Edit the Sad Parts

I really hate that feeling of your heart sinking into your stomach, and then your throat constricts... And when it constricts, you feel that large ball that you try to fight off so you don't cry. I did promise myself I wasn't going to cry. So here I am keeping one promise to myself... I deserve that much... But if I cry? What does that mean? Do I give up? Or does it mean my heart will move out of my stomach? It's been there too long, and I told myself I was never going to be in this place again.

I just hate when things dawn on you. Or when things don't need to dawn. They're just there. And there's no ignoring them, or no excuse to be made for them because it's there...loud and clear.

I'm tired of caring. I really am. About this and that, and that and this. Seriously. I really need to hold to it when I say "I've turned bitter.", and just be bitter and alone and tell everyone and everything to FUCK OFF. Sometimes I'm SURE that my only way out of it all is if I just peace out and forget everyone's names and faces, and forget all the places and things I've come to love. When I die, it's not like I can it all with me, so why cling onto it now?

What the fuck is here to keep me from moving to Italy? Or maybe just Hawaii? Nothing, and no one. I can be easily forgotten about, so I should just do the same. Apparently everyone really is out to save their own asses, so I should just do the same.

I'm always the one who wants to create a good cycle of "what goes around comes around", and so here I live trying to put a good go around so I can get a good come around... And for what? Nothing. Why live trying to please people who people can't even do the same for me.

I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode with all the things I am thinking that I shamefully enabling my body to feel. I don't want to feel any emotion, because once I do that, I let my emotions run my trains of thought, and I'd rather be a numb, logical, bitch.

So I guess my current attempt is to not run from everything... But not care. I don't want to degrade myself anymore in my attempt to to not run/not care/but care/and run (it's my vicious cycle...), but to genuinelly say FUCK YOU to 99% of the people I know, but not in a way that's to protect myself. Just a fuck you, I only need myself and stay out of my face real type of feeling... If that makes sense.

I can't care about things and/or people anymore. It's not worth it. It's not worth having friends, lovers, jobs, or money. It all goes a way in a snap of a selfish finger.



"Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I needed to say

If you stand in a circle
Then you'll all have a back to bite
Back logged voices on the 7 wonders
We're all so funny but he's lost his joke now
A communication from the one lined joke
A stand up comic and a rock musician
Making so much noise you don't know when to listen..."