Yup, I'm getting ghetto.

Loving you is a like a song I replay
Every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day
And every chorus was written for us to recite
Every beautiful melody of devotion every night
It's potion like this ocean that might carry me
In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me
And every word, every second, and every third
Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard
And when I play them, every chord is a poem
Telling the Lord how grateful I am cause I know him
The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress
If you asking then I'm telling you it's yes
Stand in love, take my hand in love, God bless

I don't know what I am doing...

I shouldn't take him back. I shouldn't.

But I don't know how to be without him.

What happens when you feel like God can continue to work in your life together?

"I can't...

...lose you Lauren."

What do I do? I've prayed all day long...

"I want you, your family, and that future we talk about..."

I put

my purity ring back on.

True love waits, man.

Completely and utterly

irritated and worried.

FML.

Street Spirit

Rows of houses, all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again
And fade out

This machine will
Will not communicate these thoughts and this strain I am under
Be a world child form a circle before we all go under

And fade out again and fade out again

Cracked eggs dead birds scream as they fight for life
I can feel death can see its beady eyes

All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out again

Immerse your soul in love
Immerse your soul in love

<3

He brought them to my work for being me he says.

I could

stay in his arms forever.

I adore

your face, YOUR LAUGH, your voice, your sense of humor, your accents, your jokes, your views (minus your political ones), your love, holding your hand, your kisses, how we never bicker, how you're such a grandpa, how you don't bug me, how much I miss you when we're not speaking, the way you sleep cause you hold me better than anyone has and anyone ever could and because you don't snore, basically everything you say and do because I just simply adore YOU.

We are perfect, Roo.

It's like this.

Made it through...

...and have my Roo. Wooo.

Sick of

GAMES.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Miss...

this. You know, you can fix this.

All These Things That I've Done

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
...

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Maybe not...

...we are clearly not meant to be without each other.

Plotting to bid my farewell...

...but I don't really know how to.

I especially miss this...

You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I gotta say--you really got a way

You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see... you got a way with me


It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love's made of
It's in the way we make love

You've got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There's no way to measure what your love is worth
I can't believe the way you get through to me


Oh, how I adore you
Like no one before you
I love you just the way you are

It's just the way you are

stu·pid (stōō'pĭd, styōō'-)
adj. stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est
Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.


de·ci·sion (dĭ-sĭzh'ən)
n.
The act of reaching a conclusion or making up one's mind.


What's the point of saying you miss me?

But I can't blame you.

What isn't there to miss about me? Especially when you + me worked so perfectly...

But I do miss you too. I miss you waking me up, I miss hearing from you all day everyday even when we were working, I miss having a reason to go home early, I miss you always wanting to hear my voice, I miss your never ending ability to make me laugh, I miss never NOT wanting to talk to you, I miss you saying you missed me when we weren't talking, I miss you calling me bebe and mujer and telling me how beautiful I am everyday, I miss sending you pictures, I miss hearing your stories, I miss your advice, I miss planning a life together, I miss our goals, I miss talking about God, I miss you telling me about The Sharks, I miss your stupid hella, I miss hearing about your day and your day with your friends, I miss actually caring, I miss, "You can gag me,", I miss how much we talked about Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I miss you squeezing me to "Bad Fish" coming on, I miss kissing you, I miss you blowing air into my lungs, I miss COOL WHIP, I miss shut your fuckin mouth, I miss the 3 Ben Jrs, not to be confused with the Benjamin Jr., I miss you saying your tata was 54, I miss gay gay gay, I miss smelling Ralph Lauren on you, I miss you hitting people with your truck. I miss YOU.

Where does the good go?

