God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town
When every thursday I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.
God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what I always hated
When I was with you then
We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside
And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer than anyone would ever get
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Why
do I know so many douche bags?
I've got two right off.
The Number 1 douche in my life text me again.
What do we have left to say to each other?
Nothing.
I wish heee was here. Why is the good one so far away?
I've got two right off.
The Number 1 douche in my life text me again.
What do we have left to say to each other?
Nothing.
I wish heee was here. Why is the good one so far away?
I wish
I never met you. I wish I never let you touch me. I wish I could take everything back. I wish you played no part in my life. You've hurt me and I despise you.
Thank you for being so inconsiderate in my presence.
Go fuck yourself and all those nasty ass girls that you have fucked before. Have fun. Good luck in life.
You're making me sick.
I thought so much better of you until now. What did I ever do to you to have you treat me like garbage?
Thank you for being so inconsiderate in my presence.
Go fuck yourself and all those nasty ass girls that you have fucked before. Have fun. Good luck in life.
You're making me sick.
I thought so much better of you until now. What did I ever do to you to have you treat me like garbage?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I can't
stand you anymore. Seriously. You make me sick to my stomach.
And you'll probably be surprised knowing I mean you, and not them.
And you'll probably be surprised knowing I mean you, and not them.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I can't believe...
...I used to tolerate feeling this way. Weekend after weekend after weekend for FOREVER. Sad stuff. I hate that I enabled him to let me feel as awful as I did. This song captures it all and reminds me of my refusal to ever been in a fucked up relationship again.
Touch, lying on the floor
Wishing this could last
Knowing that it can’t
Soon you will leave
And I'll be on the floor
Watching the TV
Trying hard to find
A reason to move
I’m frozen in one place
Staring at the screen
Listening to the rain
Falling on the street
Some days go on too long
To know, no one can hang out tonight
Here, where the carpet's cool and soft
Underneath the clock
I feel my weary heart is put to rest
You gather around your friends
The connection that you feel
When the night has not yet died
You are new
(And near now to someone)
With a promise of a love
(You used to love)
you will probably never find
(When you were young)
(When all was gold and you two touched)
A touch that you can really feel
(And felt the flutter underneath your skin)
The brokenness inside
(You stood in glowing rooms)
(The light dripping from both of you)
As hope and less collide
(And nothing since has felt as radiant or real)
And nothing is real
Love, there's nothing more I want
Than just one night
That’s free of doubt and sadness
One night, one night, one night
One night that I can really feel
Touch, lying on the floor
Wishing this could last
Knowing that it can’t
Soon you will leave
And I'll be on the floor
Watching the TV
Trying hard to find
A reason to move
I’m frozen in one place
Staring at the screen
Listening to the rain
Falling on the street
Some days go on too long
To know, no one can hang out tonight
Here, where the carpet's cool and soft
Underneath the clock
I feel my weary heart is put to rest
You gather around your friends
The connection that you feel
When the night has not yet died
You are new
(And near now to someone)
With a promise of a love
(You used to love)
you will probably never find
(When you were young)
(When all was gold and you two touched)
A touch that you can really feel
(And felt the flutter underneath your skin)
The brokenness inside
(You stood in glowing rooms)
(The light dripping from both of you)
As hope and less collide
(And nothing since has felt as radiant or real)
And nothing is real
Love, there's nothing more I want
Than just one night
That’s free of doubt and sadness
One night, one night, one night
One night that I can really feel
Nostalgia at its finest...
Bittersweet, you're gonna be the death of me
I don't want you, but I need you,
I love you and I hate you at the very same time
See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad...
I don't want you, but I need you,
I love you and I hate you at the very same time
See what I want so much, should never hurt this bad...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sometimes
I think our minds connect at some other level.
I was thinking of him heavily, and missing him (to be quite honest) yesterday. I went to sleep and popped my eyes open around 3:30 am and after I woke up, I hear my phone vibrate. I immediately knew who it was, and sure enough, it was that person.
This has happened a few times... My randomly waking up, and right after I wake up, I get a text from him.
It really was nothing, though. First my stomach turned and I thought of throwing up cause it was like, "Oh God, here we go.", but all he did was irritate me, and there was nothing to the short stream of texts at all. However, I wasn't too worried because I've grown my spine and I know how to put my foot down. So that wasn't why I felt nauseated. I felt nauseated because he manages to evoke so many negative feelings inside of me that I could just throw up everywhere.
How sad is that? The fact that I could care so much about a person who made me feel so awful that I could puke. What a sick thing. Masochist...
