I can't stand anything more than people who avoid things. We are nothing without communication, and if communication is shut off, what does anyone have?
And what's reeeally hard is I'm on the extreme side of needing to speak feelings and thoughts, so when people shut down, I go nutttts.
I guess it's cause I trust myself SO much, I expect everyone to trust me. And that's not going to happen until I give people reasons to...
Oy.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Creep
As much as I try to be happy, I'm always plagued by this and that. Like so...
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
Thursday
-I went to work... Applied some colors... Shampooed... Test stranded some shitttt... Did some blow-dries.
-I went to the post office. I put stamps on 45 postcards, and it was pleasant. I sat in the car listening to music while doing so. I love those simple things.
-I went to Liz's. Right when I got there, her and her mom fell asleep, so I slept too.
-One point of my nap, I had an odd dream, and I squeeled and woke up. Haha, I was embarrassed that they may have heard me.
-Liz and I went to the park to go play tennis, and all the tennis courts were taken. I was pretty bummed cause 1. I have a lot of bad energy I need to release. 2. My thighs felt fat. 3. It's better than just hanging out and drinking. I'm sick of repetition! I've seen the good life and REFUSE to not feel and live it.
-Went back to Liz's for 2 seconds, and contemplated whether or not to go to The River con Lez, Andres, y Carlitos. I decided against it. I'd rather have pure, me, time and wake up refreshed than sit at The River killing my liver, and my mind. I am really proud of myself.
-I am now home, kinda bored, but I think I'm gonna write. It always helps me. And I should read. I need to get myself back in touch with myself, and God, and I'm on the road to it, and gonna keep to it.
The truth is, in order for me to find anything, I need to seek God for it...
-I went to the post office. I put stamps on 45 postcards, and it was pleasant. I sat in the car listening to music while doing so. I love those simple things.
-I went to Liz's. Right when I got there, her and her mom fell asleep, so I slept too.
-One point of my nap, I had an odd dream, and I squeeled and woke up. Haha, I was embarrassed that they may have heard me.
-Liz and I went to the park to go play tennis, and all the tennis courts were taken. I was pretty bummed cause 1. I have a lot of bad energy I need to release. 2. My thighs felt fat. 3. It's better than just hanging out and drinking. I'm sick of repetition! I've seen the good life and REFUSE to not feel and live it.
-Went back to Liz's for 2 seconds, and contemplated whether or not to go to The River con Lez, Andres, y Carlitos. I decided against it. I'd rather have pure, me, time and wake up refreshed than sit at The River killing my liver, and my mind. I am really proud of myself.
-I am now home, kinda bored, but I think I'm gonna write. It always helps me. And I should read. I need to get myself back in touch with myself, and God, and I'm on the road to it, and gonna keep to it.
The truth is, in order for me to find anything, I need to seek God for it...
Maybe
Maybe if I start humbling myself, I'll stop being so high strung.
Maybe if I start being sober, I'll be able to remember conversations,
Maybe if I stop getting so scared of awkward silences, I'll be more social.
Maybe if I step out of my comfort, I'll be more comfortable.
Maybe if I make the first step, the second and third will follow.
Mayeb if I stop worrying about needing to be social, I'll make more money.
Maybe if I make more money, I'll do more that'll make me happy.
Maybe if I'm more happy, I'll live better.
Maybe if I stop worrying about being embarrassed, they'll come around.
Maybe if I try to make a difference, I won't need to change.
Maybe if I keep trying, I'll see a result.
Maybe I'll be happy.
Maybe I'm ready.
I'm ready to just let go.
What's the worst that could happen?
Obviously nothing went right before cause God forbid I make some moves.
If everyone was the way I AM, nothing would go anywhere.
I can give it a shot.
What won't kill me will only make me stronger, right?
And I mean, I don't need to change.. I just need to put fourth some effort myself to better things and life. That's all...
Maybe if I start being sober, I'll be able to remember conversations,
Maybe if I stop getting so scared of awkward silences, I'll be more social.
Maybe if I step out of my comfort, I'll be more comfortable.
Maybe if I make the first step, the second and third will follow.
Mayeb if I stop worrying about needing to be social, I'll make more money.
Maybe if I make more money, I'll do more that'll make me happy.
Maybe if I'm more happy, I'll live better.
Maybe if I stop worrying about being embarrassed, they'll come around.
