This Year's Love

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

We had

our first trial. And the hour it lasted was the most suffocatingly frightening hour. Every burden that had been lifted by him was back on times 10.

And then all was clear and beautiful.

It was a reality of how far in I am and that I don't know how I could live my life without him, and I surely don't want to, and we surely won't be without each other.

You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I've gotta say-you really got a way
You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see... you got a way with me

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love's made of
It's in the way we make love

You've got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There's no way to measure what your love is worth
I can't believe the way you get through to me

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love's made of
It's in the way we make love

Oh, how I adore you
Like no one before you
I love you just the way you are

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love's made of
It's in the way we make love

It's just the way you are

Xanax

Afraid of an airplane
Of a car swerving in the lane
Of a dark cloud too low
Of being swept away by the undertow
Of a building tumbling down
Of the dream when it's underground
Of the icy mountain roads
We have to take to get to the show

There's just a time when we must all let go the breath that we hold
There's just a time when we must all let go the breath that we hold
But not the unknown
We have to let go

Afraid when the phone rings
Another breath of life has ceased
It seems, it's just lost so easily
Afraid my heart it beats too slow
Or that I died and just didn't know
Or of the fate I will have to choose
And I'm afraid of how much I love you

There's just a time when we must all let go the breath that we hold
There's just a time when we must all let go the breath that we hold
But not the unknown
We have to let go
It's just now that I've found
A place where I can breathe
It's just now that I've found
A place where I can sleep
It's just now that I've found
A place where I can breathe
It's just now that I've found
Place where I can sleep

Each day

I fall harder and harder and harder for him...


Today, I woke up scared. I know there's no turning back now.

My heart is definitely on the line.

"Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to..."

This is what it's like...

...since my last this is what it's like post on March 4th.

It's like I have this faith that God really did make someone for me. Like he molded him with me in mind. And that I was molded with him in mind.

I don't know how to explain it. I've never felt this before. Sure, I've been in love. Sure, I've thought it could last. But there wasn't this feeling of being made for each other. It was more like feelings happened out of convenience.

The things he says to me blow my mind. It's like he's been crawling around in my brain for years and took everything I could ever dreamed of being told and is speaking them.

Yes, it's like that. Without knowing it's what I want to hear, he says it. It's like he's known me for forever. I've heard people say such things but couldn't begin to fathom what it was like, and I couldn't really figure out what it meant.

But God...that's what it's like. It's like he's known me forever and that he was designed for me. What more could I want?

This distance kills me, but at the same time, it gives me more faith in us. We can both continue to strengthen ourselves with God so that when we are together, we don't screw up.

This weekend was beyond amazing with him. I was so scared that all of the feelings I was feeling came from not being able to see him, and that it was all too good to be true, but that wasn't the case. The sparks were still there while we were together. The smile was plastered to my face. The fire in my heart burned and burned and burned, and it's continuing to burn and grow.

I think about it all and it feels surreal. I feel so lucky to have that surreal feeling. It was that good.

He traced the lines of my face. He kissed me and knelt beside me. He's everything I've dreamed of, and more. I didn't know I could have it this good.

I pray for us everyday.

Girls, I hope you stop and search for this. This feeling compares to nothing else. The respect, and the pure love. The love that isn't caught up with lust.

Everything I feel makes me feel so funny, and different. Like I was laying in bed with him stroking his face and his hair...examining it all, and taking it all in, and in something so small, I felt this rush and emotions flooded over me. There was something in touching him like that that made me feel so...warm, romantic, loving, happy, grateful... Just everything.

Basically what it's like is I'm always feeling these feelings that I didn't know existed.

Miss him

so much already.

Blah.

We'll bathe in rose petals, red
And lie in violet lilac beds
And through the darkness of the night
We'll watch our future shining bright
And out of everyone I've met
It's you I can't forget

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

And in the shadows of the night
I'll trace your silhouette in candlelight
And if you fall asleep when you rise
I'll be there to kiss your eyes

And now my heart is in your hand
So baby, understand

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

So don't cry, Angel, I
Will stay the whole night through
Forevermore, I'll be loving you

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

So don't cry, Angel, I
Will stay the whole night through
Forevermore, I'll be loving you

Forevermore, I'll be loving you

You know it's good when

they bring out the better side of you.