That's what gets me about my current crush. I don't have all those negative feelings. Sure things were different with the other fellow... I fell a lot harder and a lot faster because of our being very close friends, but still. Liking someone should not hurt so bad, and with this guy, it doesn't. A lot of me felt this security in and with them.
If we really are over, though, I hope I get a good-bye of some sort. I'm actually bumming really hard on them this morning. I miss him a lot and wish I had done so many things differently. I think back as to how we've evolved and I've just pushed him away. It went from being this good and fun girl to this drunken burden.
I remember how right away I was referred to as "my girl" when he was on the phone with his friend being asked what he was doing, and I felt so happy about that. Now I'm pretty sure I'd never catch that out of his mouth.
Then sometimes I wonder how over we'll ever really be when what's his face and I still have this mental connection. Are we really ending? Or are we just beginning?
I remember being in beauty school and sitting outside with Claire while she smoked a cigarette, and things were going badly with boy #1. I recall saying to her, "I think it's over.", and then she said, "No, I think this is just the beginning." She couldn't have been more right. Our sick and twisted rendezvous of games and battles has lasted for 2 years.
Will boy #2 plague me for 2 years too? Or will he be of some benefit? He seems too secure to plague me though.
Hm...
I was thinking of him heavily, and missing him (to be quite honest) yesterday. I went to sleep and popped my eyes open around 3:30 am and after I woke up, I hear my phone vibrate. I immediately knew who it was, and sure enough, it was that person.
This has happened a few times... My randomly waking up, and right after I wake up, I get a text from him.
It really was nothing, though. First my stomach turned and I thought of throwing up cause it was like, "Oh God, here we go.", but all he did was irritate me, and there was nothing to the short stream of texts at all. However, I wasn't too worried because I've grown my spine and I know how to put my foot down. So that wasn't why I felt nauseated. I felt nauseated because he manages to evoke so many negative feelings inside of me that I could just throw up everywhere.
How sad is that? The fact that I could care so much about a person who made me feel so awful that I could puke. What a sick thing. Masochist...
That's what gets me about my current crush. I don't have all those negative feelings. Sure things were different with the other fellow... I fell a lot harder and a lot faster because of our being very close friends, but still. Liking someone should not hurt so bad, and with this guy, it doesn't. A lot of me felt this security in and with them.
If we really are over, though, I hope I get a good-bye of some sort. I'm actually bumming really hard on them this morning. I miss him a lot and wish I had done so many things differently. I think back as to how we've evolved and I've just pushed him away. It went from being this good and fun girl to this drunken burden.
I remember how right away I was referred to as "my girl" when he was on the phone with his friend being asked what he was doing, and I felt so happy about that. Now I'm pretty sure I'd never catch that out of his mouth.
Then sometimes I wonder how over we'll ever really be when what's his face and I still have this mental connection. Are we really ending? Or are we just beginning?
I remember being in beauty school and sitting outside with Claire while she smoked a cigarette, and things were going badly with boy #1. I recall saying to her, "I think it's over.", and then she said, "No, I think this is just the beginning." She couldn't have been more right. Our sick and twisted rendezvous of games and battles has lasted for 2 years.
Will boy #2 plague me for 2 years too? Or will he be of some benefit? He seems too secure to plague me though.
Hm...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
To
walk away is to fight your idea to possibly stay.
I could wait and find out, but God I don't want to be rejected. And God I don't want to be walked away from.
I just wanna talk to you. Is it that hard?
I'm scared of everything you could despise about me, and scared of all you're not ready for for. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
I could wait and find out, but God I don't want to be rejected. And God I don't want to be walked away from.
I just wanna talk to you. Is it that hard?
I'm scared of everything you could despise about me, and scared of all you're not ready for for. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Arms by Seabear
You left your black gloves on my table
You left your dark horse in my stable
Thinking of a way, to get you to stay
And I promise to fight the wind and wait for you...
...are an owl, with tired eyes
I am a scarecrow in disguise
We often go out pacing
When all I want to do is stay inside and lookout the window...
...with you
You left your dark horse in my stable
Thinking of a way, to get you to stay
And I promise to fight the wind and wait for you...
...are an owl, with tired eyes
I am a scarecrow in disguise
We often go out pacing
When all I want to do is stay inside and lookout the window...
...with you
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I don't...
....want to face the day.
I'm having a really hard time with my worry for my grandma.
I never thought I'd care this much.
The way I feel right now leads me to have no idea what I'll do if she does go.
I'm having a really hard time with my worry for my grandma.
I never thought I'd care this much.
