I am...

...a little over a month into my marriage.

Wowie, these are my blogs of being single and in pain and I am now married! Crazy...

Happily married, I should add.

My HUSBAND adores the very ground I walk on, and we praise in God together...

You become...

...and do what everyone else is like and does. It's really embarrassing. Get a spine and maybe your own religion too.

This is pretty cool...

...not sure if I wrote it when I was 16 or 17. I think it's pretty clever.

"My faith is as thick as rope and as strong as fishing wire, my hope is as thin as paper and frays like hemp, My pain however pierces my heart and is as sharp as barbed wire. But my love for everything is as pure as the whitest of clouds, It is easily corrupt as storm clouds turned a dark shade of gray. My trust holds as a palm tree in the wind, it holds but waves to and fro and breaks at the right gust. I am ready to let them in, cure my taffy stuck tongue and make me as confident as a drunk girl because I want to dance as though I was high. But you must be warned, I can make you hit rock bottom like a stone over a cliff, and if they let me have my way, I'll tear them apart with my judgments that come quicker than an ocean wave. I act as I am and as my thoughts are made. I am Lauren."

Going through...

...hella stuff from high school. Mostly letters and journals and poems, while listening to The Used...

It's crazy how depressed I was over SO many boys. So dumb! I'd listen to The Used and cry and thought it consoled me. Now I'm listening to it and feel so sad cause I remember how unhappy I was.

It blows my mind how much time has passed and it feels like no time at all. I feel like high school was just yesterday, and now here I am preparing to seal the deal with someone who never makes me cry. It's so crazy. I was so scared of being alone, yet finding someone really was just around the corner. I feel so odd right now.

No one can drive me more crazy than him,

but no one can make my heart melt like he can.

"Seeing youngish dudes with kids makes me want a kid. With you. Only you."

I love my Love-Love.

This week...

Our anniversary has been on my mind and in my heart. Today, the 20th, marks the year of when we first saw each other as a couple type. Today marks the year of when we first kissed, we first laid together, first watched a movie together, first loved on each other, first cuddled, first fell asleep together. Today marks the year someone held me unlike anybody had ever held me because I'd never melted into somebody with this peace and love that I had for Benjamin David Moran.

I feel so touched by the memory because the build up of my trip to San Jose was so intense, and unlike anything I'd ever felt before. We could not even wait to see each other. We were counting hours til he would get to pick me up from the airport and give me my first kiss. The nerves I had that day were crazy. When I landed, my legs were so shaky, I could hardly walk and was sure I couldn't go through with it. I was sooo nervous about seeing him and staying with him and being alone with him, though I'd been dying to. The butterflies were going, and it was just a craaaazy feeling. Every bit of it!

That day before I got there, I was at work and all I could think about was how the next day I was going to see the love of my life. It was the talk of the salon, and all on my brain. I couldn't wait to get off work and go home to pack so I could head out to my sister's in Fontana. She was going to take me to the airport in the AM and was as nervous as I was. We giggled about how exciting it was for me to get to kiss him for the first time because we both knew it would be a kiss like no other kiss, and an even cooler kiss since it was going to be in an airport-- like a movie.

And going to bed that night before was next to impossible. We talked til like 3 AM, and would say how many hours we had left til he'd see me. It was the best feeling in the entire world. I walked on a cloud. I really did.

And when I landed, I let my sister know I did, and that I couldn't do it. I couldn't see him. I was too nervous and wanted to call Liz so she could get me. But before I knew it, I was walking and I looked up, and he was there. I'm pretty sure I squeeled like a little girl and we hugged and went to get my luggage, and it was there that we kissed for the first time. And walked with our arms linked to the truck. And it was there that he gave me the ticket to the airport parking building and told me to put it in our scrapbook. He then stole kisses from me as we drove to the animal shelter to look at puppies, and went to Santa Cruise and walked around. Then we went back to his place and I met his mom and we watched a movie and ate pizza and cuddled and kissed all day long. And in that bed is where I wanted to stay. Just there because it was there I felt warm and safe and where I belonged, like I finally made it home.

We went to Liz's that night, and stayed there. He left in the morning after the best sleep of my entire life (because I was in his arms), and I was sooo happy to be with Liz but so sad he wasn't with me. We texted each other all evening, and talked before bed and our conversation was so lovey dovey her roomies hated me, and then he picked me up the next day after he went to church. I was soo happy that he was getting me, even with his hair all spiked like the raging bro he was. We talked all the way home, and it was the best, as usual. We spent the rest of the day cuddling and kissing, and then his best friend Kris came over and we watched a movie. He knelt beside me that night and told me what I meant to him. And held me through the night.

The day I left, he took me to Santana Row and we walked around and ate at the sushi place Kris worked at. We had a shot of Sake and ate some good food. We went to a tattoo place that day, then went back to his place where I only had a couple hours left with him. I was soo sad and so quiet. I cried when we got to the airport, and cried even harder after he watched me walk through security, and left. I cried, and cried, and called Bonnie, then he called and asked if I was sad because he was sad, and I cried. I cried on the plane, and was so sad when my sister picked me up. We ate dinner and talked about my trip.
I drove home from her place that night soo sad not knowing when I'd be seeing him next. I listened to Lykke Li all the way home, crying, of course.

It was a fabulous weekend. And today is the day that marks the year of that wonderful day that it all started. A God blessed year. Without a doubt. I feel so warm and so emotional thinking about it all. What a year, and what changes I've made, and what person I left behind to become the person I am now. Now everything I've done in the last year has had Ben on the brain. Hard to believe that he's been with me this long, and that the time has already passed.

And when I left, I left this written on paper for him.


We'll bathe in rose petals, red
And lie in violet lilac beds
And through the darkness of the night
We'll watch our future shining bright
And out of everyone I've met
It's you I can't forget

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

And in the shadows of the night
I'll trace your silhouette in candlelight
And if you fall asleep when you rise
I'll be there to kiss your eyes

And now my heart is in your hand
So baby, understand

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

So don't cry, Angel
I will stay the whole night through
Forevermore, I'll be loving you

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

So don't cry, Angel
I will stay the whole night through
Forevermore, I'll be loving you

Forevermore, I'll be loving you

He said,

"It's crazy how much I love you."

I love his love. It's nice to know he loves to be with me, and doesn't time his naps with when I get off work to avoid me like he once did with another. It's nice having someone who almost always wants to be around me. He's the best. We are going out of town this weekend to Anaheim to watch a Sharks vs. Ducks game and then go to Disneyland the next day. I can't wait. I am burned out on so much and am having a hard time being an enjoyable me. I can't wait to show him my good side again.

I think

you might always be my best friend. It's just hard to be. Hmm.

Eat your heart out!

"I love you, and I want to be with you and live with you and have some babies with you so they can call you daddy!"

"I want to live with you too! And I want to hear a baby call you mommy. And I want to call you wifey!"

Then I come to a note on my bed that reads:

"Dear Boobie,

I missed you all day and all night. I can't wait to be off work so I can lay and simply love you! I hope you had a good day, and missed me very, very much. I know I missed you. Well, I'll see you later then. Love you!"

I knew he was smart, and not stupid like I thought he possibly was in April. And nice to know he looks forward to seeing me, and doesn't time his naps to when I get home and off of work.

It's hard to believe it's almost been a year since we've been together. Love love love!