I was driving home the other morning and I realized that I am always changing. Everyday. Everyday I'm trying to be a different person from the last. And for the longest time, up until that morning, I hated that. I hated that I was never content in who I was each day... But then I realized that I am so happy to be willing to change everyday.
Each day, I become more like the person I want to be. And maybe I hated it for so long because I was further from the person I want to be than I am today. I'm pleased that I have the knowledge of knowing I need to pick and choose the traits I need to rid myself of, or embrace.
I swear my 18 days in Europe changed my life. It enabled to me to rid all the pollution in my mind. I was able to be alone (though I was with family) and focus on myself without any distractions. You can never really focus on yourself when you know you can be distracted because it's much easier to do that that than it is to look in the mirror and face who you are, and face what you hate about yourself. But I did that. And I realized, I don't hate myself.
For a year, I thought I did. But it was because I was confused by crossing lines of friendships and mixing love with sex and sex with love and love with hate and hate with love. I was mixing up love with lust when love can only be pure. And there I was becoming some person I didn't recognize, when all along, I loved myself when I was able to recognize myself. I was changing for a person/for people I didn't need to change for, and because I became a person who was for other people, I couldn't face who I was alone. I wasn't that person for the Lauren who was alone. I was Lauren for people.
Now I see myself as Lauren who can be alone. I'm still in so much repair, I know, and I have so much to work on, but I'm in this new place. This AMAZING place. Sure, I am sad often, but it'll pass. I never thought I'd be where I am now, so I'll be in a place that's better and unfathomable soon enough.
There is just no feeling like freeing yourself from the bondage of hating yourself. Really. Everything seems to be easier to cope with. It's like you're able to place things fairly... Not everything is "my fault". It's not always because I'm not pretty enough, serious enough, smart enough, because I am beautiful, I am very intelligent, and I am serious when I need to be. And I like that about myself. I like my mind, and if people don't, oh well. They don't have to. I am not made for everyone, and THAT IS OK.
You see, the most current relationship blow over is a bummer, and it gets under my skin a bit, but I know I'm gonna be ok no matter what happens because no matter what happens, I'm going to be true myself. They'll love it, or hate it, and either way, I'll win because I am me and I need to love myself no matter what AS LONG AS I am always working on myself and keeping myself in check of being the person I want to be.
Relationships are work. There's never a break from that work. And who you are with yourself is a relationship, therefore you always need to put work into it. There should never be a point where you sit there and say, "I am done with trying to better myself because I AM good enough, and people need to take me or leave me." Yes, people should be accepting of you, but you shouldn't sit there and think there's no bettering yourself.
Anyway, I'm not saying I'm not going to get sad ever, and I'm not saying that I'm relationship healed, and totally ok, but I am saying that I have a new mindset.
"Was losing all my friends
Was losing them to drinking and to driving
Was losing all my friends and I got them back
I am on the mend
At least now I can say that I am trying
And I hope you will forget the things I still lack
Yeah
Yeah
Is it in you now?
To bare to hear the truths that you were spoken
Twisted up by knaves
In a trap for fools
Is it in you now?
To watch the things you gave your life to broken
You stoop and build them up with worn out tools
Yeah
Nothing gets so bad
A whisper from your father couldn't fix it
Your whispers like a bridge, he's a river span
Take all that you have
And turn it into something you were missing
Somebody threw that brick
And shattered all your plans
Yeah
Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before its coming to the end yeah
Before you put my body in the cold ground, take some time to warm it with your hands
Before it's coming to an end, yeah
It's coming to an end
Do you miss the blend
Of colours she left in your black and white field
Do you feel condemned just being there?
I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how it feels
I am not your friend
I am not your lover
I am not your family
Yeah
Time to get the seeds and put them in the cold ground
It takes a while to grow anything
Before it's coming to the end yeah"