The way I feel right now leads me to have no idea what I'll do if she does go.
My grandma might be dying.
My mom told me this evening.
And you know what I said? I said, "Oh."
Secretly, my heart skipped a beat and sunk into my stomach and fear flooded over me, but I have a hard time showing my family my feelings. My mom told me to call her cause she's scared and wants to hear from all of us in case she passes, and I don't intend to. I feel like I can't let her know I care. Once I do that, it'll be true that I do, and it'll make it harder.
I always wondered if I'd cry when my grandmother would pass on, and honestly, I'm in tears right now.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I admit feelings to my family? I can be truthful with everyone else, and I can even cry in front of people.
Maybe I think I have to be the strong one. Like someone to look to.
I guess I was the baby for so long that when I lost my place so abruptly, I felt as though I needed to grow up.
I don't know. I'm scared though. Her brother passed away suddenly with the same heart condition.
If you're reading this, pray. Pray for her. Pray for the family.
My mom told me this evening.
And you know what I said? I said, "Oh."
Secretly, my heart skipped a beat and sunk into my stomach and fear flooded over me, but I have a hard time showing my family my feelings. My mom told me to call her cause she's scared and wants to hear from all of us in case she passes, and I don't intend to. I feel like I can't let her know I care. Once I do that, it'll be true that I do, and it'll make it harder.
I always wondered if I'd cry when my grandmother would pass on, and honestly, I'm in tears right now.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I admit feelings to my family? I can be truthful with everyone else, and I can even cry in front of people.
Maybe I think I have to be the strong one. Like someone to look to.
I guess I was the baby for so long that when I lost my place so abruptly, I felt as though I needed to grow up.
I don't know. I'm scared though. Her brother passed away suddenly with the same heart condition.
If you're reading this, pray. Pray for her. Pray for the family.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
Friday
-Bonnie and I went to COD to try and get our schedules organized. I needed to get 3 more units so I can get my insurance back, but it didn't happen. Ugh. Then we went to lunch, and then I had to take her home so I could get ready to go to work.
-Went to work, and then got home to get ready to go out with Julian. We were planning on going to this party at that casino in Coachella. I got ready, and then picked up David. We went to Julian's to pre-game. Then we were off and met up with Devin there. It was the lamest party ever. $10 to get in...for nothing. Then we went to the Blue Bar and Devin and I had a little more fun there, but it was still shitty. I couldn't wait to leave. Then we went home.
Saturday
-Cleaned and did my eyebrows and wasted most of my day before getting ready to go to Heat in Riverside with Julian. I ended up inviting Natasha, and she wanted to drive us, so we drove on our own with Jackie. I did want to drive with Julian and JD though. Anywho, we went to Charly's apartment first to pre-game it. It was some how ridiculously fun in the little time we were there.
-Walked over to the college in the rain, and I managed to get separated from Jackie, Natasha, Julian, JD, and some other people immediately. But I was with Bebo, David, Moses, and Tanya, so I was a-ok and having a good time! Moses and I pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and had a bond fest. I love him! We went to the beer garden and David bought me a beer, and I dropped like the whole thing. Suckkks. But it was ok cause Moses's cousin gave me shots of vodka and even went in the crowd with me to watch She Wants Revenge. I group hopped quite a bit and kept getting lost but didn't care too much. I was feeling good. David and I squeezed into the front to watch N.E.R.D. and I ended up feeling suffocated so I got out of there and went back with Jackie and Natasha. Our boots soaked through, and that was a bummer. The show was over, and I managed to get separated from the girls, and wound up with Bebo, Julian, Moses, and David. Quite the eventful walk. I even got those little flowers picked from me out of it. Everyone's phone was dead or messed up, and it caused for quite the confusion. I thought I was gonna be left behind, but got over it pretty quickly. We went to get beer and then we went back to Charly's, and Jackie and Natasha were there, not leaving me. How nice of them. So I ended up leaving and we took David with us cause he was throwing up.
Such a good night!!
Sunday
-Went to church with my parents. I hadn't been to church in so long. It was good. Boring, but good. I know I need to go back to church.
-Went to lunch, and then was dropped back off at home cause I needed a nap before work. The night before was late and long and tiring!
-Went to work. Woo.
-Went to the gym.
Monday
-Woke up pretty early to go to a color class, but decided I didn't feel like it and went to Bonnie's to get her 21st Birthday started.
-We went to the Elephant Bar and I got her her first legal drink. We had a delicious lunch and then went to go get Bonnie a bottle of Malibu so she could spend her day legally drunk. I was bummed on the fact that I had to work cause I couldn't get drunk with her.
