mean, you fall in love, it's over, it's life, it happens... I almost thought it was silly to be fearful. And now I have thought about it, and I've come to terms that I am. I never thought I'd reach such a place. It's a place in life that I cannot believe I am in, and really don't know how to get out of it...

I find myself just thinking of all the things that can go wrong and reasons why something just can't work, and never the reasons why, just to avoid having to entertain the idea of loving someone and having someone love me in return. I'm so scared of getting hurt and having my heart and mind shattered into millions of pieces that I don't know how to put back together easily again that I just really avoid it at all costs.

Love is what we're all ultimately looking for, I believe, and it's no wonder we fall apart when it's over. I don't think it's wrong by any means. It just shows how powerful it is, and how vital it is, and how love and expressions of it should not be taken lightly.

And when I think about love, I want it, and feel I need it. But when it falls into my lap, I can't deal with it. The last time I decided to just let go and let it come over me, I wound up hurt. And I don't want to go through it again. I don't. No parts of it. It's like a waste of time if it's not going to end in marriage, you know? Like all the moments you didn't get things done because you were distracted by them, in a good or bad way, are wastes of time. I can never gain all the things I did not do during those times of being in love back, and I hate that. Because I didn't wind up with who I wanted. And now I have nothing to show for those days, and it really makes me upset.

So what if I go through with it again... And I get hurt again...

I'll wind up more tainted and scared than I am now.

Oh, god, and the ex-girlfriends never go away. And you know that the ex-girlfriend will be in the back of your mind when you're in bed knowing that they've been in the same place that you are, when they shouldn't, because sex should really only be shared with one person. And it never goes away. That stupid ghost will forever lurk there, and that reason in itself is a reason to avoid entertaining a relationship, or love.

And then you know that that person is going to be changing. And I'll be changing. And some how you're supposed to grow with eachother without killing one another, and that's scary. Because you can't just walk out once you decide you want to be someone else because why would you waste their time, and have them waste yours?

It's just all too scary. And almost not worth it for the reason that it can end in the snap of a finger... One bad comment... One kiss... One lie... One bad action...