My sister and I have gotten along so much better lately.

He brings out this happy, radiant, mature side of me.

My sister has even noticed.

I text her telling her I love her and that I felt like we'd gotten closer over the last few weeks and she said she's felt the same and overjoyed and has been telling everyone the same thing.

And he brings out this side of me where I feel nothing but true compassion. Hearing him hurt makes me hurt. And I hate it. I feel the ache for people I'm closest to, and he's become that.

Cause I'm lookin for my friend,

now I got you, got you.

Don't you let me let me go tonight.

Dry my eyes, dry my eyes, I'm fallin deeper by the hour.

"I forget my problems...

....when I'm thinkin or talkin to you...love it."

<3

We get better by the minute.

<3

"The chemistry here is outrageous...and I wanna pursue it. Look...what I'm tryin to say is...I like you Ms. Morales, I do."

We talked on the phone from 11-2 or 3, and texted til after 4. I could talk to him for forever.

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and
served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the
ancient brick where you will sit and
contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you
start drowning in an open tab when your
judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
albums back as your lying there drifting off
to sleep.
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what
heredity's done to you: you won't have to
strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch cold.

I want to take you far away from the cynics in this
town and kiss you on the mouth.
we'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of
this scene, start a brand new colony
where everything will change, we'll give
ourselves new names, identities erased.
the sun will heat the grounds under our bare
feet in this brand new colony.

everything will change...

Every single day,

he makes me happier and happier.

My heart is in my throat. He evokes emotions inside of me I didn't even know existed.

I can't wait to see him.

The thought of our first kiss makes me feel so funny in so many ways. I haven't had that built up first kiss in a very long time. The last person I kissed was the last person I'd been kissing for a few months, and we never had that exciting first kiss. We were drunk and it just happened. Where this...this is like gonna be one of those situations where when we kiss, I'll melt into him. I know I will.

I know it'll be one of those kisses where your heart is fluttering and you get tongue tied with nervousness when it's time to talk.

I think about that amazing feeling and get all like giddy and funny and weird. My sister and I were talking about it today, and we both were like obnoxious girls who kicked and giggled excitedly about it. She totally loves him. There's nothing to not love though. He's so good. And I showed her a picture, and she was like, "He's really cute. I want to look, but he makes me so nervous. I can't look at him!" I think she's so relieved that I've met someone so good. She loves me so much and hates seeing me with stupid guys. She's like my other mother, ya know, so she's just so happy that I'm so happy, and rightfully happy because he's everything someone could ever want.

Anyway... 4 days.

Yes, I have really become this cheesy...

Oh, this is the start of something good, don’t you agree?
I haven’t felt like this in so many moons, you know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive, they keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire, This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You’re so hypnotic on my heart

So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything that’s ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything that’s ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it
You’re so hypnotic on my heart

So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I’ll see you everyday

So since you want to be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

You’re gonna have to follow
Oh, this is the start of something good, don’t you agree?

Going through my old blogs..

...depresses me. I've got some sad stuff in here.

"Dear you,

I think it's time to let you know how I really feel...