-Went to the mall. Saw a girl I reeeally didn't want to see and it made my stomach turn. I hate seeing her which is sad because we were friends. Eek. But at least I bought myself a really fantastic shirt. I can't wait to wear it this weekend.
-Took Bonnie home and had to get ready for work.
-Worked and made some gooood money.
-Got off and came home to get ready to go to Bebo's cause a few of us were gonna drink over there for Bon's birthday, but plans changed and we ended up going to him and David's friend Sergio's. It was fun. It was Bonnie, Natasha, David, Bebo, their bestie Ralph, and a couple other guys. Bonnie ended up leaving to be with her boyfriend, of course, and I got really annoyed and didn't take her home. Damian picked her and Natasha up. We had a lovely time talking and what not. Bebo and I both had to work early in the next day so I took him home and then I went home to have myself a lovely slumber.
Pretty good night, aside from Bonnie being to boyfriend clingy. It was a total 18th Birthday Deja Vu.
Tuesday
-Woke earlier than necessary, and it was kind of nice because I got to get ready at a slow pace. Normally I'm in such a hurry I have no time to even sigh.
-Went to Cosmoprof before work, and then worked. An ok day. Met a cool old lady who likes to walk around with wine in her coffee cup so it's disguised. Ha.
-Went to the mall after work to get a shirt.
-Went home, napped for a half hour, had dinner with the family, and then did my mom's hair. I weaved it and then I cut it. Bomb.com I must say.
-Bonnie and I went to COD to try and get our schedules organized. I needed to get 3 more units so I can get my insurance back, but it didn't happen. Ugh. Then we went to lunch, and then I had to take her home so I could get ready to go to work.
-Went to work, and then got home to get ready to go out with Julian. We were planning on going to this party at that casino in Coachella. I got ready, and then picked up David. We went to Julian's to pre-game. Then we were off and met up with Devin there. It was the lamest party ever. $10 to get in...for nothing. Then we went to the Blue Bar and Devin and I had a little more fun there, but it was still shitty. I couldn't wait to leave. Then we went home.
Saturday
-Cleaned and did my eyebrows and wasted most of my day before getting ready to go to Heat in Riverside with Julian. I ended up inviting Natasha, and she wanted to drive us, so we drove on our own with Jackie. I did want to drive with Julian and JD though. Anywho, we went to Charly's apartment first to pre-game it. It was some how ridiculously fun in the little time we were there.
-Walked over to the college in the rain, and I managed to get separated from Jackie, Natasha, Julian, JD, and some other people immediately. But I was with Bebo, David, Moses, and Tanya, so I was a-ok and having a good time! Moses and I pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and had a bond fest. I love him! We went to the beer garden and David bought me a beer, and I dropped like the whole thing. Suckkks. But it was ok cause Moses's cousin gave me shots of vodka and even went in the crowd with me to watch She Wants Revenge. I group hopped quite a bit and kept getting lost but didn't care too much. I was feeling good. David and I squeezed into the front to watch N.E.R.D. and I ended up feeling suffocated so I got out of there and went back with Jackie and Natasha. Our boots soaked through, and that was a bummer. The show was over, and I managed to get separated from the girls, and wound up with Bebo, Julian, Moses, and David. Quite the eventful walk. I even got those little flowers picked from me out of it. Everyone's phone was dead or messed up, and it caused for quite the confusion. I thought I was gonna be left behind, but got over it pretty quickly. We went to get beer and then we went back to Charly's, and Jackie and Natasha were there, not leaving me. How nice of them. So I ended up leaving and we took David with us cause he was throwing up.
Such a good night!!
Sunday
-Went to church with my parents. I hadn't been to church in so long. It was good. Boring, but good. I know I need to go back to church.
-Went to lunch, and then was dropped back off at home cause I needed a nap before work. The night before was late and long and tiring!
-Went to work. Woo.
-Went to the gym.
Monday
-Woke up pretty early to go to a color class, but decided I didn't feel like it and went to Bonnie's to get her 21st Birthday started.
-We went to the Elephant Bar and I got her her first legal drink. We had a delicious lunch and then went to go get Bonnie a bottle of Malibu so she could spend her day legally drunk. I was bummed on the fact that I had to work cause I couldn't get drunk with her.
-Went to the mall. Saw a girl I reeeally didn't want to see and it made my stomach turn. I hate seeing her which is sad because we were friends. Eek. But at least I bought myself a really fantastic shirt. I can't wait to wear it this weekend.
