I was pretty

wasted last night when I blogged that, and I'm still pretty drunk.

But I still know that you've made a huge mistake. It hurts me so much, and I keep praying, and I know I'll eventually pull through and be ok and YOU will live with the fact that you'll never know if that was the right decision. You'll have to be the one to wonder. Not me because I didn't give up. You'll be the one plagued with wonder.

As much as it hurts right now and nothing makes it feel remotely better, I find some peace knowing that's something you'll have to live with when you realize your guys' relationship is the same as it was before and it wouldn't change. Not something I'll have to live with because I gave it my all, and would have continued to give it my all because nothing was wrong with us.

And honestly, I do hope you live with that because what you have done is SO unfair. So unfair. I can't get all the shit you've said out of my head. I pray pray pray for it to leave my mind because it kills me. Rips my very heart out replaying all the things you've said.

I don't even know what hurts most. I do know that the conversation of it being weird that we were going to have a baby together kills me a lot. "Isn't it weird we are going to have a baby together?" "Yeah it is!"

And it hurts knowing we made them into people (Chloe, Jacqueline, and Ben Jr.).

And us moving.

I have no idea which part hurts the most cause each part makes me want to throw up. I feel soo sick at the idea of you two being together. So sick.

But I can't change it. And didn't you say I was too pretty to be sad?

I guess this will be my attempt at being ok.