You see, I can really get over things. I've done so before, and did so again, but what I can't get over is the nerve you have. I never was malicious towards you, or cruel. I wanted to give you everything, and showed you nothing but love, yet you have the nerve to continue to be rude to me when I never did anything to you. I try to be nice to you, though you're one of the people who doesn't deserve any respect, and you actually continue to spit in my face. You don't deserve anything I've given, or said to you with behavior like yours.
I don't know who you think you are, and who you think I am, that you have that right. You should be apologizing to me, and I should be spitting on you. For 8 months, you drug me along for your sick and twisted games, when I told you how I felt. And you didn't have the slightest ounce of good heart to stop. As long as youuu got yours, who gives a fuck about Lauren? She's just some dog with no feelings...
I just can't believe that you can't be cordial to me when I did NOTHING to you. And I had nothing but respect for you for the longest time. And all the things I told you, and all the nights I spent trying to make you feel some ounce of happiness, and nothing... No respect for me then, and no respect for me now.
I hate you. I really do. I hate you for making me trust you. I hate you for leading me on. I hate our old friendship, and I hate how that old friendship made me believe that you could be trusted. I hate you for all the memories I have (the good, and the bad). I hate you for turning me into such a stupid girl. I hate you for blinding me. I hate you for not treating me like the gold that I am, and making me think that maybe I wasn't, because I took our "friendship" to heart. And I hate you for making me hate people and lack any trust that I can't function normally in a relationship. And I hate you for all these pieces I broke into and was left to pick up, while your arrogant ass just laughs and pisses through life.
I wish I could take back all those nice things I'd tell you, and words of wisdom. And I can't. And I wish I listened to you when you'd tell me that I was too good for you. And you know why? Because I am. I would never treat you as you treated me, or anyone.
You KNEW how I felt, and you could have fucked all those other girls (that you did), and left me alone. You didn't NEED to do that to me. You didn't need to throw away our friendship. You didn't need to "persue things" with me. You didn't need to tell me what a beautiful person I am. Or how it hurt you to hear me suffering. You didn't need to tell me to be patient with you. You didn't need to talk to me alllll night and day and tell me all the things you did just to walk away in a cruel and heartless way showing no remorse. But I guess it's all the things you'll say to feel like you have all the control.
And you know what? You win. You were right. You're no good. I hope you're happy that the ONE person who defended you and saw how pure you could be hates you and thinks you're the worst thing that could have happened. Thanks for taking advantage of my vulnerability and using the heartache of my dog and family and stress and your humor to your own advantage. It's greatly appreciated.
And you know what is really sad? It's sad that I care enough for you as a human that I do hope you grow-up and follow through with things and figure out what it's like to respect people. And I hate knowing that I can count on you never wishing the same for me. And it's sad that I still hope that you'll prove me wrong after finally believing everything everyone said you are. And it must be because I still value you somewhere and all you taught me about how fucked up the world is. Now I'm able to watch myself. And one last thought... If you never cared, you shouldn't have pretended. If you didn't love me, you should have let me go."

I know that I'm in a different place, but it makes me really angry that I spent so much time being sad. It makes me angry I can't get those days back. But I can't change it, so I need to let my anger go...

Use Somebody

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know
And how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night
While you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me
Somebody

Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody

What do you do when...

...you're stuck in the valley with 2 people you can't fucking stand, and everywhere you turn they're right there? I really despise them both for their lack of common courtesy, but I'm trapped, and I hate it. So much. First low in a while.

Just letting it be known

that waking up every morning is easier because of YOU.

P.S.

I actually know I'm never going back. I actually know I won't ifs, ands, or butts or coulda, shoulda, wouldas.

I've been saved.

I've always felt a part of me wonder if I could fall again, and I know I won't. I couldn't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't, and won't want to/ EVER.

I thought...

I blew it. In fact, I know I blew it with someone who could have been really great.
I couldn't change.

At first, I was so sad by that fact that I lost out on someone great, but I'm happy I couldn't otherwise I wouldn't have been brought to him, and where I am now.

So much is opening up in my mind that every flawed relationship has created each detail in my spine that has stacked and made me stand straight, tall, and proud.

I'm happy. We both talked about how happy we are this evening. And I am happy he's happy.

For the first time, I'm in something that's not backwards. We're building some foundation. I've never really had this. We are moving forward, not doing some dance with sidesteps, or back steps. We move forward. We actually communicate too. In fact, we have great communication. And honesty. Such honesty.

I pray for him everyday. I pray for us too. No matter what kind of us it may be, I pray. I pray for him. I pray for myself. I pray for what we could become. I just pray.

I think I'm putting all my chips in.

I may get really hurt. REALLY hurt. But this is worth a shot-- you know, keeping myself involved. Not running before I find out what it could or couldn't be.

I'm so emotionally satisfied by our talking. It's because we're doing this right. I have no reason to feel empty.