-Took Bonnie home and had to get ready for work.
-Worked and made some gooood money.
-Got off and came home to get ready to go to Bebo's cause a few of us were gonna drink over there for Bon's birthday, but plans changed and we ended up going to him and David's friend Sergio's. It was fun. It was Bonnie, Natasha, David, Bebo, their bestie Ralph, and a couple other guys. Bonnie ended up leaving to be with her boyfriend, of course, and I got really annoyed and didn't take her home. Damian picked her and Natasha up. We had a lovely time talking and what not. Bebo and I both had to work early in the next day so I took him home and then I went home to have myself a lovely slumber.
Pretty good night, aside from Bonnie being to boyfriend clingy. It was a total 18th Birthday Deja Vu.
Tuesday
-Woke earlier than necessary, and it was kind of nice because I got to get ready at a slow pace. Normally I'm in such a hurry I have no time to even sigh.
-Went to Cosmoprof before work, and then worked. An ok day. Met a cool old lady who likes to walk around with wine in her coffee cup so it's disguised. Ha.
-Went to the mall after work to get a shirt.
-Went home, napped for a half hour, had dinner with the family, and then did my mom's hair. I weaved it and then I cut it. Bomb.com I must say.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Don't
kiss me if you don't mean it. =[ I wasn't supposed to kiss you tonight and break my own rule.
We shouldn't pretend to be something we're not.
I'm gonna miss kissing you though. And I honestly am scared to kiss someone else.
I haven't kissed anyone other than you since before October 29th or 30th. I feel like I won't know what to do. I don't even want to either.
Blah. I really don't want this to be over, but I can't play games, or be treated like a fool.
We shouldn't pretend to be something we're not.
I'm gonna miss kissing you though. And I honestly am scared to kiss someone else.
I haven't kissed anyone other than you since before October 29th or 30th. I feel like I won't know what to do. I don't even want to either.
Blah. I really don't want this to be over, but I can't play games, or be treated like a fool.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I've been
played. DIRTY.
I want to cry, but I refuse to ever feel defeated again. Not over a guy at least. And for some reason, I can cry over everything and feel ok about it, but some how crying over a guy makes me feel shameful.
I'm a big girl. I've learned a lot. I'll keep learning. I want to say OH MY GOD FUCK YOU, but I won't do that either. I'm better than that. I'll take what I have learned, and move on.
With a big pretty smile.
"I can't play myself again I should just be my own best friend Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men".
I want to cry, but I refuse to ever feel defeated again. Not over a guy at least. And for some reason, I can cry over everything and feel ok about it, but some how crying over a guy makes me feel shameful.
I'm a big girl. I've learned a lot. I'll keep learning. I want to say OH MY GOD FUCK YOU, but I won't do that either. I'm better than that. I'll take what I have learned, and move on.
With a big pretty smile.
"I can't play myself again I should just be my own best friend Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men".
...
All I can ever be to you
Is the darkness that we knew
And this regret I got accustomed to
Once it was so right
When we were at our high
Waiting for you in the hotel at night
I knew I hadn't met my match
But every moment we could snatch
I don't know why I got so attached
It's my responsibility
And you don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your wake, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I don't understand
Why do I stress the man
When there's so many bigger things at hand
We coulda never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
And perspective pushes thru
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I can't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your wake, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above ablaze
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your wake, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I wish I could say no regrets
And no emotional debts
Cos as we kiss good bye the sun sets
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wake, my blue shade
My tears dry on their own
Is the darkness that we knew
And this regret I got accustomed to
Once it was so right
When we were at our high
Waiting for you in the hotel at night
I knew I hadn't met my match
But every moment we could snatch
I don't know why I got so attached
It's my responsibility
And you don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your wake, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I don't understand
Why do I stress the man
When there's so many bigger things at hand
We coulda never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
And perspective pushes thru
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I can't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your wake, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above ablaze
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your wake, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I wish I could say no regrets
And no emotional debts
Cos as we kiss good bye the sun sets
So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see
He walks away
The sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your wake, my blue shade
My tears dry on their own
Friday, February 6, 2009
My bones no longer ache at the thought the of your name. I can make your name ring in my head and my mind and body remains calm. Steady. Just regular. The same as when I say a friend's name. I don't get angry. I don't fill myself with regret. I don't feel anything. I am me. I don't think about you before I go to sleep, and I don't think about you when I wake up.
After years, I am finally free. A far more consistent free. I'd been liberated before, but a more unstable liberation. This is the real thing. I know it in my heart. Finally. My heart doesn't speed up, or slow down. It beats as it should. With it's movement, I know. I am sure.