Ms. Morales, I hope you know, I think of you everyday, and pretty much all day. Since I've really met you, I can't stop thinking of you.
You make me feel so good about myself, like I'm not a fuck up. I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm sure of one thing, that this feels so right. Your like my compass, you help me follow the direction that I need to be in. Your amazing, I've never felt like this, and I am loving this moment in life. As hard as it is to keep my head up...you keep it way up for me, and make me look forward, for the next day. I forget about all the bull shit in my life, but help me get through it, day, by day.
Your an amazing girl Lauren, your not just some whack, boring, spoiled girl. You work two jobs, you try to go to school, even though you don't have too, and you already started your career. it makes me proud to say, this girl likes me, and I like her...so much! I've thrown away some good shit in my life Lauren, but I can't let this go, I really can't! And I won't! When I say " I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us", I mean it. I can't wait. So, muah, muah, muah! Talk to you soon. Muah! Many X's! Bannannannaahhhh!

I'm finding myself to be...

...in an angered state right now.

I guess I'm trying to decide if we can be friends.

I don't know. I'm really pissed that he could think that she and I are on the same caliber. When I am clearly up here, where she could never touch.

Sure, I sound as though I may think far too high of myself, but if I don't think this high of myself, who will? I have to acknowledge how amazing I am otherwise I'll live as though I don't love myself and I'll date down.

It makes me sad to think that maybe he's beneath me to go for her. But I know I really don't think he's less than me, he just maybe doesn't see what he's worth.

I don't know. It just irritates me so much to think of them together when he's already pointed out all the reasons I'm good for him, and I know I'm a catch and need someone who's aware. Ughhhh.

In one of our conversations...

...we decided to speak as though we weren't going to ever part. The way something was worded (I forget what) left us open for an ending, and we didn't want that. We decided to speak in terms of forever.Or the fact he forwarded me a text he sent to AB saying "Hurry and find me a job so I can move back and marry Lauren." Ugh. I don't know why I think of our conversations.
I guess it's what I need to do to decide if he's worthy of my friendship. I was nice to him today, but maybe I shouldn't be. It's all so fucked up.

I've got nowhere to go
I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you
When you're gone
She says, I love you
I'm gonna miss you
And your songs

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
She said, friend

All along I thought
I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Hey everyone
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow

And I said, please
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how
Every living thing goes away
I said, friend,
All along I thought
I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Die, die
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

It's been a hard day, harder nights.

"Me too. This is hard."

If you were confident in your decision, wouldn't you not need to say it was hard? I don't know. I could be wrong.

What are the chances...

...that they'd both text me today?

What a weird day.

One, I'm not sure if I wanna hear from due to my devastated state, and the other I'm happy to hear from cause I just need to know he's ok. I normally don't hear from him unless he's drunk, so I was quite surprised being that it was before 8pm and I got a "How u doing?' Normally it's like a "Yo." or a "Hey." or the infamous, "You whack.".

Hm.

When does

the pain subside?

He's managed

to make me more mad. "Happy Easter". Hey fuck you.

Like an idiot, I said, "Thank you. You too". I should have just said "Thanks." Now it looks like I've forgiven him, and I have not yet. I figured saying, "You too" as opposed to an entire "Happy Easter" was best because it kept me from seeming to friendly and personal being that those ties have now been severed, but as I rethink how angry I am that he'd wish me a Happy Easter, I wish I let him know how not ok it was. Why the fuck are you wishing me a good day when you've said so much shit you've never said? He'd probably rip away that wish being that that's his thing.

Whatever.

I'm contemplating sharing that he's upset me with his text. I don't know what to say to him though.

I'm just trying to get through this...

...and maybe you're just insecure.

It takes a lot to move on. It takes a lot of security and confidence to know you don't need an ex. It's scary knowing that if you let them go you may end up alone.

Maybe you're lacking that much confidence in yourself to know you're ok without comfort.

Comfort isn't anything to look for.

I don't know. Maybe I'm lying to myself.

I was pretty

wasted last night when I blogged that, and I'm still pretty drunk.

But I still know that you've made a huge mistake. It hurts me so much, and I keep praying, and I know I'll eventually pull through and be ok and YOU will live with the fact that you'll never know if that was the right decision. You'll have to be the one to wonder. Not me because I didn't give up. You'll be the one plagued with wonder.