This is how it feels...good. Safe. Healthy.

Sometimes the only way is jumping,

I hope you're not afraid of heights.

It feels like

my heart is racing at an uncontrollable rate.

And it feels like knowing you makes carrying the load on my back 100x lighter.

I'd like to ask where have you been all this time...

He gets

better and better every, single day. How's it possible?

I've never met anyone like him before.

What they call love is a risk,
'Cause you will always get hit
Out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.

I fell

asleep reeeally early, but got a late phone call, and now I can't sleep. I didn't want to keep him up though, but now I'm bored

11 days. I can't wait. Anticipation is eating me alive.

We are gonna go look at puppies. Not to buy or anything, but to look.

How perfect right?

He was bored and tired of my laments
Said I'd die for you one time, but never again.

This is...

...me. This is me on a Sunday, bumming the day as much as possible. This is me straight of the shower. That's me in my Natural Habitat.

I'm ok with me. I've never loved myself so much in my life. I've never loved people more and I've never worked harder. I feel like an adult. And I find myself coming to be a lady.

I love myself. This is where I've been needing to get, and here I am.

March 20th

isn't getting here quick enough.

akejwrkwerklejdjsg.

I'm so anxious I can hardly relaaaxxx.

I'm so anxious, I have my outfit planned out for my plane ride.

He's the sweetest thing and I can't wait to spend time with him. And I can't wait to have San Francisco Debauchery with my BEST FRIEND: Round 2.

I couldn't be

more excited, and I couldn't be more nervous.

I'm not sure why I'm nervous.

But I am.

I don't think I'm going to relax until I am picked up from the airport. =]

It's going to be the best pick up EVER.

Let it Fall

So I weep
So I weep
So I weep
So I weep
In my weakest moments I weep
'Cause I like the way, tears fit my cheek
In my darkest moments I cry
Oh how I love the way, tears suits my face
I like it salt
I like it wet
Like my makeup in a mess
So I cry hard
Let it fall
And I won't stop until my tears are all shed
So I weep
So I weep
So I weep
So I weep
In my joyous moments I moan
'Cause it feels so good when I let my water flow
Drip drop, and I cannot stop
Can't stop, no I said no
Drip drop, and I cannot stop
Can't stop
I cry for you, cry for you
I cry because I cannot help it
So it runs, yes it falls
And ain't no stopping at all
I like it salt
I like it wet
Like my makeup in a mess
So I cry hard
Let it fall
And I won't stop until my tears are all shed
So I weep
So I weep
So I weep
So I weep
Let it fall

It's like this.

It's like I've been with so many jerks (so many inconsiderate, confused, selfish JERKS) to get to this point of knowing I deserve someone like him.

And maybe it won't work out. And maybe it'll make me really sad. But at least I'll never go back to dating scum of the earth because nothing compares to this feeling of feeling honored to get to have someone like him in my life.

I usually think that a guy is lucky to be with me, but this time I feel lucky to even get to hear their voice on top of knowing they care. I actually feel honored.

And it's like the second I get sad about knowing it's over with another, I catch myself snapping instantly out of it because he saved me from the hurt I was getting myself into... There's so much hurt with someone who won't surely include you in their future.

And I feel honored that there is no sick past or rumors of a disgusting past to worry about.

I"m on a high. I hope this feeling never goes away.

And I like that I can pray for him. Yes, I could pray for everyone, but not everyone knows God the way he does that it just feels more right.

Yeah. It's like that.

Saying good-bye,

while giving a hello.

Kind of sad. But this feels really good.

The sadness will pass...

I hope.

I'm watching Sex and The City right now and the scene where Samantha and Richard are dancing by the pool to Sade's By Your Side is on.

It makes me so sad to see, but it's so good. Samantha finally lets her guard down in the scene and her eyes water because she actually cares for Richard.

It's so sad how tainted we women get that we put ourselves in so many fucked up relationships that we put up these walls and it takes the life out of us to let them down for potentially great guys.

Anywho, I think I have my Aiden. I don't want to lose my Aiden and go back to my Mr. Big. Just a thought.

I have to be careful.