You gave me closure. I thought it may be the start of a new chapter, and a dreaded one at that. Thank God it was just something to free me of a sick and ugly cycle.
I'm no masochist, and I won't ever be like one again. I won't ever be a coward again either.
After years, I am finally free. A far more consistent free. I'd been liberated before, but a more unstable liberation. This is the real thing. I know it in my heart. Finally. My heart doesn't speed up, or slow down. It beats as it should. With it's movement, I know. I am sure.
You gave me closure. I thought it may be the start of a new chapter, and a dreaded one at that. Thank God it was just something to free me of a sick and ugly cycle.
I'm no masochist, and I won't ever be like one again. I won't ever be a coward again either.
Thursday
-Got ready to go to Ontario's David's Bridal. We know too many people in this desert that we didn't want to go to the one out here and have the day of picking Desiree's wedding dress ruined. We've planned and dreamed this day as children that it had to go perfect.
-Picked Desiree up and Alvaro watched Nico and we ventured to the store. Just getting there made me cry. It was so exciting. I just thought of how as little girls we have talked about our dresses, and we used to always buy Bride's magazine, and we even had a subscription to Bride's magazine to get ideas of our dream dress. And there we were..years later actually picking her dress. Moments like that make me soo happy I have sisters and that I got to grow up with one.
-Got in there and picked some dresses. I picked most of them, even the ones I wanted to call dibs on. The first one she put on ended up being THE dress. It was so gorgeous. The dress, the veil, the tiara. Aww.
-Tess and I tried on some stuff. She found her flower-girl dress. It has beading like Des's and a mini train. I found my maybe dress, but if they have beading and a train, I want beading and a train too. Desiree already said I could have a train, so I am not going back!! Plus, this is like my last time to get prom-like ready that I'm taking advantage.
-Went to have lunch then took Desiree home. We visited with Nicholas and Al but had to leave so I could get to class.
-Changed really quickly, went to the salon to check messages, then went to class. 3 hours is a long time.
-Went to the gym.
Productive day. My thighs are on fiiiire.
-Picked Desiree up and Alvaro watched Nico and we ventured to the store. Just getting there made me cry. It was so exciting. I just thought of how as little girls we have talked about our dresses, and we used to always buy Bride's magazine, and we even had a subscription to Bride's magazine to get ideas of our dream dress. And there we were..years later actually picking her dress. Moments like that make me soo happy I have sisters and that I got to grow up with one.
-Got in there and picked some dresses. I picked most of them, even the ones I wanted to call dibs on. The first one she put on ended up being THE dress. It was so gorgeous. The dress, the veil, the tiara. Aww.
-Tess and I tried on some stuff. She found her flower-girl dress. It has beading like Des's and a mini train. I found my maybe dress, but if they have beading and a train, I want beading and a train too. Desiree already said I could have a train, so I am not going back!! Plus, this is like my last time to get prom-like ready that I'm taking advantage.
-Went to have lunch then took Desiree home. We visited with Nicholas and Al but had to leave so I could get to class.
-Changed really quickly, went to the salon to check messages, then went to class. 3 hours is a long time.
-Went to the gym.
Productive day. My thighs are on fiiiire.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I just
Want to be in love. For the first time I feel as though I need to be the one who is saved, and honestly, I am terrified.
Wednesday
-Woke up early to get some cleaning done.
-Gave my dog a bath.
-Cleaned some more.. My room... The bathrooms...
-Got ready to get some stuff done before class.
-Picked up Bonnie to go shopping for art supplies. I spent $115 on paint, brushes, and canvases. OUCH. That was my whole check I'd just picked up.
-Got some tea from Starbucks for a pick me up, and then went to class.
-Had a lot of fun with Lucas and his supervisor. They bought some vodka and juice and we caught a nice buzz while we painted.
-Bon and I left early and had dinner at Chipotle.
-Went home and changed, then went to the gym,
-Came home, and now I'm sketching.
-Gave my dog a bath.
-Cleaned some more.. My room... The bathrooms...
-Got ready to get some stuff done before class.
-Picked up Bonnie to go shopping for art supplies. I spent $115 on paint, brushes, and canvases. OUCH. That was my whole check I'd just picked up.
-Got some tea from Starbucks for a pick me up, and then went to class.
-Had a lot of fun with Lucas and his supervisor. They bought some vodka and juice and we caught a nice buzz while we painted.
-Bon and I left early and had dinner at Chipotle.
