The PLACE I Have Come to Fear the Most

The question of "Are you scared to fall in love?" has always been asked, and I've never really understood why people would be. I mean, you fall in love, it's over, it's life, it happens... I almost thought it was silly to be fearful. And now I have thought about it, and I've come to terms that I am. I never thought I'd reach such a place. It's a place in life that I cannot believe I am in, and really don't know how to get out of it...

I find myself just thinking of all the things that can go wrong and reasons why something just can't work, and never the reasons why, just to avoid having to entertain the idea of loving someone and having someone love me in return. I'm so scared of getting hurt and having my heart and mind shattered into millions of pieces that I don't know how to put back together easily again that I just really avoid it at all costs.

Love is what we're all ultimately looking for, I believe, and it's no wonder we fall apart when it's over. I don't think it's wrong by any means. It just shows how powerful it is, and how vital it is, and how love and expressions of it should not be taken lightly.

And when I think about love, I want it, and feel I need it. But when it falls into my lap, I can't deal with it. The last time I decided to just let go and let it come over me, I wound up hurt. And I don't want to go through it again. I don't. No parts of it. It's like a waste of time if it's not going to end in marriage, you know? Like all the moments you didn't get things done because you were distracted by them, in a good or bad way, are wastes of time. I can never gain all the things I did not do during those times of being in love back, and I hate that. Because I didn't wind up with who I wanted. And now I have nothing to show for those days, and it really makes me upset.

So what if I go through with it again... And I get hurt again...

I'll wind up more tainted and scared than I am now.

Oh, god, and the ex-girlfriends never go away. And you know that the ex-girlfriend will be in the back of your mind when you're in bed knowing that they've been in the same place that you are, when they shouldn't, because sex should really only be shared with one person. And it never goes away. That stupid ghost will forever lurk there, and that reason in itself is a reason to avoid entertaining a relationship, or love.

And then you know that that person is going to be changing. And I'll be changing. And some how you're supposed to grow with eachother without killing one another, and that's scary. Because you can't just walk out once you decide you want to be someone else because why would you waste their time, and have them waste yours?

It's just all too scary. And almost not worth it for the reason that it can end in the snap of a finger... One bad comment... One kiss... One lie... One bad action...