Maybe if I try to make a difference, I won't need to change.
Maybe if I keep trying, I'll see a result.
Maybe I'll be happy.
Maybe I'm ready.
I'm ready to just let go.
What's the worst that could happen?
Obviously nothing went right before cause God forbid I make some moves.
If everyone was the way I AM, nothing would go anywhere.
I can give it a shot.
What won't kill me will only make me stronger, right?
And I mean, I don't need to change.. I just need to put fourth some effort myself to better things and life. That's all...
Wednesday
-Went to Maily's house to help plan her son's graduation party and then did some mailouts for the some clients. The salon is DEAD so we gotta bribe the people in, you know? And then I watched Asia for like 30 minutes until Mike, Maily's hubby got home.
-Went down to Cery Perle's office and filled out some paperwork so I can have a background check done. I HAVE A NANNY JOB FOR THE SUMMER! I couldn't be more hyyyped on that. Easy money, and big money. I'm getting TAN this sumer, and I'm gonna learn how to be a better wife/mommy. Creepy much?
-Went to Liz's. She helped me lurk some Myspaces. I love lurking pros.
-We went to the mall. We sat in the car and listened some good music and drank some drinks. We did some talks about suicide and life. We make life good together. And by the way, we concluded it's good to be drunk. You let down all those damn walls we build up against everyone and everything.
-Then we went into the mall to go take a pess, and ended up talking to Travis. Then we went to American Greetings and I saw BEAUTIFUL AILEEN. And then Tom and Austin met us there. Then we went and sat with Travis and Nick and talked about HPV. Fuck that shit, dood. And then Liz and I switched spots and I sat with Tom and Austin. And then Chris, Devibitch, Bolin, and Andy met us.
-We all ventured over to The River. I ran into an old good friend and made some new friends. And thennn Tom and I had a good heart to heart. I LOVE him. He's gonna be good to have around. Then we went to Border's and annoyed ourselves, and people (probably).
-I decided I was tired and wanted to leave, but wound up sitting in the parking lot taking to Liz and Tom. They helped me a lot. And then Austin and Kelsi met up with us. It was good stuff.
-Now I am home.
P.S. How is it that the people I meet appreciate my mind within 2 weeks, yet others that I know for at LEAST a year think I am stupid? I guess it goes to show how little I need people. Everyone should be able to acknowledge that I am intelligent because I am. And with that...
People you love
Will turn their backs on you
You’ll lose your hair
Your teeth
Your knife will fall out of its sheath
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They’ll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tie you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They’ll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tie you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show
-Went down to Cery Perle's office and filled out some paperwork so I can have a background check done. I HAVE A NANNY JOB FOR THE SUMMER! I couldn't be more hyyyped on that. Easy money, and big money. I'm getting TAN this sumer, and I'm gonna learn how to be a better wife/mommy. Creepy much?
-Went to Liz's. She helped me lurk some Myspaces. I love lurking pros.
-We went to the mall. We sat in the car and listened some good music and drank some drinks. We did some talks about suicide and life. We make life good together. And by the way, we concluded it's good to be drunk. You let down all those damn walls we build up against everyone and everything.
-Then we went into the mall to go take a pess, and ended up talking to Travis. Then we went to American Greetings and I saw BEAUTIFUL AILEEN. And then Tom and Austin met us there. Then we went and sat with Travis and Nick and talked about HPV. Fuck that shit, dood. And then Liz and I switched spots and I sat with Tom and Austin. And then Chris, Devibitch, Bolin, and Andy met us.
-We all ventured over to The River. I ran into an old good friend and made some new friends. And thennn Tom and I had a good heart to heart. I LOVE him. He's gonna be good to have around. Then we went to Border's and annoyed ourselves, and people (probably).
-I decided I was tired and wanted to leave, but wound up sitting in the parking lot taking to Liz and Tom. They helped me a lot. And then Austin and Kelsi met up with us. It was good stuff.
-Now I am home.
P.S. How is it that the people I meet appreciate my mind within 2 weeks, yet others that I know for at LEAST a year think I am stupid? I guess it goes to show how little I need people. Everyone should be able to acknowledge that I am intelligent because I am. And with that...
People you love
Will turn their backs on you
You’ll lose your hair
Your teeth
Your knife will fall out of its sheath
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They’ll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tie you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They’ll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tie you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show
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