As much as it hurts right now and nothing makes it feel remotely better, I find some peace knowing that's something you'll have to live with when you realize your guys' relationship is the same as it was before and it wouldn't change. Not something I'll have to live with because I gave it my all, and would have continued to give it my all because nothing was wrong with us.

And honestly, I do hope you live with that because what you have done is SO unfair. So unfair. I can't get all the shit you've said out of my head. I pray pray pray for it to leave my mind because it kills me. Rips my very heart out replaying all the things you've said.

I don't even know what hurts most. I do know that the conversation of it being weird that we were going to have a baby together kills me a lot. "Isn't it weird we are going to have a baby together?" "Yeah it is!"

And it hurts knowing we made them into people (Chloe, Jacqueline, and Ben Jr.).

And us moving.

I have no idea which part hurts the most cause each part makes me want to throw up. I feel soo sick at the idea of you two being together. So sick.

But I can't change it. And didn't you say I was too pretty to be sad?

I guess this will be my attempt at being ok.

I'll tell you now...

...you made the biggest mistake of your life.

The heart may want what the heart wants. But it doesn't mean it's right.

If love meant everything, Natasha would be with Chase, Jackie would be with Manuel, and I would be with Jess.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean that it's everything, honestly. Love may mean a lot but it really isn't everything

Love doesn't make everything right. It just doesn't. And I am so pro love and I know the truth, and I know that's the truth.

Here's the truth:

Ben, you've meant the world to me. You've been my better half. You've shown me sides of myself I didn't even know existed. As much as 99 percent of me is dead right now, I still feel the ache of you leaving me. "I wish you the best, I guess..."

More like DOES SHE EVER GET THE BOY?

This ruined puzzle
is beige with the pieces
all face down.

So the placing goes slowly.
The pictures of anything
other than it's meant to be.

But the hours they creep
The patterns repeat
Don't be concerned
You know I'll be fine on my own.
I never said "Don't Go" (don't go)

But I've hidden a note
It's pressed between pages that
you've marked to find your way back.
It says......
"Does he ever get the girl? "
But what if the pages stay pressed
The chapters unfinished
The stories too dull to unfold?
Does he ever get the girl?

This basement's a coffin
I'm buried alive
I'll die in here just to be safe.
I'll die in here just to be safe.

'Cause you're gone
I get nothing
and you're off with barely a sigh
I never said goodbye.

But I've hidden a note
It's pressed between pages
That you've marked to find your way back
It says...
"Does he ever get the girl?"
But I've hidden a note
That's pressed between pages
That you'll read if you're so inclined
Does he ever get the girl?

But the hours they creep
The patterns repeat
Don't be concerned
I know I'll be fine on my own.
I never said "Don't Go" (don't go)

Does he ever get the girl?

I'm

sleeping the next couple of weeks away til I adapt to the idea that he's dead in my life.

I can't stop the question in my head..."What happened?"

How do you love someone so much you let go of what we had? I love another, and I always will, but I would never throw away what we had for it because of how wonderful it was. It made sense. We got along, we agreed, we have the same goals, we both have personal relationships with God and were both bringing our relationships with him and putting them on the table, and we made each other laugh. WE MADE EACH OTHER LAUGH. That's so important.

I don't know. The whole situation makes me fucking sick to my stomach. What makes me so sick is that earlier in the night that he made the decision, he came over. He met my mom and my sister, and my dogs. We kissed bye. I thought we were ok being that HE wanted to come over. It was HIS idea. "I wanted to see you." Oh, ok. Well fuck you. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I just wanna throw up due to the nausea of it all and sleep.

So much for this, right?

Ouch.
"This is what it's like...
...since my last this is what it's like post on March 4th.

It's like I have this faith that God really did make someone for me. Like he molded him with me in mind. And that I was molded with him in mind.

I don't know how to explain it. I've never felt this before. Sure, I've been in love. Sure, I've thought it could last. But there wasn't this feeling of being made for each other. It was more like feelings happened out of convenience.

The things he says to me blow my mind. It's like he's been crawling around in my brain for years and took everything I could ever dreamed of being told and is speaking them.

