A Revelation

I think I am finally growing up. I'm not sure what is going on that I keep having these divine interventions of change in my thought process, but man am I.

I was watching Superbad on Friday night and it hit me like a raging slap across the face that I have been SO unattractive in my party habits. It was the girl that Michael Cera's character was going after who just embarrassed me. She plays being drunk and stupid so well. When you're in her place, you think, "Oo, I'm drunk and I'm cute and I'm drunk so making an ass out of myself is ok.", when in reality it's like you're really just annoying, stupid, and drunk and not even a little cute.

And then the other night, I was shown how unattractive I have been through another person's behavior. They were drunk and doing stupid stuff that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend, and it was like geese, we are over 20 years old acting like we're 16. They reminded me of Patrick and it irritated me so much. I never want to go back to being 16, and all of the embarrassment that came along with that age for myself and fellow 16 year olds, and there it was...it was like being 16 again with the silly behavior of theirs. But who was I to get irritated and find them unappealing when that's been my behavior for the last 4 years... And I felt bad at the same time for being annoying. At least I was able to understand where they had been coming from though. I guess.

There it was. A reality check. A complete reality check of what the fuck am I doing and how stupid is this life?

Maybe it's because of what my family is going through that I'm seeing the light. Or maybe it's because of my latest drunken behavior and my not being able to have a relationship because I can't be taken seriously due to it. Or maybe it's because I really am growing up.

Starting next week, I'm going to be working 2 jobs and going to school full-time. I am stepping up to the plate big time. No one is going to make my dreams come true other than myself, and I've come to accept that I may lose my social life right now to do it. But the harder I work now, the sooner I will be making more money, and when I am making that much money, I am going to have all the fun in the world seeing the world.

I'm counting on doing this alone because people just aren't dependable, but I do hope to find a man who will embark upon tasting different cultures with me. It'd be amazing to share those memories with someone, and say you've made love to them in so many different places of the world. And have pictures holding hands in front of landmarks.

I'm kind of falling of my original topic though...

It's just that it has sunk in how stupid drinking is. Look at all the relationships that have had to pay prices because of it... It gets in the way by starting fights, or making someone overly loving, or not loving enough. Or it makes people cheat. And people lose their lives over it too.

I know there is such thing as drinking in moderation, but as our generation falls apart even more, moderation goes out the window and we all drink so we can't see straight or walk upright. And we can't even treat ourselves with an ounce of respect when we are that drunk.

It's odd thinking this way about alcohol when I have loved it for so long. But it does feel good to be this enlightened.

I also realized that I am supposed to be married at 23 to have my first baby by the time I am 28, and guess what? I am 20. I have 3 years to get married. 3!! That's nothing. I really need to get my game face on and set my priorities. There is no way I can have my FIRST baby after the time I am 30.


Anyway, the pearl earrings are back on, and my Jackie-O type of class is coming back into action. I'm getting a pearl bracelet for my 21st birthday to go with that class. That bracelet is my wedding day bracelet, FYI.

Oh! And my parents also told me I can get a new car in the next couple of months... Maturity totally pays off. Thank God for my revelations.

By the way, if you're game to be in my new found life, be in it. If you're not, byyye. I don't have time or energy to be brought down anymore. I'll never go back to that place where I couldn't enjoy things because I was so worried about stupid people. Just saying.

That..

...may have been a little dramatic, but it is mostly true.

I really am upset with the time of mine you wasted and my hope that you played with.

2+ months is too much time to string someone along in this short of a life.

Is it really that difficult to be considerate of another human beings feelings?

Here's a big fuck you.

Fuck you for getting my hopes up.
Fuck you for using me.
Fuck you for wasting my fucking time
Fuck you for being a liar.
Fuck you for making me feel bad about myself when you obviously couldn't sacrifice some time.
Fuck you.
Fuck you. Seriously. You're another typical guy. I want to cry my eyes out with frustration and regret and disappointment, but maybe I've done that too much over the last couple of years.

Fuck you for making me feel sad. FUCK YOU.

You could be a little more considerate.

I'm sorry I'm so insufficient.