-Went home and changed, then went to the gym,
-Came home, and now I'm sketching.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Little Bit
Hands down
I’m too proud for love
But eyes shut it’s you I’m thinking of
But how we move from A to B
It can’t be up to me
Cause you don’t know
Eye to eye
Thigh to thigh
I let go...
...And for you I keep my legs apart
And forget about my tainted heart
And I will never ever be the first
To say it but still I get over...
I’m too proud for love
But eyes shut it’s you I’m thinking of
But how we move from A to B
It can’t be up to me
Cause you don’t know
Eye to eye
Thigh to thigh
I let go...
...And for you I keep my legs apart
And forget about my tainted heart
And I will never ever be the first
To say it but still I get over...
Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
Saturday
-I don't remember what I was doing up until I got my new car! Ajekwrklewr.
-Went to work, but was bummed on having to work cause it was like getting a new toy but getting told no to playing with it. I wanted to take my car out to play.
-Got off work and then got ready to pick up AB and go to that party/show thing. Picked him up, picked up some coconut rum so I could have one drink since I was being DD. Went to the party and there were soo many people. Too many little kids, if you ask me. We watched Bolin, Andy, and Danny play and then mingled some. We hung out with Gio, Claudia, Tanya, and David some, but AB wasn't having a very good time, and I didn't like him having a poor time, so I said yes to going to the Blue Bar. First we went to AB's so he could change and he took a year to do cause he was dancing (and it was totally funny), and then we went over there and met up with Tanya, Alma, her beau, Ab's sister, and some more people. It was totally lame, so Tanya and I left after like a half hour and went home, even though we wanted to go back to that party.
Sunday
-Pissed my day away until I had to get ready for work.
-Got ready for work early so I could show Bonnie my car.
-Right when I turned out of my neighborhood, I got in a little accident due to this mother-fucker and dumb bitch. I was willing to just exchange insurances and handle it like adults even though I was livid because of it being my new car. But they were so ghetto with their stupid ghetto car that the guy got in my face right away, so I got back in his, then she got in mine, and we were ready to fight, but then my mom happened to be driving by and got out and whatever. I probably would have gotten murdered though cause there's no way the guy wouldn't have gotten involved had I hit her. I've never been so mad in my entire life. I was so mad my body went numb. All I wanted was their insurance, but nooo. So now I'm waiting for the cops to assign fault. Hopefully I won't be blamed cause my rates will go up big time.
-I had to go to work after that, which totally sucked. The restaurant was totally dead.
-Went home after we closed.
Monday
-Colored my mom's hair and blow-dried it.
-Peeled off my precious Morales sticker and False Advertising one. RIP Morales Mobile and band sticker. =[ I was really bummed on it. Cleaned my stuff out of it. Sooo much crap in that vehicle. And then we took it to go get a hit and run scratch/dent fixed. We need to get the car ready to sell.
-Got ready for work, and worked.
Tuesday
-Woke up far too early, but Desiree had asked Tess and I to breakfast, and I of course couldn't say no. So we went to breakfast and she asked me to be her Maid of Honor (which I already knew I would be in the wedding) and then she asked Tess to be her Flower Girl. Exciting stuff. I'm excited to get to get a pretty dress. Hopefully from BCBG.
-Took Tess back to school.
-Went to look at places to hold the wedding and the reception at. As the Maid of Honor, it's my duty to do stuff like that, but I wound up getting stuck baby-sitting the baby. We had fun though. We played on the golf-course and played Hide-N-Seek. He's gotten so smart. He reaches for help when he needs assistance climbing down from the sidewalk. I love that baby, but he reminds me of how much I am not ready to have a baby. I'm keeping my fingers crossed right now.
-Went to lunch.
-Went to the store to get seat covers for my car and to get this tower thing I've been wanting to put my jewelry in. It's soo cool. It has 3 levels and is taller than me and kinda looks like the Eiffel tower. I built it when I got home and put all my bracelets in it. It's already full. I love it. Now I am in the process of hanging my earrings on it.
-Laid down to take a power nap so I could go to the gym, but ended up knocking out. I feel disgusting and haaave to go tonight.
-I don't remember what I was doing up until I got my new car! Ajekwrklewr.
-Went to work, but was bummed on having to work cause it was like getting a new toy but getting told no to playing with it. I wanted to take my car out to play.