Yes, it's like that. Without knowing it's what I want to hear, he says it. It's like he's known me for forever. I've heard people say such things but couldn't begin to fathom what it was like, and I couldn't really figure out what it meant.

But God...that's what it's like. It's like he's known me forever and that he was designed for me. What more could I want?

This distance kills me, but at the same time, it gives me more faith in us. We can both continue to strengthen ourselves with God so that when we are together, we don't screw up.

This weekend was beyond amazing with him. I was so scared that all of the feelings I was feeling came from not being able to see him, and that it was all too good to be true, but that wasn't the case. The sparks were still there while we were together. The smile was plastered to my face. The fire in my heart burned and burned and burned, and it's continuing to burn and grow.

I think about it all and it feels surreal. I feel so lucky to have that surreal feeling. It was that good.

He traced the lines of my face. He kissed me and knelt beside me. He's everything I've dreamed of, and more. I didn't know I could have it this good.

I pray for us everyday.

Girls, I hope you stop and search for this. This feeling compares to nothing else. The respect, and the pure love. The love that isn't caught up with lust.

Everything I feel makes me feel so funny, and different. Like I was laying in bed with him stroking his face and his hair...examining it all, and taking it all in, and in something so small, I felt this rush and emotions flooded over me. There was something in touching him like that that made me feel so...warm, romantic, loving, happy, grateful... Just everything.

Basically what it's like is I'm always feeling these feelings that I didn't know existed."

What's with

my streak of failed relationships?

I'm in a state of shock. I've lost all hope. How does something so sure and so right go wrong?

Maybe

it's not over.

He met my mom today.

My heart still weighs a ton though.

I guess this is where my wall pops up.

I wish

I could breathe.

I wish my heart didn't hurt so bad.

I keep trying to change positions I sit or lay in to get comfortable, but no matter which way I get, it all hurts the same, and I'm uncomfortable all the same.

I forgot what it was like to feel this devastated.

"You were trying to kill me with a hundred knives, you were trying to kill me in the heart a hundred times..

I know you're there, I wish you'd talk...

Roll over to me, roll over, roll over to me, roll over...

But there is nothing I'd rather do then spend all day in the sac with you, I want to mess up my sheets with you, there is nothing I'd rather do."

And everything

has crumbled down. Right before my very eyes.

But God has never shown me such grace as he is now.

The feeling in my hands and feet are back.

Le siigh...

I was listening to this song right now. A song that would have been totally fitting for my last obsession that I was plagued far too long for. I always thought he and I would end up together, and for the last month, or however long I've been swept off my feet (longer than a month) I began to think differently. And began to know differently. And so anyway, I was listening and just knew completely and happily that I belong where I am. And I couldn't be more happy with him. He's who I will be with forever, and I love that. I love that I don't doubt it. I love that I'm letting go of my fear and not putting up walls because of it. I don't know, it just feels so good to trust someone so much.

This is THE song.

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last

I might live on this cloud forever...

"Ms. Morales, I hope you know, I think of you everyday, and pretty much all day. Since I've really met you, I can't stop thinking of you.
You make me feel so good about myself, like I'm not a fuck up. I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm sure of one thing, that this feels so right. Your like my compass, you help me follow the direction that I need to be in. Your amazing, I've never felt like this, and I am loving this moment in life. As hard as it is to keep my head up...you keep it way up for me, and make me look forward, for the next day. I forget about all the bull shit in my life, but help me get through it, day, by day.
Your an amazing girl Lauren, your not just some whack, boring, spoiled girl. You work two jobs, you try to go to school, even though you don't have too, and you already started your career. it makes me proud to say, this girl likes me, and I like her...so much! I've thrown away some good shit in my life Lauren, but I can't let this go, I really can't! And I won't! When I say " I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us", I mean it. I can't wait. So, muah, muah, muah! Talk to you soon. Muah! Many X's! Bannannannaahhhh!"

Dear Ben,

you're the best thing to happen to me.

I thank God all day, everyday for you.

You're my better half.