I'm

sleeping the next couple of weeks away til I adapt to the idea that he's dead in my life.

I can't stop the question in my head..."What happened?"

How do you love someone so much you let go of what we had? I love another, and I always will, but I would never throw away what we had for it because of how wonderful it was. It made sense. We got along, we agreed, we have the same goals, we both have personal relationships with God and were both bringing our relationships with him and putting them on the table, and we made each other laugh. WE MADE EACH OTHER LAUGH. That's so important.

I don't know. The whole situation makes me fucking sick to my stomach. What makes me so sick is that earlier in the night that he made the decision, he came over. He met my mom and my sister, and my dogs. We kissed bye. I thought we were ok being that HE wanted to come over. It was HIS idea. "I wanted to see you." Oh, ok. Well fuck you. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I just wanna throw up due to the nausea of it all and sleep.