-Got off work and then got ready to pick up AB and go to that party/show thing. Picked him up, picked up some coconut rum so I could have one drink since I was being DD. Went to the party and there were soo many people. Too many little kids, if you ask me. We watched Bolin, Andy, and Danny play and then mingled some. We hung out with Gio, Claudia, Tanya, and David some, but AB wasn't having a very good time, and I didn't like him having a poor time, so I said yes to going to the Blue Bar. First we went to AB's so he could change and he took a year to do cause he was dancing (and it was totally funny), and then we went over there and met up with Tanya, Alma, her beau, Ab's sister, and some more people. It was totally lame, so Tanya and I left after like a half hour and went home, even though we wanted to go back to that party.
Sunday
-Pissed my day away until I had to get ready for work.
-Got ready for work early so I could show Bonnie my car.
-Right when I turned out of my neighborhood, I got in a little accident due to this mother-fucker and dumb bitch. I was willing to just exchange insurances and handle it like adults even though I was livid because of it being my new car. But they were so ghetto with their stupid ghetto car that the guy got in my face right away, so I got back in his, then she got in mine, and we were ready to fight, but then my mom happened to be driving by and got out and whatever. I probably would have gotten murdered though cause there's no way the guy wouldn't have gotten involved had I hit her. I've never been so mad in my entire life. I was so mad my body went numb. All I wanted was their insurance, but nooo. So now I'm waiting for the cops to assign fault. Hopefully I won't be blamed cause my rates will go up big time.
-I had to go to work after that, which totally sucked. The restaurant was totally dead.
-Went home after we closed.
Monday
-Colored my mom's hair and blow-dried it.
-Peeled off my precious Morales sticker and False Advertising one. RIP Morales Mobile and band sticker. =[ I was really bummed on it. Cleaned my stuff out of it. Sooo much crap in that vehicle. And then we took it to go get a hit and run scratch/dent fixed. We need to get the car ready to sell.
-Got ready for work, and worked.
Tuesday
-Woke up far too early, but Desiree had asked Tess and I to breakfast, and I of course couldn't say no. So we went to breakfast and she asked me to be her Maid of Honor (which I already knew I would be in the wedding) and then she asked Tess to be her Flower Girl. Exciting stuff. I'm excited to get to get a pretty dress. Hopefully from BCBG.
-Took Tess back to school.
-Went to look at places to hold the wedding and the reception at. As the Maid of Honor, it's my duty to do stuff like that, but I wound up getting stuck baby-sitting the baby. We had fun though. We played on the golf-course and played Hide-N-Seek. He's gotten so smart. He reaches for help when he needs assistance climbing down from the sidewalk. I love that baby, but he reminds me of how much I am not ready to have a baby. I'm keeping my fingers crossed right now.
-Went to lunch.
-Went to the store to get seat covers for my car and to get this tower thing I've been wanting to put my jewelry in. It's soo cool. It has 3 levels and is taller than me and kinda looks like the Eiffel tower. I built it when I got home and put all my bracelets in it. It's already full. I love it. Now I am in the process of hanging my earrings on it.
-Laid down to take a power nap so I could go to the gym, but ended up knocking out. I feel disgusting and haaave to go tonight.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Best Day EVER!
So yesterday, my mom and I are talking and she's asking about what color I intend to get when I get one. Then she tells me we can go look at cars this week, and I can one within the month. So I'm just so excited because we're making plans to get me a new car. Anyway, so I'm getting ready for work... I've got no time, I'm totally running late, and when I am getting ready, I'm in focus mode and don't like being interrupted... So my mom calls me and is like, "LAUREN, THE FRONT OF YOUR CAR GOT HIT AGAIN!" and I'm like, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME." And I'm just pissed off at the world and I'm pissed off that I'm trying to get ready, and get disrupted to deal with that. I go down the stairs, no bra, one eye done, the other eye bare, and approach the screen door and see my parents standing in the front yard, which totally puzzled me because my car was the other direction, and they're facing another way. So I open the door, look in the direction that they are looking, and there in the driveway was a new, beautiful, black car! I shrieked and couldn't believe it! They got me a brand new car! I started jumping up and down and was soooo excited and soooo thankful. I went from being pissed off to feeling soo happy and soo excited. They did such a good job at surprising me. So now I have a 2009 black Toyota Corolla, equipped with a built in iPod adapter, security system, and electric windows and locks, unlike my white 2005 Toyota Corolla that has manual locks and windows, and no built in iPod adapter. It's totally bigger and better. I've got two glove compartments toooo! They told me they did it because they were proud of me, and that was so crazy because the day before, I was sweeping up at work, and was wondering if I've made them proud and even considered asking them. Then the next day they get me a car and tell me. Totally crazy. My parents are gonna totally take care of me til the end.
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